[entering the bathroom] Oh, you're doing great, buddy! Everybody's talking about it! Just gotta give you your special vitamin, make you a big boy. Although, if I was a stud on one pill, what would happen if I took all the pills? Ooh, I'd be a freakin' sex god! [laughs manically]
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh, no! Did somebody steal your bоnеr pills, you stupid old bitch?
RRobert
I'm gonna kill him!
Oh, shit! Him is me!
RRobert
You freeloading bastard, where are they?!
What? I... I have no idea what you're talking about.
RRobert
I know you stole my hоrny goat weed!
I don't even know what that is. Is that for like OMSD?
RRobert
What the hell is OMSD?
I think it stands for, um… "old man soft dіck"?
Shut the door! I don't want them to see me like this.
Oh, God, what's going on?
I'm burrowing, okay?! Foxes do this when we're upset!
What are you so upset about?
I'm not upset! Fuck you! And NOTHING HAPPENED IN CANADA!
[Evening at Penelope's family house… Bethany is explaining about one of the hounds chasing Penelope into the woods while the family is having dinner]
BBethany
And then the hound chased Pen into the woods. I thought they were gonna rip her tit to taint!
PSPenelope's Dad
[strictly] This is exactly why you're not supposed to go near that farm!
Dad, she's being dramatic, okay?
PSPenelope's Dad
Hounds are vicious, vile animals!
PSPenelope's Mom
They won't stop until we're all dead and stuffed with sawdust.
PSPenelope's Dad
With glass eyeballs!
Guys! We're fine!
PSPenelope's Mom
What if you ended up like Judy O'Doherty's son?
PSPenelope's Dad
Torn to pieces!
PPenleope
What?
PSPenelope's Mom
They found his head in the woods and his rump in the river, Penelope. He was gonna be an optometrist!
Is that a good job? Or…
PSPenelope's Mom
[sternly] You listen to me, young lady. This is not a game. You are not to go near that farm ever again. Understand?
Yes, I understand.
BBethany
[catching Penelope sneaking off, after snooping on the forbidden romance of her and Summer] Where do you think you're going?
Jesus! Bethany, you scared the scat out of me.
BBethany
I know you've been sneaking around with that hound.
[gasps in shock] I have no idea what you're talking about.
BBethany
Don't play dumb! I saw you have, like, 11 orgasms. You got finger blasted in a river…
Would you shut up, you little creep?! [trying to keep her quiet]
BBethany
[yelps] Mom! Dad!
PSPenelope's Dad
Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?
BBethany
Penelope's been sneaking off and hooking up with a hound!
PSPenelope's Dad
What?!
PSPenelope's Mom
Is this true?
Yes, it's true! We're in love!
PSPenelope's Mom
That's ridiculous!
PSPenelope's Dad
Penelope, you are a fox. She is a hound!
We're in a cave! This is a rock. Who cares?
PSPenelope's Father
Oh, my God! The whole filthy pack must have our scent by now!
PSPenelope's Mom
We need to leave immediately!
What?
PSPenelope's Dad
If we stay, they'll track us, kill us in our sleep, tear open our insides and use our intestines as scarves!
Dad, you've got to stop watching Fox News!
PSPenelope's Mom
Both of you, pack up your things. We leave a daybreak.
[throws down her suitcase] NO! You don't even know Summer! She would never hurt us!
PSPenelope's Mom
I know she ain't nothing but a hound dog.
PSPenelope's Dad
And she is not a friend of ours!
[reaching her breaking point, on the verge of tears] YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! [runs out of the window, and heads towards the farm]
[to Josh and Ray] What the fuck are you guys doing here?
I'm in the pack!
I'm also here.
Yes, I can see that, Josh, but why?
Because it's a full moon! [howls along with Ray, Dylan, and all the other wolves] And, when we went to the dump…
Which rocked ass!
I got the perfect gift for Olivia. [takes out a pair of nunchucks] Ta-fucking-da, bitch.
Nunchucks?
Yeah. You can smack stuff with 'em. Show her, Josh.
[swings them around, breaking stuff, and accidentally hits himself in the snout] Ow! My snout!
[takes them out of his hand] You think Olivia wants a karate weapon from the dump for her anniversary?
You know, when a lady says it, it really does sound like a crappy gift.
