TV show quotes
So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.
Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.
How long is this list?
I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.
It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.
Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.
We should come up with a whole new last name.
Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?
Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Where do you see yourself?
Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Argentina?
Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
[pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]
Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
You weren't trying to win the breakup?
I was trying to survive it.
[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]
Go for Barney.
Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.
What is it?
A new website. Slapcountdown.com
[Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!
Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
What are we talking of? Baseball?
It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.
Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-
[everyone cheers]
AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.
What? We agreed! I suited up!
You take too long to get ready.
What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
And then he starts on his hair. Ace!
Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume they're saving my life.
Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
[Muttering] Already did this morning.
What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
But she's afraid of commitment.
But she's a gun nut.
But she's... Canadian.
But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
I can't think of anything.
You're supposed to pour the milk first!
No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
It tastes better milk first!
It tastes the same!
Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Milk first it is.
You guys dated? For how long?
A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.
[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?
Don't do it, man, think about Lily.
You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!
[to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...
[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]
Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Terrific.
[loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
