HMr. Herkabe
You are going to secretly conduct an in-case study of a deviant mind. The most deviant mind we have in our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased…
You're talking about my brother!
S5Malcolm Films Reese
This is an official apology. I'm a horrible person and I'm sorry. What I did was horrible, even by our standards. And, let's face it, we've set the bar very low.
S5Malcolm's Job
I can't handle Malcolm and Reese anymore. I need a good big brother before it's too late. I'm like one wedgie away from an eating disorder.
[Malcolm has just caught Lois outside with a cigarette.]
YOU'RE SMOKING?! After all the times you've lectured us? After telling us if we smoke you'd kill us before the cancer did, after you would push Francis' lit cigarette back into his mouth and make him swallow, and you smoke?! You SMOKE?!
S5Christmas Trees
Every time you come into contact with me and my family, something horrible happens to you. I can't deal with the guilt anymore.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, if it weren't for us you'd still have all your teeth, you wouldn't flinch every time you saw a ceiling fan, your car would never have been filled with bees.
Coincidences.
Craig, you broke your foot looking up a phone number for me.
The only way I've managed to get through my crappy life with any shred of self-worth is by living in denial. If I let myself get beaten by failure, I would have quit after one kid.
CCop
That's not my problem. You get them out, or you will be spending Christmas in a jail cell.
Thanks for spending Christmas with my relatives.
S5Block Party
Communities seek out a common enemy. If it wasn't us, they'd all team up against someone else. Probably a minority.
The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone.
Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
S5Dirty Magazine
[explaining the school magazine's editorial policy] Nothing gets rejected. It doesn't matter how self-involved or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is. If it can be stapled, it's in.
The principal of your school called. He said you filed a lawsuit so you could destroy the school.
That's a total lie. All I want to do is publish a magazine full of dirty words.
S5Hot Tub
Who has the mustard?
I don't know. Maybe Reese stole it like he steals everything.
Well maybe the mustard likes me better. Maybe the mustard and I have more fun.
S5Ida's Boyfriend
Lois, You're moving to China?
I know. Chickens in the street, children in the sweatshops, everyone smokes. It's a dream come true.
If he still has his teeth and is good in bed, why wait? [Malcolm is disgusted.] Oh, I forgot, this one doesn't like girls.
Grandma, I'm not gay.
MMan
That's right, I'm just a liar.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.