Oh, man! [runs out of the house] Somebody help me! What do girls like?!
[to Dylan] I think it's insane that there's a full-blown party in my house right now. It's 4:00 in the morning!
Babe, it's a sacred night, and they're our guests.
They're your guests, who you invited without asking me.
But…
And they're trashing our house.
It's a full--
[swinging the nunchucks] No! If you say "full moon" again!
RWRay & Wolves
Full moon!
[throws down the nunchucks, angrily having enough] That's it! EVERYONE OUT, RIGHT NOW! [opens the door, kicking Ray and all the other wolves out of the house]
Come on, sweetheart. Let's get out of here.
[after Fawn slams the door closed] What the hell was that?
I am not doing this right now. I'm going (back) to sleep.
Babe…
No! [points to the sofa] That's your bed tonight! Bad wolf!
[sarcastically when she sees the living room still in a mess that Dylan didn't clean up after the full moon party] Good. You didn't clean up.
[waking up; annoyed] Good morning to you too. Can we talk about you kicking my pack out last night, or do you need to stomp off again like a Clydesdale?
Oh, we doing insults? You smell like fucking shit, buddy.
Very mature.
And you were the asshole last night.
You know what, Josh?
What?
[outraged] I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!
GGina
Hi ya, boys.
Va-va-voom!
Did you just "va-va-voom" your own mom?
Yeah!
GGina
Mom? Ew! Call me Gina.
You know, try to yuck my yum with Gina.
I'm not trying to yuck your yum, I'm trying to protect you.
Well, who asked you? I never see my mom! Let me enjoy it!
Look, Ray, I really didn't want to have to tell you this, but… Your mom, she tried to seduce me.
You fuck my mom?
What? No, of course not!
Oh! So what are you saying? You're too good to fuck my mom?!
What is wrong with you? Ow!
You should be so lucky, friend! The things she could teach you!
Yeah, like how incredible penicillin is?
Yeah!
Oh, my God! Ray, she is a bad mom!
Well, you are a bad friend!
Oh! Well, you're a… fool!
Oh, really?! Well, then you're not invited to my birthday party!
Good, I don't want to go to a fool's birthday party!
Good, because I don't want you there!
Well, good luck planning this event without me, because the caterer is an absolute nightmare to deal with!
[looking over his shopping list] All right, let's see. I got a rusty fan, refrigerator door, mangled shoe.
Ray…
All I've got is statement pieces. I need basics. God, why is junk so expensive these days?
Ugh, we've been shopping all morning. Can we please just go home?
No, I gotta fill up my place again. Ever since my mom took all my stuff, I feel like such a loser.
Okay, well, with all due respect, I am a way bigger loser than you are.
What? No!
I have no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened.
Huh! I think you are a bigger loser than I am.
[Watering Hole bar; A heartbroken Zeke tells Ray, Fawn, and Penelope about Carlos breaking up with him]
I'm sorry. Help me out, Zeke. Who… Who's Carlos? I barely know who you are.
Carlos is the moose who helped him figure out he's gay. Okay, so, Zeke, what exactly did he say?
[sobs] He said…
[Flashback at Zeke's house]
CCarlos
I don't want to be your boyfriend.
[weeping] But I love you!
CCarlos
No, you don't. Name one thing you love about me.
That you're… That you're gay?
[Back to the present]
Oh, God, Zeke.
But he is!
Okay, what happened next?
He said…
[Flashback resumes]
CCarlos
You're a baby gay, and I'm not looking to change diapers.
What does that even mean?
CCarlos
It means that you're fresh out of the closet. You should be going fuck crazy. Get out there! Get laid!
[weeping emotionally] But you just said I'm a baby! That's wrong!
[Back to the present again]
Zeke, you foolish moose. [slaps him in the face three times] This… Is… A… Gift!
Please stop hitting me.
I mean, Ray does have a point. You've only slept with one guy.
Exactly. You gotta get out there and put your thing in their thing. And then, if you're down, they'll put their thing in your thing. And then, I don't know, you guys all go to the gym?
So you want me to just go out there and have a bunch of random bad sex?
Yeah!
Even the bad sex is educational. It teaches you what good sex is.
This place is insane.
The smell is interesting.
Like shit, but not quite?
It's shit-adjacent.
I like it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mating Season pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.