PenelopeHey. Who am I? [imitating Arnold] "It's not fun if you don't try it, Josh!"
[also imitating Arnold] "I'm gonna hit this pinecone right in your pussy!"
Penelope
"Awesome-sauce!" [bleats]
Penelope
It's so fun. I wish I could find this, you know, but with a girl.
Yes, me too, but with a girl who likes boys because I'm… I'm a boy.
Penelope
Wait, I just had an amazing idea. And it's not just 'cause I'm high. I mean, it might be, but it's good.
Penelope
What if… what we have right here is exactly…
…what we've been looking for…
Penelope
Yes! We don't need some idealized concept of romance. We can be gaga for each other.
Yes, like a platonic couple!
Penelope
Friends with emotional benefits!
Penelope, you are a genius.
Penelope
No, we are a genius, baby.
[entering the house; dejected] Hey, guys.
Fawn, Fawn, Fawn! We figured it out! We don't need to date other animals, because we are a platonic couple. [he and Penelope hug together]
Isn't that just friendship?
Penelope
Hey, don't diminish our bond when you're the one dating the "bro-goat" from hell.
Ugh, I know. I have to dump Arnold, right?
Penelope
He kinda makes me think less of you.
[Ray and Addy appear]
JPJosh & Penelope
Hi, Addy.
To me, she is my girlfriend. Together, we more than like each other. Now you may clap.
AAddy
[chuckles] Thank you, Ray. That was quite an introduction.
Penelope
Wait, that's Dylan? The "best lover you ever had because the connection wasn't just physical, it was spiritual" Dylan?
Dude, what the hell are you doing here?
Oh, I'm actually, uh, here for my bachelor party.
WWolves
Bachelor party! [howling]
Whoa. [laughs nervously] You're getting married?
Yeah, she's an antelope. Her name is Cynthia.
An antelope, so, like, a more athletic deer.
Is she hot? Oh, I bet she's hot!
Um, you guys should come to the wedding.
Yeah! A bunch of her cousins ran into an electric fence, so we have an empty table.
[mocking Penelope] "Oh, I'm Penelope. I want Ray to feel his feelings. Boo-hoo."
Penelope
Bad impression. Stop that.
No! I'm not gonna stop, because I'm mad and you should be too!
Penelope
I am mad! At you!
Me?! You should be mad at Summer! That stupid mutt left you to drown like a pile of trash!
Penelope
What?! No, that is not what happened!
Penelope
Do not call her--
…actually gave a shit about you, she'd be here right now!
Penelope
Shut up, Ray!
But she's not. Because she's probably up in Canada, sixty-nining a fucking wolverine--
Penelope
[fully enraged] SHUT UP! [violently punches him in the face, knocking him out unconscious]
Guys… I don't think I can do it. I actually like Cynthia.
Penelope
What?
Before she was just some abstract obstacle, but now I know the victim.
CCynthia
[clinking her glass to get everyone's attention] Hey, everyone! Uh, Dylan and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming to our rehearsal dinner. Please enjoy the open bar, because my dad's paying.
CSCynthia's Dad
[laughs] Okay, but just two drinks each.
CCynthia
Hey, I'm his only child! Go crazy!
Oh, gosh. She is delightful.
Exactly! I can't steal her fiancé. I don't care how luscious his bone is.
Penelope
[looking at a stack of cupcakes on the table] Speaking of luscious, nobody'll notice if I just take a little… [eats a piece of frosting]
JJojo
Mmm, naughty, naughty.
Penelope
[yelps in surprise] Yeah, you caught me. I'm disgusting!
JJojo
No. No, you are not. You are a scamp.
Penelope
Is scamp good?
JJojo
Hell, yeah! You follow your own rules. And I gotta say you look damn fine doing it. [gives her the drawing] See what I mean?
Penelope
Wow! This is what I look like to you?
JJojo
Well, I did have to tone it down a little. I mean, there are children around.
DDavid
[gazing at the drawing] Whoa! I think my nuts just dropped.
DSDavid's Mom
David! Don't look at that filth! [sensually] That's for mommy's eyes only.
Penelope
[meeting up with Ray on the beach] Why are you up so early?
I couldn't sleep. I'm too horny. I gotta get laid soon or I'm gonna choke on my backed up jizz. What are you doing up?
Penelope
I had sex with Jojo all night on the beach.
Penelope
I feel terrible.
Ah, you got sand in the pipes, huh?
Penelope
What?
Okay, what you want to do, and this is gonna sound counterintuitive--
Penelope
Ray.
But you need to put more sand in.
Penelope
Ugh! My pipes are fine.
So then what's the problem?
Penelope
I caught feelings! Bad!
Penelope
I haven't felt like this since I was with Summer.
So you like her! That's a good thing!
Penelope
I can't even look at her without thinking about how sad I'll be when I go home.
Oh, come on! Whatever happened to having a fling? You know, taking a page out of my slutty little book.
Penelope
Ray, I gotta be honest. I only skimmed your book.
What? But your notes, they were so insightful and specific!
Penelope
I know!
I did a page one rewrite.
Penelope
How'd Cynthia take it?
[sighs] I couldn't do it. She looked too happy.
Penelope
What? But she deserves to know the truth!
Pen, just stop. Maybe last night was a one-time thing, and it's out of his system. Lots of guys have a last fling, right?
Yes! Everybody fucks a deer the night before their wedding. My uncle rimmed an entire herd.
Does anyone else but Ray have a take?
Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.
Penelope
Some names.
The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.
[clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.
When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.
You've gotta be kidding me.
The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.
[incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.
Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.
CCynthia
[as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.
CCynthia
It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.
CCynthia
Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.
[Fawn exhales deeply]
Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]
[as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!
[softly] What are you doing?
[sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.
GGGoose Guest
We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!
[loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!
GGuest
Whoa, we're not deaf!
Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.
CCynthia
[awkwardly] Okay…
And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--
GGGoat Guest
Dylan and I slept together last week!
BGBeaver Guest
What?! He fucked me three days ago!
CCynthia
Are you kidding me?
MMeghan
Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.
God, I picked the wrong beaver.
Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.
CCynthia
[pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest]
Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]
Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!
Penelope
[as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!
CCynthia
Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?
DUncle Doug
[wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!
[Cynthia watches in satisfaction as her family chase Dylan off into the sunset]
Penelope
[seeing Jojo as she and Fawn exit Josh's house] Oh! Hey, babe. What are you doing here? [kisses her in the cheek]
JJojo
Well, um, somebody came by our place looking for you.
SSummer
[walking out of the shadows] Um, surprise.
Penelope
Summer?
Penelope
What are you… What are you doing here?
SSummer
I've been looking everywhere for you. I… I made a huge mistake. I love you. And I want to be with you.
Penelope
Oh! [laughs nervously] Wow. This is… awkward.
[from Josh's bedroom window] What's happening out there?
Penelope
[loudly] Um, Summer just showed up and said she still loves me.
Penelope
And Jojo looks… pretty cool with it? No! I didn't read that right. She's mad.
[laughing] That is… That's gotta be awkward! Is it awkward?
[loudly] Yeah, Ray! It's awkward.
[Penelope laughs nervously]
Yeah, Ray. We're all still here.
[laughing] Oh, yeah. She does sound upset. Ah, Penelope, you really should've read my book!
Mating Season · 49 quotes
