Fawn quotes from Mating Season

Fawn

Call me "old-fashioned," or "trad," or "skinny," but when I'm with a guy, I want him all to myself.

Penelope

Okay, sure. But honestly, no one's lining up for to do monogamy with me.

Fawn

Come on, Pen.

Penelope

No, no, it's okay. Maybe I'm not meant to be somebody's everything. But I'm sure I could be somebody's something.

Penelope

Hey. Who am I? [imitating Arnold] "It's not fun if you don't try it, Josh!"

Josh

[also imitating Arnold] "I'm gonna hit this pinecone right in your pussy!"

Penelope

"Awesome-sauce!" [bleats]

Josh

This is fun. Yeah…

Penelope

It's so fun. I wish I could find this, you know, but with a girl.

Josh

Yes, me too, but with a girl who likes boys because I'm… I'm a boy.

Penelope

Wait, I just had an amazing idea. And it's not just 'cause I'm high. I mean, it might be, but it's good.

Josh

Okay?

Penelope

What if… what we have right here is exactly…

Josh

…what we've been looking for…

All along!

Penelope

Yes! We don't need some idealized concept of romance. We can be gaga for each other.

Josh

Yes, like a platonic couple!

Penelope

Friends with emotional benefits!

Josh

Penelope, you are a genius.

Penelope

No, we are a genius, baby.

Fawn

[entering the house; dejected] Hey, guys.

Josh

Fawn, Fawn, Fawn! We figured it out! We don't need to date other animals, because we are a platonic couple. [he and Penelope hug together]

Fawn

Isn't that just friendship?

Penelope

Hey, don't diminish our bond when you're the one dating the "bro-goat" from hell.

Fawn

Ugh, I know. I have to dump Arnold, right?

Josh

Oh, yeah. He's awful.

Penelope

He kinda makes me think less of you.

Josh

He's a cunt.

Ray

Hi, guys! This is Addy.

Hi, Addy.

Ray

To me, she is my girlfriend. Together, we more than like each other. Now you may clap.

[chuckles] Thank you, Ray. That was quite an introduction.

Ray

Dylan, my man!

Penelope

Wait, that's Dylan? The "best lover you ever had because the connection wasn't just physical, it was spiritual" Dylan?

Fawn

Yep. And here he comes.

Ray

Guys, look! It's Dylan!

Dylan

Uh, hey, Fawn.

Fawn

Hey.

Ray

Dude, what the hell are you doing here?

Dylan

Oh, I'm actually, uh, here for my bachelor party.

Bachelor party! [howling]

Fawn

Whoa. [laughs nervously] You're getting married?

Dylan

Yeah, she's an antelope. Her name is Cynthia.

Fawn

An antelope, so, like, a more athletic deer.

Ray

Is she hot? Oh, I bet she's hot!

Fawn

Ray!

Dylan

Um, you guys should come to the wedding.

Fawn

What?

Dylan

Yeah! A bunch of her cousins ran into an electric fence, so we have an empty table.

Fawn

Oh, absolutely not.

Ray

Absolutely yes!

Dylan

Fawn, wait!

Fawn

Leave me alone, Dylan!

Dylan

Just listen. I am sorry you had to find out this way. But there is no good way to tell your ex you're getting married.

Fawn

I don't care that you're getting married.

Dylan

Then what is it?

Fawn

[sighs] It's that you're getting married and you told me you couldn't be tamed! But now, somehow, you got magically tamed for her.

Dylan

Well, I mean, I didn't mean to. It just sort of happened.

Fawn

[sarcastically] Okay. No, I got it now. So it's just that you didn't love me enough to change for me.

Dylan

Hey, I was devastated when we broke up! It has been a long journey for me.

Fawn

[angrily] Are you shitting my dick, buddy?

Fawn

Guys… I don't think I can do it. I actually like Cynthia.

Penelope

What?

Fawn

Before she was just some abstract obstacle, but now I know the victim.

Ray

Ah, like most murderers.

[clinking her glass to get everyone's attention] Hey, everyone! Uh, Dylan and I wanted to thank you all so much for coming to our rehearsal dinner. Please enjoy the open bar, because my dad's paying.

