Al (to Bud): Son, let this be a lesson to you: Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.
S5 E3Sue Casa, His Casa
Fly.
(Kelly smiles, then socks Bud in the stomach)
Tapeworm.
S5 E4The Unnatural
[three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [รก la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!
S5 E5The Dance Show
Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.
S5 E6Kelly Bounces Back
I'm not cooking tonight, you know.
Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.
Not with me. I'm on strike.
Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.
Hey, Peg -- still on strike?
What does it look like?
You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.
Oh, man! It feels like I died and went to Dad's happy corner in the basement.
I beg of you, Pepe Le Pew. Keep your urges and your odor in check.
S5 E7Married...With Aliens
Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.
Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!
Were they green before or after they touched your socks?
I lost the pictures.
Aliens pose for new pictures
No, sorry, guys, I busted the camera in my anger. Nothing ever goes right for me. Sometimes I wonder if Al Bundy was ever meant to be in this universe at all.
Aliens put arms over Al in support
Thanks, guys. You can have my socks. By the way, what do you need them for?
AAliens
PEZUZU.
SSubtitle
FUEL.
NNarrator
It was a time of great darkness. A giant comet cut a path of destruction through the universe. The one man who could save them all was unappreciated on his homeworld. But on planet Preludon, they still sing songs about the man whose socks created fuel for the ships that battled the comet and stopped it, savings hundreds of worlds to include Earth. This man's name? Al Bundy!
Al laid out packages of unworn socks in an attempt to bait aliens. Nothing happens. The following night the aliens return
How come you guys didn't come? Look at all these socks.
Aliens pick up fresh socks and shake heads. One of them pulls a pair out the dresser and nods head
I get it, these are new. You want used.
S5 E8Wabbit Season
First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."
So what?
[starts crying] Today's Wednesday.
[singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.
I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight.
[talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.
Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! [as Peggy drags him into the house] I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!
S5 E9Do Ya Think I'm Sexy
[to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?
Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Married... with Children pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.