Malcolm in the Middle · Season 1
[A small, random kid is eating breakfast at the Wilkerson house]
Who's this?
How should I know?
Hal?
Beats me.
Dewey, is this a friend of yours?
Uh-huh.
Who is he?
I dunno.
What's your name, son?
[Whispering] Egg.
Did he say Greg?
I thought he said Craig.
His name is Egg.
Egg?
I named him.
Well, you can't keep him! He needs to go home. Okay?
Okay.
[On the phone with Francis] Then, she slid in the trash and ran off. I swear this family is falling apart.
[Elated] Yes! I knew this moment would come. They don't have their "scapegoat" around so everything goes to hell.
[Malcolm gets an idea forming in his head.]
No one realizes that I was the one who held this family together. Without me to blame everything on, they doesn't know what to do with themselves.
A scapegoat, thanks. [He quickly hangs up and faces the screen] He's right. This family needs a scapegoat. I started this, so I should be the one to end it.
[Lois had just gotten wind of Reese breaking Dewey's birthday present, thank to Malcolm taking the backpack and revealing the crushed Mighty Man toy as proof of his older brother's wrongdoing.]
Oh my God! Was this Dewey's present?
Present?
Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? HAL!
I'm on it. [standing up and taking Reese's hockey stick] That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
[smug] There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
[Lois and Hal are further disgusted with Reese.]
You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man.
Mighty Man?!
I can't believe you.
This is a whole new low, Reese.
[Attempts to stand up, but Hal and Lois forces him back on the couch] First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. And as for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
[convinced] Who says "we're" not going.
You did!
Well you can guess again. You're going to march up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman. We all are!
Alright, everyone into the car as-is! We're gonna have to drive creatively but we might make the end! Let's go! Chop-chop! Here we go!
[The Wilkersons rush outside while Egg continues sitting in the living room. After a few moments, Hal opens a door]
Egg! Come on!
[At Aunt Helen's funeral] Yeah Francis, your father's giving a speech and it's actually kind of good.
Can I have my phone back?
I'm almost done, sweetie. [continues talking to Francis] Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
[Reese is seen with his back turned facing the corner and his nose to the wall as his punishment for breaking Dewey's birthday present as well as his intentions to stash the remains in Aunt Helen's coffin. He turns around thinking Lois hasn't seen him. Unfortunately, she busted him doing so and is angry at him.]
[yelling at Reese] YOU TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND, MISTER!!!
[Everyone else is shocked as Reese in fear turns around to face the wall.]
[to Francis] You'll never guess what Reese did.
Listen to the words: good, boy, cheerleader. Quit while you still have some dignity.
Oh, and let her think I'm a quitter.
You can't even remember a simple six-step routine.
There's six steps?
Yes. It's just right-left-right-left-reverse-pose.
You remember that by just watching?
You guys did it like ten times!
So, you know my routine?
It's not that hard.
But... you know my routine.
Yes, I do. Look, I know where this is going...
No, you don't. You're going to help me.
That is where I was going.
Oh, good. Let's get started.
No! Don't you know how embarrassing this is?
I know what's more embarrassing.
What?
Getting beaten to a coma by a good boy cheerleader.
Now, I want to tell you what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. And Dewey, I'll make this easy for you to understand. [looks around for toys and grabs a robot and a girl doll]
[to the camera] Oh, man! I still play with that.
You see, there's a certain thing that happens between normal healthy people. It's called chemistry. [accidentally fires toy gun from the robot] Well, that doesn't happen, except maybe the first time. But what does happen is this. [imitates robot] "I like you!" [imitates girl doll] "I like you, too!" [back to normal voice] ... and if they love each other and take their proper precautions, they'll have sex, but I've told you that already.
[smiling] Not me.
Well, ask your brothers.
[Malcolm & Reese give disgusted looks]
If the boy is from our family, it goes a little more like this... "I like you." "I HATE you!" "Now, I LOVE you!" "LEAVE ME ALONE! Your insane neediness is driving me away!" "Look at me! Look at me, I'm crazy! Pay attention to me! I'm an idiot, watch me crash and burn! Woop-woop-woop, whoo!"
[Reese is seen rollerblading through the house and sitting on the couch]
Wait a minute...somebody stepped in something...oh my God...oh my God! What a mess! Reese, what did you roll in?
Aw, man! [After inspecting the wheels of his skate, he begins wiping it off on the corner of the table]
[Lois opens her mouth to scream]
...
[Lois emits a pained squeak]
You have to admit, it is kind of funny. Yelling so loud you actually throw out your back?
[Busting Reese on the intercom] What are you doing!
Nothing.
Get a glass.
[Reese tries to ignore Lois by trying to drink from the milk carton again]
Don't you dare! When I'm well, I'm going to beat you blue, mister. Get a glass!!!
All right! Okay!!!
Can I have some milk?
Yes... but get a glass!
Okay.
I cannot believe you said that to dad. Oh by the way if you pass Francis on your way to Siberia, tell him I said hi.
Do you think he told mom?
I wouldn't worry about that. Mom's feeling a lot better. Dr. Reese paid her a visit.
What are you talking about?
[talking about Hal's failure to slip Lois pain medication] Let's just say pills and sandwich, not effective. Pills and milk, effective.
[answering the phone] Hello! Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson. Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going in to work today. Well, how about this? I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless, mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun. Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree. [hangs up; rips the phone from wall]
Hello!
Who are you?
Edwin Spangler. I am Commandant of Marlin Academy.
Good for you. Where's your eye?
Pardon?
Do your ears work? Do you have some business with my son? He needs to rest.
Well, I stopped by to pick up your boy's homework.
Homework?! You're not giving him homework. My son nearly lost his life - something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf...
Crying wolf? You listen to me, you idiot! My child is sick. He does not need you marching in here, puffing up your little chest, and making his life more miserable than it already is. Why don't you just go play "army man" somewhere else?
[walking away] God, she is magnificent.
I'm really adopted, aren't I?
No, you're ours, and we love you.
Damn!
You know, Francis, we never actually intended to show that letter to Mom. We were just trying to scare you.
I know, you guys would never do that to me.
But if she did see the letter, you know it was an accident, right?
Yeah, but Richie has the letter. Please tell me Richie has the letter.
Richie has coupons. Mom has the letter. But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.
So the thing you were threatening to do all day but had no intention of doing you did, but didn't mean to?
They have a fake letter. I knew Francis wouldn't leave us alone without getting something, and I knew you'd give it away. I knew exactly what everyone would do.
So where's the real letter?
I had to think of the one place they'd never think of looking. I had to give it to the one person they'd never think I'd give it to. I did the most brilliant thing of all: I gave it to Dewey.
And I hid it under Mom's pillow.
You WHAT?!
[A sick Lois is seen sitting up on her bed. She is shocked by the contents of the letter detailing Francis' prank to both a prestige university and Marlin Academy.]
[A sick Lois is sitting on the bed now realizing that today is Monday. Because she is caught up with her flu and Francis' prank to Marlin Academy, she has ignored punishing the boys for skipping school]
I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I am going to kill him!
OOOOOOHH, this is all a dream.
Oh, shut up, Reese!
Malcolm': Mom, stop it. You're sick.
I'm too mad to be sick. You know he's finally done it this time. Where is that brochure for the work farm in Arizona?
[Lois goes through a drawer on her nightstand for the work farm in Arizona for troubled teens. The boys are no more troubled when Lois brings it out and realize where Francis may be heading next.]
He thinks Military school is tough. Just wait.... Wait.... wait... wait... wait...
[She heads to the bathroom to throw up.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
