Josh quotes from Mating Season

Josh

Ray, you are so selfish!

Ray

Josh, I created a sexual paradise for myself to enjoy. How is that selfish?

Josh

Did you ever stop to think that this place made me feel valued and loved for the first time in, like, forever?

Ray

Um… No?

Josh

Yeah! Because you didn't care about my feelings! You didn't care about anybody's feelings!

Penelope

Hey. Who am I? [imitating Arnold] "It's not fun if you don't try it, Josh!"

Josh

[also imitating Arnold] "I'm gonna hit this pinecone right in your pussy!"

Penelope

"Awesome-sauce!" [bleats]

Josh

This is fun. Yeah…

Penelope

It's so fun. I wish I could find this, you know, but with a girl.

Josh

Yes, me too, but with a girl who likes boys because I'm… I'm a boy.

Penelope

Wait, I just had an amazing idea. And it's not just 'cause I'm high. I mean, it might be, but it's good.

Josh

Okay?

Penelope

What if… what we have right here is exactly…

Josh

…what we've been looking for…

All along!

Penelope

Yes! We don't need some idealized concept of romance. We can be gaga for each other.

Josh

Yes, like a platonic couple!

Penelope

Friends with emotional benefits!

Josh

Penelope, you are a genius.

Penelope

No, we are a genius, baby.

Fawn

[entering the house; dejected] Hey, guys.

Josh

Fawn, Fawn, Fawn! We figured it out! We don't need to date other animals, because we are a platonic couple. [he and Penelope hug together]

Fawn

Isn't that just friendship?

Penelope

Hey, don't diminish our bond when you're the one dating the "bro-goat" from hell.

Fawn

Ugh, I know. I have to dump Arnold, right?

Josh

Oh, yeah. He's awful.

Penelope

He kinda makes me think less of you.

Josh

He's a cunt.

Ray

Hi, guys! This is Addy.

Hi, Addy.

Ray

To me, she is my girlfriend. Together, we more than like each other. Now you may clap.

[chuckles] Thank you, Ray. That was quite an introduction.

Listen, buddy! If you know what's good for you, you'll stay the fuck away from her!

Josh

First of all, I'm not your buddy. Second of all, the name is Spike.

Cool name!

Josh

[menacingly] Thank you. Now get your paws off my girl!

Oh!

You fucking idiot! You think she gives a shit about you?!

Shut up, AJ. Spike is more of a mammal than you'll ever be!

Fawn

Guys… I don't think I can do it. I actually like Cynthia.

Penelope

What?

Fawn

Before she was just some abstract obstacle, but now I know the victim.

Ray

Ah, like most murderers.

[clinking her glass to get everyone's attention] Hey, everyone! Uh, Dylan and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming to our rehearsal dinner. Please enjoy the open bar, because my dad's paying.

[laughs] Okay, but just two drinks each.

Hey, I'm his only child! Go crazy!

Josh

Oh, gosh. She is delightful.

Fawn

Exactly! I can't steal her fiancé. I don't care how luscious his bone is.

Penelope

[looking at a stack of cupcakes on the table] Speaking of luscious, nobody'll notice if I just take a little… [eats a piece of frosting]

Mmm, naughty, naughty.

Penelope

[yelps in surprise] Yeah, you caught me. I'm disgusting!

No. No, you are not. You are a scamp.

Penelope

Is scamp good?

Hell, yeah! You follow your own rules. And I gotta say you look damn fine doing it. [gives her the drawing] See what I mean?

Penelope

Wow! This is what I look like to you?

Well, I did have to tone it down a little. I mean, there are children around.

[gazing at the drawing] Whoa! I think my nuts just dropped.

David! Don't look at that filth! [sensually] That's for mommy's eyes only.

Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.

Josh

Whoa.

Penelope

Some names.

The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.

Dylan

[clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.

Fawn

Huh?

Dylan

When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.

Fawn

You've gotta be kidding me.

Dylan

The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.

Fawn

[incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.

Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.

[as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.

Fawn

Ouch.

It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.

Fawn

Oh, Cynthia…

Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.

Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]

Fawn

[as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!

Ooh! Speak now.

Fawn?

Dylan

[softly] What are you doing?

Fawn

[sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.

We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!

Fawn

[loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!

Whoa, we're not deaf!

Fawn

Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.

[awkwardly] Okay…

Fawn

And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--

Dylan and I slept together last week!

What?! He fucked me three days ago!

Are you kidding me?

Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.

Meghan!

Ray

God, I picked the wrong beaver.

Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.

Dylan

Well, it did help.

Fawn

This is a nightmare.

[pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest]

Dylan

Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]

Ray

Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!

Penelope

[as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!

Josh

Uh-uh.

Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?

[wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!