Hey Bud, Mom is sick. Get her an aspirin.
I am bushed.
No pressure. Do it tomorrow.
S6 E21Teacher Pets
S6 E22The Goodbye Girl
Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?
A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?
S6 E23The Gas Station Show
We're in trouble. Daddy's watching Shenandoah.
No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.
You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.
Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you will inflict upon us for being your family? What is it this time, honey? You gonna get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bocce? (with dread in her voice): Oh, no, Al. Not the "Boo-Hoo with You-Know-Who At The Zoo".
Al (as he gets up from the couch): No, Peg, because we're not allowed in the zoo, thanks to young Mr. Bundy who answered the question: "What happens when you feed a panda Pop Rocks?"
At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. (to Kelly): And I wasn't the one pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"
Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.
(Bud and Kelly turn to Peg, who hangs her head in shame)
Well, at least I didn't turn her in.
Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom.
Bud (defensively): Hey, now that was a hot chimp!
That's sick! That's sick!
(Bud and Kelly begin strangling each other, their conversation overlapping)
Families are meant to be together.
But we don't wanna be together.
You have no choice.
We're going to take a Sunday drive.
Kelly (picks up her head): In the Dodge? (shrieks, and buries her face in Bud's shoulder)
Just for that, you ride in the back seat with your mother.
I'm not going to tell you now, but I have a special surprise in mind.
You got a bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is My Feet"?
You used your finger to make a really cool racing stripe in the dirt on the side of the car?
You got a new 8-track of "Hotel California"? We can crank it as we're towed down the freeway?
S6 E24England Show: Part 1
CCaptain
This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.
AL!
Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?
I'd like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I'm not proposing a solution, ‘cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I'd just like to say "I don't like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"
CCrowd
Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.
Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.
CCrowd
No!
I thought not.
WWinston
It is the St Paul's Cathedral.
BThe Bundys
Great.
WWinston
There is Parliament.
BThe Bundys
Great.
WWinston
Tower Bridge.
BThe Bundys
Great.
WWinston
And the Trafalgar Square.
BThe Bundys
Great.
WWinston
The Buckingham Palace.
BThe Bundys
Great.
Look! A McDonald's!
Peg, quick! Get the camera!
S6 E25England Show: Part 2
You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!
Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?
You're the king, baby.
Make me believe it.
Who's gonna make me believe it?
HBHanged Bundy Ghost
Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.
IBImpaled Bundy Ghost
Beware!
HBHeadless Bundy Ghost
You will die in the morning!
DBDisemboweled Bundy Ghost
Run! Run while you still can!
5B5th Bundy Ghost
Wanna buy some shoes?
S6 E26England Show: Part 3
Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."
Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!
WWinston
Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.
TTrevor
No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.
WWinston
That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.