Lily Aldrin quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Lily

Why would you move to Chicago?

Ted

Because it's the perfect town for me. I-it's like a Clevelandy New York and don't act like you haven't noticed. My hair excels in the wind. Besides, you're moving to Rome.

Lily

Yeah for a year and when we get back, we need you to be here waiting for us, hopefully in this house with your future bride.

Ted

What future bride?

Lily

The girl. She's out there walking around New York City right now, probably in a pair of really cute boots that she's gonna let me borrow whenever I want because we're the same size. She's out there, Ted.

Ted

Is she, really? Because I've looked. I've looked high and low for someone I can love and adore and cook waffles for. The closest I've come is Marshall.

Lily

He does love your waffles.

Ted

It's the cinnamon. I add cinnamon. She's not in New York. Maybe in Chicago.

The Mother

Hey, are you okay? You look stressed. Plus, you muttered a few words out loud. I heard "lonely" and "unicorn", which actually gave me a great idea for a children's book, so... thank you. Are you okay?

Lily

No, but there's nothing you can do.

The Mother

Do you wanna cookie? [Offers a container of cookies]

Lily

Yes... yes I do! [Grabs a cookie]

The Mother

Whoa! You just took a cookie from a complete stranger on a train. I like how trusting you are. There could be drugs or poison in there.

Lily

But there's not, is there?

The Mother

No idea, I found them under my seat.

The Mother

No! Kidding! Sorry! You looked stressed so I thought you could use a cookie and then I thought you could use a joke, I should have stopped at the cookie.

Lily

You know what? I don't care if these are poisoned. There's chocolate and peanut butter and caramel in these sumbitches.

The Mother

I call them sumbitches! [smiles and laughs along with Lily]

...And that's how Lily met your mother.

Lily

It's been a tough weekend for him.

Ted

Bro!

Lily

We're here for a wedding.

Ouch.

Lily

He used to date the bride.

Oh mama.

Lily

And he's the best man.

Devastating.

Lily

Ted..

Ted

Yeah?

Lily

You wrote down all of these things to say goodbye to, but so many of these are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a No instead of a Yes, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache. Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time, but don't go have one last Scotch with Barney, have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life, because that's a good thing and the good things will always be here waiting for you. [sees Ted smile] What?

Ted

Turn the page.

Lily

[flips paper; reads] "Get one last life lecture from Lily." You're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.

Lily

Prove to me you can make a female friend. What about her? [points to woman]

Robin

Ugh the girl with the bangs? Any chick who does that to her hair is going through a big life transition I don't want to hear about. Next time grow your bangs long enough to cover your mouth. I'll pass.

Lily

Ok. Well, what about her?

Robin

Ugh, comfortable shoes? What are you filibustering later? It's after five, put on some heels. I'll pass.

So you're saying you didn't order room service and you didn't order Prison Sluts 9?

Lily

I'm saying I did not order room service.

Lily

You want to tell me what's going on?

Marshall

Yes, I was offered a judgeship in New York and I took it even though we agreed to move to Rome. I'm gonna be a judge. [pause] Lily?

Lily

You know Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts and I'm not sure anyone died in our room... but someone's going to.

Lily

Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby! Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? Sometimes, being him is a real trial - [grunts] trial [breaks glass]. Huh, did it to myself that time. Ted [takes brochure] it's time to settle. Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse, fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff! God, I'm so sick of being smarter than everyone else! [walks off to encounter Linus who holds fresh glass] You're slipping, Linus.

We're running out of glasses.

Lily

No Pause, that hobby is my dream. We're going to Italy.

Marshall

But it's my dream-

Lily

We are going to Italy!!

Marshall

Baby, could you just-

Lily

We are going to Italy!! Don't you get it? You went behind my back. You hurt me!! You were more selfish than I've ever been to you!

Marshall

[edgier voice] You broke up with me and moved to San Francisco.

Lily

Why are you bringing up San Francisco? That was seven years ago!

Marshall

Because you are being selfish all over again.

Lily

Marshall, I apologized over and over again. Now you're saying you've never forgiven me? There is nothing more important to me than our family, you know that!

Marshall

Well let me ask, what if you had found success in San Francisco? How do I know that you even would've come back to me?

Lily

Stop it..

Marshall

Are Marvin, and I, and any other future children we may have.... just some consolation prize?

Lily

[teary-eyed] I have to get out of here. [storms out of room]

Lily

My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?

Yes, Mom! [shushes]

Marshall

Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls - from binge studying. [to Lily] Saved it.

Lily

That reminds me mister, no underage drinking. No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.

But every story from your 20s starts in a bar.

Marshall

[stern] Listen to your mother.

Robin

Did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?

Lily

Oh oh, is this your wedding day? I'm sorry! Couldn't tell, because you're acting like its any other Sunday morning, and it's not!

Robin

Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride, you just give up, that's not me.

Lily

Fine, maybe we should just act like this wedding's no big deal, and you know what? I don't feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.

Robin

Great, it's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?

Ted

[shows Barney another suit in a different room] SAY YES TO THIS SUIT!!!

Barney

[crying] I can't. I can't! [Ted throws suit on to the floor]

Marshall

Lily... you're gonna have a baby?

Lily

[pause, teary-eyed] I told you guys I could keep a secret. [embraces Marshall]

Robin

Uh Barney, this is my mom.

Barney

Hi!

Hello - [shakes Barney's hand but startled at embrace] Oh! He's a hugger. Nothing like your dad.

Lily

[to Marshall] I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight -

Marshall

No, oh my God no that's fine. There’s so much we have to do. We have to do research on, uh, hospitals in Italy. We have to -

Lily

We’re not going to Italy.

Marshall

Of course we are. Lily, we have to do this. You’re going to live in Rome. And you’re going to get your dream, 'cause you’re giving me mine — again.

Lily

But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork - and if she's born outside of the US, she could never become President!

Marshall

[startled] It's a girl?

Lily

Oh I don't know, but in my mind, I kinda think she is!

Marshall

I love you so much. [embraces Lily]

Ted

You don't take a man's accidental curly!

Marshall

You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly!

Lily

If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place? [scoffed at by the guys]

Ted

Yeah, that's what you want? All curly fries?

Marshall

Regular cut, with a few accidental curlies, that's what you want!

Barney

That's the dream!

Ted

He is right. That is the dream.

Marshall

I vow to keep at least 80% of these vows.

Lily

That seems high.

Marshall

And I vow to keep them updated as we go, because one set of vows can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you, of raising children with you. Falling more and more in love with you every day, Lily Aldrin, which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life.

Lily

[tears] Crap, I already broke my crying vow.

Marshall

I'll forgive you. [kisses Lily]