Turns out, I'm naturally talented at science and dancing. Two things that are guaranteed to get me beat up.
S7Bomb Shelter
S7Stevie in the Hospital
CClerk
Can I help you find something?
Yeah, do you have any cards that don't say "Get well"?
CClerk
This is a hospital. Usually, we're rooting for the patient.
Did you know how hard it was to get this job? Everywhere else I applied called my references. Thank God telemarketing has no standards. Basically, I get to harass old people and shut-ins all day. I'm getting paid to do what I love.
S7Cattle Court
Okay, this is the only universe this could possible exist in. I'm 90 years old. Hal is dead. I have dementia and I need someone to keep me from catching on fire. There's no money for a nurse, my sons won't do it, and I'm asleep for 22 hours a day. Then, and only then, maybe we could be together.
It's like you're reading straight out of my diary.
I am so happy. I'm sneaking out to a concert Friday night while Mom works the late shift. The band sucks, but I have backstage passes. And if that's even one billionth as insane as I've always imagined it, I could die happy.
S7Morp
That was a good thing you did, son.
Thanks.
Enjoy the cake. That's the last thing you're going to eat in a long time that hasn't been dipped in sardine juice. [Dewey looks shocked while Lois takes a picture] Hey! Finally, a picture for your memory book.
[as everyone leaves to go to the prom while leaving the morp] You can't just let them say "I'm sorry" after 12 years of treating us like crap! Wait a minute. they never even said, "sorry!" This is a trap! These are the same people who made fun of your clothes all through school, and laughed at your haircuts, and called you Malcolm-Balcolm! You'll be sorry!
NGNaked Guy
[goes up to Malcolm] Finally, now we've got some breathing room in here.
[Malcolm looks disgusted]
S7Graduation
Lois, I really think he's gonna do it this time! You gotta stop him! [Francis storms in and seizes a poker from the fireplace]
There you are! I drove by eighty miles of blunt objects just to get to you! I HOPE YOU RUN!
You better make that first swing count, princess!
[While Francis attempts to stab his grandma]
Hal...
Right. [Calming down Francis] Son. Don't feel bad. In some parallel universe you did it.
[Cleaning up after the explosion of Reese's giant stinkbomb]
[furious] You know what? I'm glad. This is appropriate! Now my life looks exactly how I feel! How could you screw me over like that?!
Because you were going to take that job, and we are not going to let you throw your life away!
How is being rich throwing my life away?!
Because it's not the life you're supposed to have! The life you're supposed to have is you go to Harvard, and you earn every fellowship and internship they have! You graduate first in your class and you start working in public service- either district attorney or running some foundation- and then you become Governor of a mid-size state and then you become President.
What?!
Of the United States.
Dad...!
I'm sorry, son. It's true. [Malcolm looks at his brothers, who all nod in agreement]
Thought you knew.
Our expectations started out much smaller, but you just kept upping the ante.
What if I don't want to be President?!
It's too late for that, you're gonna do it!
[sarcastic] Really?! Have you decided my position of capital gains tax cuts?! What are my foreign policy objectives?!
That doesn't matter. What does matters is that you will be the only person in that position who will ever give a crap about people like us! We've been getting the short end of the stick for thousands of years and I, for one, am sick of it! Now you are going to be President, mister, and that's the end of it!
Did it ever occur to you that I could have taken this job, gotten really rich and bought my way into being President?!
Of course it did. We decided against it.
WHAT?!
Because then you wouldn't be a good President. You wouldn't have suffered enough.
I've been suffering all my life!
I'm sorry, but it's not enough. You know what it's like to be poor and you know what it's like to work hard. Now you're going to learn what it's like to sweep floors and bust your ass and accomplish twice as much as all the kids around you. And it won't mean anything because they will still look down on you, and you will want so much for them to like you and they just won't. And that'll break your heart, and that'll make your heart bigger and open your eyes, and finally you will realize that there's more to life than proving you're the smartest person in the world! I'm sorry, Malcolm, but you don't get the easy path. You don't get to just have fun and be rich and live the life of luxury.
That's Dewey.
[gleeful] Really?
This is unbelievable! You actually expect me to become President?! No, no, I'm sorry- you expect me to be one of the greatest Presidents in the history of the United States!
You look me in the eye and tell me you can't do it. [Malcolm can only stand in silence]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.