[laughs] Okay, but just two drinks each.

Hey, I'm his only child! Go crazy!

Josh

Oh, gosh. She is delightful.

Fawn

Exactly! I can't steal her fiancé. I don't care how luscious his bone is.

Penelope

[looking at a stack of cupcakes on the table] Speaking of luscious, nobody'll notice if I just take a little… [eats a piece of frosting]

Mmm, naughty, naughty.

Penelope

[yelps in surprise] Yeah, you caught me. I'm disgusting!

No. No, you are not. You are a scamp.

Penelope

Is scamp good?

Hell, yeah! You follow your own rules. And I gotta say you look damn fine doing it. [gives her the drawing] See what I mean?

Penelope

Wow! This is what I look like to you?

Well, I did have to tone it down a little. I mean, there are children around.

[gazing at the drawing] Whoa! I think my nuts just dropped.

David! Don't look at that filth! [sensually] That's for mommy's eyes only.

Fawn

You told me you love me! You told me you couldn't stop thinking about me!

Dylan

Well, I… I do love you.

Fawn

Oh, yeah?

Dylan

But I also love Cynthia.

Fawn

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, Cynthia! I just screwed over that sweet antelope for no reason.

Dylan

I'm not sure what to do here. Do you want a hug?

Fawn

Get the fuck out, Dylan!

Penelope

How'd Cynthia take it?

Fawn

[sighs] I couldn't do it. She looked too happy.

Penelope

What? But she deserves to know the truth!

Fawn

Pen, just stop. Maybe last night was a one-time thing, and it's out of his system. Lots of guys have a last fling, right?

Ray

Yes! Everybody fucks a deer the night before their wedding. My uncle rimmed an entire herd.

Fawn

Does anyone else but Ray have a take?

Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.

Josh

Whoa.

Penelope

Some names.

The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.

Dylan

[clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.

Fawn

Huh?

Dylan

When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.

Fawn

You've gotta be kidding me.

Dylan

The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.

Fawn

[incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.

Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.

[as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.

Fawn

Ouch.

It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.

Fawn

Oh, Cynthia…

Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.

Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]

Fawn

[as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!

Ooh! Speak now.

Fawn?

Dylan

[softly] What are you doing?

Fawn

[sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.

We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!

Fawn

[loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!

Whoa, we're not deaf!

Fawn

Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.

[awkwardly] Okay…

Fawn

And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--

Dylan and I slept together last week!

What?! He fucked me three days ago!

Are you kidding me?

Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.

Meghan!

Ray

God, I picked the wrong beaver.

Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.

Dylan

Well, it did help.

Fawn

This is a nightmare.

[pissed off] Dylan, what the fuck?! [throws her bouquet of flowers at him in the chest]

Dylan

Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]

Ray

Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!

Penelope

[as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!

Josh

Uh-uh.

Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?

[wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!

Penelope

[seeing Jojo as she and Fawn exit Josh's house] Oh! Hey, babe. What are you doing here? [kisses her in the cheek]

Well, um, somebody came by our place looking for you.

[walking out of the shadows] Um, surprise.

Penelope

Summer?

Fawn

Holy shit.

Penelope

What are you… What are you doing here?

I've been looking everywhere for you. I… I made a huge mistake. I love you. And I want to be with you.

Penelope

Oh! [laughs nervously] Wow. This is… awkward.

Ray

[from Josh's bedroom window] What's happening out there?

Penelope

[loudly] Um, Summer just showed up and said she still loves me.

Ray

Wow!

Penelope

And Jojo looks… pretty cool with it? No! I didn't read that right. She's mad.

Ray

[laughing] That is… That's gotta be awkward! Is it awkward?

Fawn

[loudly] Yeah, Ray! It's awkward.

Ray

Is she still there?

Fawn

Yeah, Ray. We're all still here.

Ray

Hi, Summer!

Hi, Ray.

Ray

Hi, Jojo!

Hello, Ray.

Ray

[laughing] Oh, yeah. She does sound upset. Ah, Penelope, you really should've read my book!