LHLance Hardwood
[taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
That really looks like our apartment.
BBarney
It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]
S3 E6I'm Not That Guy
WWoman
Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
MTMarshall, Ted, Robin and Lily
OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]
S3 E7Dowisetrepla
Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.
I don't think now is the right time to buy.
But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
[enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
LPLily, Persephone, & Daphne
Merci, Papa!
S3 E8Spoiler Alert
[looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Sugar helps me study.
This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
[Sarcastically] Oh, and your mom was perfect.
So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -
[flashback to restaurant]
I'll be back in one second.
KKathy
One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.
Or maybe...
[flashback to restaurant]
I'll be back in a second.
KKathy
So I volunteered at the pound.
Oh isn't that nice!
KKathy
You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]
Or...
[flashback to restaurant]
I'll be back in one second.
KKathy
I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
[Barney spits out his water]
S3 E9Slapsgiving
How many days are there in October?
Ah, thirty?
Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to last year]
[as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]
[in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.
Damn it!
Hey, check it out. We're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!
Barney, put it away.
How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
CComputer
The slap will occur in ten-
Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!
Barney, put it away!
I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-
[to Marshall] You can slap him.
What?? Wait, you-
CComputer
Two, one.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
That's three!
S3 E10The Yips
I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
What do you do?
I invest.
TTrish
All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!
All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
TTrish
A hundred.
Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.
TTrish
[sniffing] Do you smell that?
No.
TTrish
Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
No.
TTrish
Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!
S3 E11The Platinum Rule
We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.
That's the couple's version of dating.
And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.
[Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?
S3 E12No Tomorrow
Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
How do you know she's from a different area code?
She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.
The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-pocalypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.
S3 E13Ten Sessions
Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.
Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...
Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.
Well, I think I you'll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.
Oh, Plan 9 from Outer Space?
No...the Worst Movie, Manos Hands of Fate.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.