Where are you going?
Where do you think I'm going?
To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?
S5 E9Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
S5 E10One Down, Two To Go
Al, our baby's gone. Hold me.
I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?
Bud, was I a good mother?
Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.
S5 E11And Baby Makes Money
And then of course there's that ten months of pregnancy.
Ten?
Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.
S5 E12Married... With Who
[reads test questions from a magazine to Al] Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...
B!
I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.
Bye, Daddy.
No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.
Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.
Al{on phone}: Yeah, we are having a wedding so we need about 2 pounds of cold cuts. What is your cheapest stuff?...Yes, I will take the beaks and claws! I still think 12 cents a pound is damn steep.
S5 E13The Godfather
[Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel.]
Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?
Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?
Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.
That's why our marriage works.
[in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!
Kelly enters with a middle-aged man; Peg and Al are aghast at her new boyfriend
HHarry
I did not know Kelly had a sister.
He's OK by me!
HHarry
This must be Mr. Bundy.
Shakes hands with Al
HHarry
Hello, Harry Ashland, I am an alderman.
That's a priest, Daddy.
HHarry
No, an alderman is more like a city councilman.
Oh. Then how come you wanted me to call you Father?
S5 E14Look Who's Barking
BBuck
If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.
HHans
Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.
Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.
HHans
I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.
Bye! [slams the door in his face]
S5 E15A Man's Castle
Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do -- but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.
Men cheer Al on; Al goes home
M2Man #2
How about yourself?
M1Man #1
I am taking my chances in there!
Man goes into broken bathroom
Bundy residence. Al enters to the tune of Bad to the Bone. He eats multiple tacos and drinks hot sauce from the bottle. Al heads up to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Peg and all of her classmates from interior decorating school flee Bundy residence
SCScreen crawl
And the very next day, Al got his bathroom back.
Daddy, who made you this meat?
Well, back then, we called her "Mother." See kids, "Mother" meant "home-cooking" back then. Of course, back then, "gay" meant "happy".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.