Uncle quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Daolon Wong

Step aside, wizard! Your tepid spells cannot stop me!

Be warned! I was a student of Chi Master Fong!

Daolon Wong

And I am Daolon Wong, the Dark Master who defeated Fong!

[gasp] You will PAY for that!

Jade

Jackie! [leaps on him]

Jackie

Hello.

Jade

[gasp; takes Greenbeard's Gloves] Are these from Greenbeard's ship? Can I keep 'em, please? I've been reading all about Greenbeard!

Jackie

You've been reading? For pleasure?

Jade

Tch. Not like there's anything else to do around here! [picks up nearby book] "The meanest pirate of them all! Greenbeard swore he would keep stealing forever, even after he died. Argh!" How cool was he?

Jackie

There is nothing "cool" about stealing, Jade.

Jade

Aw...

Crime does not pay. If Captain Black had not pulled strings after I left the Dark Hand, I would be in prison right now.

Instead, he lives under the supervision of his parole officer! [reveals Mahjong hand] So Tohru is free to lose as many games of Mahjong as he likes!

[inspecting a vase] Is this late Yuan Dynasty or early Ming?

Uh... It is from China. [Customer leaves the shop]

[scoffs] You are a terrible salesman! You must know the merchandise.

Jade

Uncle's right, Tohru. For example, this lovely lamp is from the junk dyansty.

Jackie

You are not helping, Jade.

Uh... Note the hand painted details and um... [clears throat] Duck shape?

Jackie

How nice. I will take two.

Aiya! Tohru, you must mention its age. And Jackie, I did not believe your performance for a second.

Jade

Oh Uncle! Somebody made a sale.

Jackie

Jade!

Jade

But wait! I also made an acquisition. [holds the Emerald of Killarney]

AIYA!

Infamous Emerald of Killarney. Feared throughout the world.

Jade

Feared?

That stone carries an Irish curse bringing endless bad luck to whomever possesses it. Jade, you are cursed!

Jade

Really? I don't feel cur- [wind suddenly blows money from her hand into a candle flame] I'M CURSED!

Jade

I got you into this, at least let me help get you out! Besides, you can't go to Ireland by yourself. You're cursed.

Jackie

I can handle a little bad luck Jade.

Not without Uncle's lucky charms. [gives him a Garlic necklace] Garlic, good for digestion, and for luck. One more thing. [hands him a live rabbit] Rabbit's feet. They work better when they are still on the rabbit. [gives him a handful of radishes] And keep these with you at all times, or else...

Jackie

Or else what?

The rabbit will get hungry!

Jackie

[cellphone rings] Hello?

Jackie, I have been doing more research. Tohru is performing an Irish Good Luck spell for you. Is it working?

Jackie

Don't- [pinched] Ow! -think so.

You call that an Irish Jig, Tohru? That spell says you must River Dance! [to Jackie] One more thing. To avoid bad luck, always wear a belt, beware of men named Seamus, and never stand with your back to an open door.

Jackie

Are you making these up?

Do you want Uncle's help or not?!

Jackie

[backs away from an open door] Bah! Open door! [backs into Finn, Ratso, and Chow] Ah! The Dark Hand?!

Not anymore. We are Finn and the Revolution!

I thought we were the Finn Experience.

Eh, I'm still playing around with names.

Captain Black

I'm very sorry about this.

You should be sorry! We are not used to travelling with outsiders! You are ruining our Feng Shui!

Captain Black

Uh, I meant about the Talismans. I just couldn't get the rocks to work their magic!

Jade

[grabbing the Rooster Talisman from Black's backpack] You gotta have the right touch.

Jackie

[grabs the Talisman and puts it back] Jade...

Jade

Not even for demonstration purposes?

Jackie

No.

Jade

[snaps her finger, unknowingly activating the Monkey Talisman power] Rats. [transforms a nearby boulder into a statue of rats]

Jade

[easily lifting up two monks in chairs] Jackie, check it out! I'm super strong! [runs around fast] Super fast, [turns invisible] super gone, [transformers into a monkey] super chimp, [reverts to herself] super Talisman powered! [grabs a green cloth and wears it like a cape] I'm T-Girl!

Jackie

[shocked] How?!

Jade

Not sure. But I think each finger controls a different power. Which would leave two unaccounted for.

Jackie

Not what I meant!

Jade

Oh, not sure how it happened. Maybe... [realizes] When I got zapped in the vault! Duh. [smacks her forehead, unleashing the Pig Talisman's Heat Beam power, blowing a hole in the temple] Whoa! So that's how I do heat beam eyes! Maybe dragon blast is my belly button!

Jackie

No Jade, no dragon blast!

Power must be returned to their proper vessels with a restoration spell.

Jade

Aw...

But we must first retrieve the Talismans themselves.

Jade

Well what are we waiting for? Let's find Wong and stomp his ancient troub-

Jackie

No.

Jade

But Jackie, I have the power!

Jackie

Which Daolon Wong wants. Which is why you must stay here. Safe.

Do not waste your strength, someone will come.

Jackie

Let us hope it's not a wolf.

Black

Or a yeti. [pause] Well they have those here, right?

Jade

Okay, let's try this one more time! [calls Uncle] Uncle! Evil wizards stole Stonehenge and-

Jackie told me, so we did research. Jade, the wizards are called Magisters.

Jade

I know-

One more thing. Their society is very secretive.

Jade

I know-

One more thing. They use magic words to cast spells.

Jade

I know-

One more thing...

This antidote will release from detention he who is trapped in another dimension.

Jade

Uhhh, Jackie?

[British Accent] It's just me, but thank you ever so much for freeing me from that beastly limbo.

... Not Jackie.

[sniffs the air] Aah, lunch!

Uhh, cookie?

[eyeing Jade] What's a cookie? [roars, frightening Jade and Uncle]

Go away! [the amphibious monster is sent back through the portal] I must find another spell.

Jade

You think?!

Jackie

[while fighting in Tohru's ear] Tohru, you must stop Uncle. I am inside your head!

Sensei, Jackie says he is inside my head.

[Uncle gasps] There is no room to grow inside there.

Jade

Tohru's head is going to go Scanner?

You bought this from my competition?!

Jade

[playing with the Monkey King puppet, and the eyebrow breaks off] Hey, it broke!

Because it is junk! Kai Ching steals my business by selling cheap trinkets!

Jackie

But Kai Ching said it was one of a kind. [Uncle cuffs him twice] Ow! Ow!

And that is TWO of a kind to teach you that bringing my competitors goods into my shop invites bad Chi! One more thing. Do you see any Monkey Kings in here? No? That is because the Monkey King is known for his love of mischief! [looks at the puppet] And he is creepy looking!

Jackie

Uncle, please. It is only a puppet, and Jade's talent show is tomorrow.

You will be sorry.

We are dealing with a very sick mind.

Jade

Uncle, you have to do something!

I am not Geppetto. I do not bring puppets to life.

Jade

[getting an idea] You're a genius!

Jade

The Rat Talisman brings motion to the motionless. [places the Rat Talisman on the Jackie Puppet] This oughta get Jackie back on his feet.

Jade

Well, it's a start.

What? What is it?

[rushes forward] Nothing! Do not look in mirror!

[sees reflection] Bwah!

I told you not to look in mirror! He never listens.