TV show quotes
[Ted's wooing of Stella backfires when he discovers that Abby, her receptionist, likes him]
[at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.
I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.
Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.
There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.
Of course there are.
Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.
You can not be more evil.
Sorry five. Recently widowed.
Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.
Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?
Uhhh, it's delicious enough.
Shotgun for eternity!
You can't call shotgun for eternity.
I just called it.
You can't just call things!
I call that I can call things!
How did you two meet?
I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.
"Starred in it" is more like it!
Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.
I was in the other one.
There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]
[Robin tearfully laments Simon breaking up with her for Louise Marsh...again]
I wanted to be sixteen again.
Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.
Right, first being you.
No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?
[Robin and Barney just had sex]
Okay, here's the deal, Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.
Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-click, save as, into the b-peg folder and okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.
Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.
Okay.
[whispering] Okay.
All right... So Robin?
Yes Barney?
Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?
[Ted is furious with Barney over sleeping with Robin and comes to a decision]
You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."
What do you mean?
All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.
Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
[after Ted punches him in the groin] Okay. I deserved that. I deserved that. But what's important now is we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?
You think that this is just about Robin? This is about ... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?
Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted, seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...
I am not going to Vegas with you. I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend and spend my thirtieth birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would ... You know, Barney, earlier this week I started putting things in a box. And that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."
What does that mean?
It means maybe you belong in that box.
Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?
I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
[Ted and Stella agree to have sex, but both are nervous]
How long's it been for you?
It's been a while.
Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!
It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]
[at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!
Now remember my three beginner's tips for picking up chicks: address her by name, isolate her from her friends, subtly put her down.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yes!
You're thinking about having sex with Ted?
[Ted and Marshall are at the apartment of the gay couple who bought Lily's painting just for the frame]
Since you're a clearly man of impeccable taste and style, I want to ask you: what do you think of the boots? [shows red cowboy boots]
Walter. [Walter goes out of bedroom] Boots.
[looks down at boots] Pulling. Them. Off!
[to Marshall, smiling] I'll be in the cab.
So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.
Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.
Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.
He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
