Uncle quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Jackie, guard the door in case it returns!

Jackie

"It"?

Hidden inside of an antique? Mr. Lam tried to trick us into taking it!

Jackie

What is "it"?

A Jiang Shi Vampire!

Jade

Told ya.

Jackie

... Did the little monster put you up to this?

Chinese vampire drain Chi. Life energy from the prey making the vampire stronger, and turning the victims into servants. Without any Chi, Tohru will soon transform into a fiendish minion of darkness! We must perform a Chi transfusion!

Jackie

Transfusion? You want to put someone else's Chi in Tohru's body?

Jade

Tch. Where are you gonna find someone with that much extra- [Uncle grabs her] Whoa!

You have abundant youthful energy. Chi to spare. It is the only way to prevent Tohru from serving the undead!

Jackie

Thank you, Tohru.

[with Jade's Chi] I just slam-dunked a Chi Sucker! I rule! [begins to dance] Go Tohru! Go Tohru! I'm the bomb!

Hmmm. It appears the Chi transfusion was successful.

Jade

[dancing] Go Jade! Go Jade! Lotta Chi Girl! Saving Tohru!

[coming upon a large idol of three stone monkeys] There!

Jade

Whoa! Mt. Chimpmore.

The great idol of the Three Wise Monkeys. Legend tells that it is filled with Dark Chi.

Jackie

The idol is evil?

No. Three Wise Monkeys are guardians. Good wizards sealed the Dark Chi within them looking ago, so that humanity may neither see, hear, nor speak of such evil. [shudders] Oh.

What is it, sensei?

The willies!

Daolon Wong

[suddenly appearing] No doubt the forces of light have summoned you here, since I possess the only existing map.

Jackie

Daolon Wong!

Jade

The anti-Uncle!

Jade

DAOLON IS GONE!

As is the idol!

Jade

MOUNT CHIMPMORE IS GONE TOO!

That is what I just said!

Jade

DAOLON IS GONE AND HE TOOK MT. CHIMPMORE WITH HIM!

Aiya! Stop shouting Jade! I am old, not deaf! [Jackie gets Uncles attention, but still cannot speak] Speak up Jackie! I cannot hear you!

[fumbling around with his hands] How can you see through this cloud of Dark Chi?

There is no Dark Chi cloud!

Then why can I not see you?

Jade

UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF JACKIE'S MOUTH!

[realizing] Because Jackie is mute.

Jade

UNCLE! NO SOUND IS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Jade is deaf!

[fumbling with Uncle's face] Sensei?

[muffled] And Tohru is blind!

[wandering around] We are like the three Wise Monkeys!

Jade

WHAT? SPEAK UP TOHRU!

[walking away] I said "We are like the-"

Jade

YO! TOHRU! OVER HERE! I DON'T THINK T CAN SEE!

Why were you not affected, Sensei?

As a student of Master Fong, I am protected by an abundance of Good Chi.

Jade

IF I'M DEAF, AND TOHRU IS BLIND, THAT MEANS UNCLE MUST BE MUTE! [Jackie tries to tell her that he's mute] JACKIE, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DUH!

Jackie

[nervously pacing] Oh, broken statue...

Jade

Sorry!

Jackie

Broken statue!

Jade

Sorry!

Jackie

Broken statue!

Jade

Sorry!

Jasmine tea to calm the nerves...

Jackie

Yes, I can see my future in the tea leaves. The museum contacts the university, my career winds up like that statue; ruined! [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Your career not important! Now we will never read the inscriptions. Knowledge has been lost forever! ... Must call my insurance agent, see if I'm covered for this.

Jackie! You must not let Daolon Wong have the Talismans!

Jackie

... Okay. No one will have them.

Jade

Jackie... you blew them up!

Jackie

[sigh] It is finally over... [is cuffed by Uncle] Ow!

Not over. It is just beginning.

Jackie

It is???

Talismans can be destroyed, but the powers they contain cannot. The magic has been set free, scattered to the winds, which means Daolon Wong will try to find them.

Jade

You mean Jackie just started the Talisman Hunt all over again? Cool!

Jackie

Bu- But where did the magic go?

With no vessels to contain them, the powers will return to their owners; the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac.

Jade

Hello? The Chinese Zodiac is way ancient. Those animals are history!

As such, the Talisman magic will be drawn to noble animals, those most worthy of their regal ancestors; twelve living creatures, each about to receive an extraordinary gift.

Jackie

WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Quickly! You must take the dog where Daolon's magic cannot reach!

Jackie

[looking at all the dogs around him] But which dog, Uncle?

Were you not listening?! The most noble one!

Jade

Are we there yet?

Jackie

Patience Jade. We will not know where "there" is, until Uncle's locator spell leads us to the animal we seek.

[sitting in the back of the car, producing a Chi spell] The tiger who has inherited the Talisman power of Yin and Yang.

Jade

Well make it hurry, because it reeks something fierce in here!

Jackie

Are you sure the spell is accurate, Uncle? Nevada is not exactly known as tiger country.

Never mock the sock. It is our only chance of finding the tiger before the forces of darkness do.

Jade

Well betcha Daolon Wong doesn't have to spend all day cooped up in a smelly car.

Room service? I have been waiting for-

Uncle, thank goodness you're-

Jackie! How can you leave Uncle at a shabby hotel with no eel saliva?!

Pull your tongue out of your mouth and wring out the spit!

[gasp] You call Uncle an eel?!

Uncle, I'm sorry!

No I'm not.

Yes I am.

No I'm not.

Yes I am.

Jackie, why do you babble like a crazy person?!

Because I have two heads!

Jackie

[on phone] Uncle? Now is not a good time!

What is more important than talking to Uncle?

Jackie

I am in a speeding mining cart fleeing a reanimated Mayan statue trying to seize Jade so he can fly her into the sun!

Why did you not say so? It seems you have found the rat.

Daolon Wong

You are in my soup!

Our locator spells have intersected.

Daolon Wong

I will seize control of the chi waves, novice. My power is far greater...

Eeee-Ya! [Casts a Chi spell which results in a repetitive feedback image]

One more thing.[blows raspberry] One more thing. [blows raspberry] One more thing...

Jackie

Monkey Talisman and Monkey King?

Jade

Coinkidink?

Forget Monkey King. We must catch Monkey Magic before Daolon Wong does.