Jackie quotes from Jackie Chan Adventures

Captain Black

Valmont and his pals have been spotted downtown. You in, Jackie?

Jade

We're there!

Jackie

Is your name Jackie? [Jade frowns] Captain Black, I thought all Dark Hand matters had been reassigned to Section 12!

Captain Black

That may be so, but I'm not going to sit pretty while the Dark Hand strolls into my backyard and hands a hall pass to a hobgoblin!

Captain Black

Don't worry. All you have to do is fix your way into Valmont's gang, and get ahold of that Pan Ku Box before they open the portal with it.

Jackie

Oh, is that all?

Jackie

[as Chance Jackson; calling Section 13] Uhhh...chinchilla. [pause] What's a chinchilla?! [beat] That's the password! Just get me Captain Black! [pause] What do you mean he can't be disturbed?!

Captain Black

[for one blot] Demon. [another blot is shown] I see a demon.

And this one? [shows another blot]

Captain Black

Socks. Worn by a really big demon.

Jackie

[on phone as Chance] Uncle? It is me...your nephew...

What? It does not sound like you! [pause] What do you mean you are in prison?! You are a BAD influence on Jade! Good thing it is not really you. [hangs up]

Jackie

Hollywood? I'm on my way, Captain Black.

Jade

[surprises Jackie] Jackie, can I come with? Please???

Jackie

Jade, the Dark Hand is there, no doubt searching for a demon portal.

Jade

But Jackie, Raphaelo DiCapizio is getting his footprints in cement at the Chinese Theater this weekend!

Jackie

Who-phealo DeCa-who-zio?

Jade

Tch. Hello? Raphaelo DiCapizio is only the greatest movie star in the history of... history!

Ah, I guess you have never heard of John Wayne!

Aah, the Duke. "Saddle up, Pilgrim!"

Cut! Who are you?!

Jackie

This is a movie set?

Jade

Awesome! Are you gonna put Jackie in your movie?

Oh sure! AFTER I HAVE HIM ARRESTED!

Nigel, Nigel! Calm down! [shaking Jade's hand] Larry Franklin, producer of "Ninjas in the Hood"! [to Jackie] That was quite a display te way you [impersonating Jackie's fighting] Bam! And Bam, Bam, BAM! You have an agent?

Jackie

Uhhh...

Jade

That would be moi.

Bam bam! This town's getting younger everyday!

Jade

Look, Lar! Jackie Chan here is going to be the next big action superstar, and you have the opportunity to get in on the ground floor!

Jackie

Jaaade...

Jade

Right, Jackie. Did I mention that he does all his own stunts?

Pass?

Jackie

Yes, I would like to!

Jackie

[his cell phone rings] Hello? Jade! Where are you?

Jade

Duh...Chinese Theater? But so is the Thunder Demon, and he's packing serious voltage!

Jackie

How do you do that-? Never mind! Jade, do nothing until I get there! [hangs up]

Jade never does nothing!

Jackie

I know, but I feel I have to say it.

Jade

Hey Jackie, how was your trip, have you lost weight, can I get a tattoo?

Jackie

[chuckling] My trip was- A TATTOO?!

Jade

Please Jackie? All the kids at school are-

Jackie

No.

Jade

But-

Jackie

No!

Jade

But-

Jackie

No.

Jade

But-

Jackie

No tattoos for Jade. Period!

Jackie

Jade?

Jade

Huh?

Jackie

Why are you wearing snow boots?

Jade

Heard it might snow?

Jackie

Oh, it's 72 degrees out. [begins to remove one boot]

Jade

AVALANCHE! [Jackie looks behind him, she places her now exposed foot in her backpack as he looks back at her] Heh, false alarm.

Jackie

[turns her foot to reveal the tattoo she made] Jade, wash this off, right now!

Jade

Err...tried that.

Jackie

What? It's a real tattoo?!

Jade

By accident!

[walks in] How can you get a tattoo by acci-[sees the symbol on her foot and gasps in horror]

Jade

See Jackie? Total control. They do what I tell them, and I only tell them to do good. So can I keep 'em?

Jackie

No, Jade!

Jade

Aw...why not?

Jackie

Because you're turning blue!

Jade

Blue's my favorite color. Besides, we gave Tohru a chance!

Jackie

Tohru is human! Now, I want you to make them go away, until Uncle can find a-

Huh-cha! I have found a potion that will make Jade's tattoo vanish!

Jade

But I like my tattoo! You can't do this to me!

Jackie

It's for your own safety, Jade.

Now sit still, while I apply the potion. [leans to apply the potion, only to have the tattoo violently react]

Jade

Do not touch me! I am, and shall remain, Queen of the Shadowkhan!

Captain Black

Valmont and his cronies have been spotted in Florida, near Cape Canaveral.

Jackie

I'm on my way.

Jade

[suddenly appears] Hey! Going on a mission, Jackie?

Jackie

Uh, no! It's not a mission, it's uh, a conference on Feng Shui!

Captain Black

In Minnesota!

Jackie

Want to come?

Jade

Umm, I would Jackie, but you know I have that new science project to cook up.

Jade

[surprises Jackie] Hi Jackie!

Jackie

Jade!

Jade

[her space suit is draping over her] Check out the monkey-suit. Literally.

Jackie

But, how did you-

Jade

[holds up the Rabbit Talisman] Speed Talisman. Fastest way to get to...Minnesota?

Jackie

[after banishing Tso Lan] So long, Tso Lan.

Jade

[jumping along the Moon's surface] My science project is gonna rock! [does the moon dance]

Jackie! [Jackie jumps in surprise, dropping the armor he's carrying] You are too loud!

Jackie

Uncle, you are the one who's yelling!

[gasp] You dishonor the only known existing relic of the Eight Immortals!

Jackie

Ye-eh-You caused me to drop it!

[gasp] You dishonor your Uncle!

Jade

[very sleepy] Hey Jackie...

Jackie

Jade, what are you doing up?

Jade

"Old Yeller" is keeping us all up. He hasn't slept in days!

Tohru! Where is my tea?!

[sleeping standing up and holding tea] Er, what? [falls asleep again, pouring tea on the floor]

Aiya!

Jackie

Uncle, why won't you sleep?

Because, I have demons on the brain! I lay down, and all I hear is "Chi spell! Chi spell! Chi spell!"

Jackie

Have you tried counting sheep?

Demons always eat them.

Jackie

Well...thank you for watching Jade. [proceeds to leave]

Where are you going?! We must study the Immortal's Armor and discover what magic it holds!

Jackie

Now? It is 3 AM Uncle. You should really try to sleep. [cell phone rings]

How can I sleep with all this noise?!

Jackie

[answers phone] Yes?

Captain Black

Jackie, we've spotted the Dark Hand.

Jackie

I'm on my way!

Captain Black

Care to know where you're going?

Jackie

I don't care. Anywhere but here.

Captain Black

Okay...

Jackie

....[hangs up phone] Uncle, I'm off to Spain! I will call you for the Chi spell, once I find out what Demon we're dealing with. [begins to leave fast]

Take the armor, it could be of some use!

Jackie

But you have to discover what magic it holds!

How can I do that if you take it with you?!