Uncle quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

[lowering the Shapeshifting Monkey into the Kilauea volcano] Uh oh, my simian senses are tingling!

Jade

We want our monkey, monkey!

Oh, it's all about him isn't it?! You think he's funnier than me, don't you?!

Jackie

Uh, of course not! Everyone knows that the Money King is the funniest ape of all.

I do not think he's so funny- [elbowed by Jade]

Well you'll really love my weird sense of humor when you and monkey-boy are swimming in lava, 'cause I'm gonna make Kilauea blow sky-high!

The Monkey King cannot activate volcanoes!

Just watch me, gramps! I know a family recipe! [begins tossing ingredients into the lava pit] Magic monkey syrup, pure cane sugar, one carton of aged goat milk- EEGH! [Daolon Wong appears behind the Monkey King] An untuned Hawaiian guitar, a fine tuned tuning fork, a tuna on rye, hold the mayo-

Daolon Wong

[grabs the Monkey King] Talisman power, be mine!

Paws off the fur, Shakespeare! I'm busy here!

Jade

Whoa. Now I see why they call this place bizarre.

Jackie

Jade, it is a bazaar.

Jade

Anywhere grown men playing with baby toys is bizarre in my book.

Uncle is not playing. This rattle's filled with enchanted teeth of mongoose which will lead us to the snake which possesses the power of invisibility.

Do not even breathe. Cobras are very poisonous.

Jackie

[frozen in fear] I know...

Tohru, you did not tell Uncle you invited Spider-Woman! [Jackie, succumbing to the snake venom, groggily falls into Uncle's arms] See? Even Jackie moans with displeasure at her arrival.

Jade

Uh, Jackie? Are you alright? Jackie? [holds up fingers] How many fingers do you see?

Jackie

Uhhh... what's a Jackie?

[gasp] Jackie has been bitten by snake!

These strange men, they appeared out of thin air!

Jade

They used to be men, now they're card-carrying members of the Forces of Darkness.

Stop them Tohru! [Tohru growls, ready to fight, only to be held back by his mother]

My baby will NOT fight Forces of Darkness!

Jade

Uh, maybe we should get Jackie to a doctor.

We must find snake before Dark Forces do, then Uncle will cure Jackie.

Ah, do not worry, I once television program about cobra poisoning. Jackie only at stage one: very slight dryness of mouth.

[finding Jackie and Jade's unconscious bodies] Jackie! No sleeping! [cuffs Jackie to no response] No "Ow"?

Uncle! We're right here!

Hello? He can't see or hear you!

Then how will he know where we are?

[gasp] Daolon Wong now possesses the power of Astral Projection which he has inflicted upon Jackie and Jade and then applied a finishing spell so that they cannot return to their bodies!

... And you doubted him.

Jade

[in possession of Jackie's body] Uncle you rock! Now let's find Daolon Wong and kick some shriveled- Aah! [noticing her body] Why are there two of me?

Jackie

[in possession of Jade's body] Why is your voice coming out of my body?!

I told you Spell complicated...

Jackie

[in possession of Jade's body] There is only one way inside. [coming to a dead end, he tries to wall-jump up to a window, but his short stature holds him back] Eh, I forgot who I wasn't...

Jade

[in possession of Jackie's body] Trying to do this, Jackie? [wall jumps up to the window with ease] Cool, huh?

Jade is better at being you than you, Jackie.

Jade

Give me a Di!

Di!

Jade

Give me a Zao!

Zao!

Jade

Put that together, and what do you have?

[dancing] Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao! Yu mo gui gwai fai di zao!

Go Jackalopes!

Thank you! Merry Christmas! Bye bye! [chuckles]

Jade

Are you sure Uncle isn't running a fever?

Jackie

Jade, Uncle loves Christmas. It is when sales are best. [Uncle cuffs him] Ow!

Commercialism not important! Christmas spirit is. [puts Santa Hat on Jackie's head]

[walks in with a tray of cookies] Aah, Mother's recipe.

[obviously lying] Yes. And.. we will be so... happy to see her for the holidays, Tohru.

Jade

Weird.

We must leave some out for you know who.

Jackie

Who? [Tohru grows worried when they see Jade standing behind them] Oh! I mean uh, I am sure Santa will be very hungry tonight. [Tohru chuckles]

Jade

Tch. Nice try. But I'm old enough to know the low down on the Kris Kringle scam.

Jade, you do not believe in Santa Claus?

Jade

Sure I do. Just like I believe the Tooth Fairy, right Jackie?

Jade

Gotcha!

Jackie

I told you the Tooth Fairy was sick and I was filling in.

Tooth fairy does not exist.

Jade

Ha! See?

But Santa Claus does.

Jade

Huh?

I have research to prove it.

We must bring the ox to the sanctuary of the Ben-Shui Temple before the forces of Dark Chi descend upon us.

[suddenly appear] Consider yourselves descended upon, Gramps.

[as they corner all but Jade against a cliff] You know how much we care about you guys, but Daolon Wong been riding us to get rid of you once and for all.

We're sure gonna miss you.

Say "goodbye", Chan.

Jackie

Uhhh... Goodbye Chan?

Jackie

[finding Tohru stretching in a temple] Tohru!

[relieved] He is safe.

Jade

What's he doing?

It would seem my apprentice seeks inner peace, so I will give him piece... OF UNCLE for making us worry ourselves sick!

Jade, pay attention.

Jackie

Uh, I am multi-tasking.

[Uncle takes away his notepad] Now you are one-tasking!

Jade

[to Jackie and Tohru] So you think Uncle's old friend calls him "Uncle" too?

[to Uncle] Chuckles, is that you?

[to each other] Huh?? Chuckles??

Beetlebrow!

So, you remember your nickname

Ha ha ha! Who can forget those fuzzy caterpillars living over your eyes?

And your never-ending pranks and gift of laughter.

Jade

[turning to Jackie} Is he talking

So, you have come to

And to introduce my family to you. My nephew Jackie...

Ah, yes. Butterfingers.

Jackie

Uh, hello. I have heard so much about you. I am sorry I have to run. I am mounting an exhibit at the pacific Asia museum. Uh... Bye-bye. [he rushes off]

Please excuse his manners. And this is my apprentice Tohru.

[playing handheld video game which pings] Hehe. [clears thoat] This alarm tells me I must tend to the shop now. A pleasure meeting you. [waves goodbye before rushing off]

And last, but not least, my great-niece Jade.