Malcolm in the Middle · Season 5
[Malcolm tries to keep Dewey out of the Krelboyne class.]
[to Dewey] Trust me, I'm the good brother. I'm the one who cares about you.
But you beat me up and make fun of me.
Only when you're being annoying. Dewey, I'm serious. How can I make you understand? The coolest person in the class... was me!
Okay, I'll do it.
This is important. Restriction enzymes are used for chromosome mapping, DNA testing, gene splicing. It's for a big national competition. If we win this, our paper will be published in a scientific journal. We'll probably be able to write our ticket to any college in the country.
Then everyone... will pay.
Only our incubator keeps breaking down. Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood, our yeast keeps getting contaminated.
Maybe I can help.
That's okay, Reese. If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket, we'll give you a call.
I gave him some food coloring and told him they were chemicals.
Guys! I made an incredible discovery! When you mix together blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color! [Holds up a test tube full of green liquid] I shall call it...blellow!
I just remembered, tomorrow I'm getting waxed.
You know what else is strange?
What?
Have you heard a bird or a cricket or anything in the last two minutes?
No, everything has gone quiet as a graveyard.
[Lois and Malcolm turn around and gets scared to see an enraged Ida at Sylvia's doorstep]
JUDAS!!!!!
Mother, what are you doing here?
[in a sarcastic voice] "Oh Mommy, I'd love you to come to my baby's party". Do you think I was born yesterday?! I could spot lies coming out of your mouth before it had teeth in it!
Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook.
Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's other pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common-law wife, I am entitled to that pension.
I really don't know what you're talking about.
The truth will burst out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family.
[walks towards Ida; in a sotto voice] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave, so help me God, I'll rip the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK SCARS!
[Ida and Lois faces each other momentarily.]
Can he at least put some pants on?
I just stopped thinking. I figured out that using my brain was the whole problem. Not just here, but my entire life. If I do exactly what I'm told and nothing else, then everything gets easy. It's not even a question of smart or dumb. You just turn yourself into a tool. I'm much happier that way. I'm the world's happiest tool.
Haven't you finished paying these bills yet?
How am I supposed to know which ones to blow off? "Ultimate Final Notice" is obviously more serious than "Absolute Final Notice," but pink is angrier than yellow, and this one's still saying, "Please."
[shows Malcolm a legal document.] Malcolm, we need to talk. I know we've been avoiding this, but it's time to face facts. You need to forge Dad's signature declaring Mom mentally incompetent. That way when Dad goes to jail, you can get emancipated and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie.
Strange, I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. Life, huh?
I can't fake Dad's signature. I do Mom, Reese does Dad.
What?!? You should each be able to do both! What did I tell you about building a little redundancy into the system?
Lois, we won the case! Now we can get our lives back to the way they were.
[getting angry] You didn't work on Fridays? After all the sacrifices I made for this family. For 15 years, I worked double shifts, drove carpools, cleaned the house, while you were FEEDING SHAMU!!!
Actually, it's Keiko 2. He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. It's a really good show. Let's go. We should see it sometime.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
