[sarcastically] I have to hand it to you, Mom, having Grandma look after us sure kept us out of trouble.
Where's your brother?
In Vegas.
S7Bride of Ida
S7College Recruiters
Another college recruiter? When I was applying, believe me, there were no recruiters. If I hadn't found that ad inside that matchbook, I may never have pursued higher education!
For your information, marriage isn't just about sex. It's about commitment. You know, we can't have sex until after the waiting period.
The waiting period?
Poor, naive Malcolm! All women, when they get married, require a waiting period from six months to a year.
S7Mono
This is so awesome. Mom and Dad just got back from the doctor's, and it turns out she has mono. She's been ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. After all those years of stepping on cracks, it finally paid off. I mean, it's no broken back, but I'll take it.
[at the computer] I can't wait until everyone at school finds out you got the kissing disease from mom, which will happen right about... [clicks a button on the computer's mouse] now.
I didn't kiss her; you saw it.
What I saw was you and Mom making out on the couch. Dewey?
It was disgusting.
[frustrated] She licked her finger and touched my face!
Spare us the perv details.
S7Hal Grieves
Mom's the kind of crazy where she always yells at us. But Dad's the kind of crazy where he buys us an Xbox 360.
You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
I guess.
I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
It's the least we could do for him.
S7A.A.
[Reese and Dewey are watching T.V, and Reese is poking Dewey in the head]
Mom, Reese is poking me.
(uncaring) That's it, you two. Either side of the couch. Now!
[Reese continues to poke Dewey with a plastic baseball bat]
He's still poking me.
Resse, go to your room. I don't want you within 30 feet of him.
[Lois and Hal are preparing to leave, and Lois stops to address the boys]
Before I forget...
[Lois picks up a vase on a table]
This is the one thing left in this house that I care about. I don't want to spend the next two days worrying about 'How will they break it,' 'Where will they hide the pieces,' 'How will they lie about it when I come home?' So...
[Lois drops and breaks the vase as the boys look on]
There. Now I can relax.
Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision. We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught? They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents. This is the perfect crime.
I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.
Arcade? What are you, 12?
Yeah.
S7Lois Strikes Back
Are you trying to calm me down?
No. I just don't think it leads anywhere good when you get like this.
[quietly] Get like what?
Well... you know.
No, I don't know. How is it I get?
Well...
If I have a problem, I would love for you to explain it to me. [pause; Lois continues glaring at Hal]
You know what, honey? This seems like a-a much longer conversation, and it just so happens that I am right in the middle of a project in the garage.
I've been a terrible mother.
It's okay, Mom. I've known that for a long time.
S7Hal's Dentist
Mom, you might not know this, but I used to be afraid of a lot of things. Thunder, frogs, mailboxes...
You were afraid of mailboxes?
I used to imagine that if I stuck my hand in a mailbox, it would slam shut and rip my hand off. But I had something conquer my fear by ripping the lid off every mailbox in the neighborhood! I turned that fear into hate!
Oh, it's too hard? Well, why didn't you say so? When things get tough, you got to just give up and run away from your dreams. Lower your expectations. That's fine. I've had my fun. If you want to quit, go ahead and quit.
All right, Reese, you made your point. Let's give it a try.
No, I was really saying quit.
S7Bomb Shelter
What if we do everything on his "To Do" board and then let him out?
That's brilliant. He couldn't be mad at us if we did all this for him. He's got stuff on here that he's been meaning to do for years. [reads note] "Change Dewey's diaper."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.