Robin Scherbatsky quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Robin

[at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.

Ted

I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.

Barney

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

Barney

There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

Robin

Of course there are.

Barney

Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

Lily

You can not be more evil.

Barney

Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Ted

Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?

Robin

Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

Barney

Shotgun for eternity!

Robin

You can't call shotgun for eternity.

Barney

I just called it.

Robin

You can't just call things!

Barney

I call that I can call things!

Lily

How did you two meet?

I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.

Robin

"Starred in it" is more like it!

Barney

Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.

I was in the other one.

Barney

There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]

Robin

I wanted to be sixteen again.

Barney

Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin

Right, first being you.

Barney

No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

Robin

Okay, here's the deal, Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.

Barney

Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-click, save as, into the b-peg folder and okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.

Robin

Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.

Barney

Okay.

Robin

[whispering] Okay.

Barney

All right... So Robin?

Robin

Yes Barney?

Barney

Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

Stella

How long's it been for you?

Ted

It's been a while.

Stella

Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!

Ted

It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]

[at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

Robin

We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?

Ted

Chinese?

Robin

Oh.

Barney

I don't like Chinese.

Ted

Indian?

Barney

I just said I don't like Chinese.

Ted

Indian isn't Chinese.

Barney

Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?

Ted

Mexican?

Barney

I just said I don't like Chinese!

Robin

God.

Robin

Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?

Marshall

Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?

Robin

[holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.

Marshall

Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.

Robin

Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]

Lily

[grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!

Robin

I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.

Lily

Robin, give me the stick!

Robin

Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!

Lily

Alright, that's it!

Marshall

Go America!

Ted

Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!

Barney

Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Ted

We broke up over a year ago.

Robin

Yeah, but that's not that long ago. Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. I don't know, if I would change my mind about marriage and kids, it was nice to know that you were there.

Ted

So I was your safety school. How flattering.

Robin

That's not it. It's just that, I..

Ted

Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.

Robin

Well maybe there is! I mean, of course, there is, that kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace. I'm not just another guest here, Ted.

Ted

Great. We used to date, but we've both moved on and look, we got what we wanted. I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo, and we live happily ever-

Robin

I quit my job.

Ted

What?

Robin

I'm moving back to New York. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours.

Ted

What does that supposed to mean?

Robin

Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-

Ted

I did make it rain.

Robin

It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby.

Ted

[after long pause] I love Stella, she's the one. You really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all. [storms out]

Marshall

Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!

Ted

Well, that's her business.

Barney

Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]

Lily

Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Robin

Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?

Ted

She's going to her office.

Marshall

No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."

Ted

And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]

Marshall

Finally, finally, buddy.

Ted

I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!

Marshall

I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!

Ted

So do I!

Marshall

So Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?

Robin

[sarcastic] Oh you didn't hear? I'm a lead anchor on CNN and I've got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

Robin

Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.

Woooo!

I cry in the shower!

Woooo!

I've never been on a second date!

Woooo!

What if I never get to be a mother?!

Woooo!

I'm secretly in love with Jillian!

Ted

Woooo!

My career and love life are heading nowhere!

Robin

[Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?

Marshall

That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!

[overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?

Marshall

Yeah.

Damn! [slams fist on table as well]