Her oxygen saturation is normal.
It's off by one percentage point.
It's within range. It's normal.
If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
S2 E2Autopsy
What are we trying to hear?
Tumor.
They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.
The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. [Everyone looks at him strangely]. Does that need any more explanation? Okay, the tumor is Al-Qaeda, the big bad guy, the brain who went in wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell, a small team of low-level terrorists, quietly living in the suburb Buffalo, waiting to kill us all.
Whoa, are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?
It was an excellent metaphor. Angio her brain, before this clot straps on an explosive vest.
Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Are you high?
If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.
It's Wednesday.
S2 E3Humpty Dumpty
Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
[House is standing before Cuddy's front door with Foreman and Chase. They're about to break in. House grabs his credit card and holds it in the air]
20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
You're on.
Count me in.
[House looks under a garden ornament, finds a key and uses it to open the door. Foreman and Chase groan and hand their $20s to a smug House]
You broke into my house?!
No, that would be wrong. I had a key.
I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but based on my experience in the last ninety seconds all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.
Every slavemaster thought they were doing the black man a favour. 'Negro can't take care of themselves, so we'll put them to work. We'll give them four walls, a bed. We'll civilize the heathens.' Stop doing us favours. If you're right and we end up back in the jungle, it won't be on your head.
S2 E4TB or Not TB
SSebastian
Every minute four people die of TB.
Wow, how can you sleep at night?
SSebastian
There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over...
Yeah, I know, I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another forty dead, another forty notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?
What's the emergency?
[Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.
Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
He cures thousands of people every year, you cure what 30?
McDonalds makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?
Oh, I see, so you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save?
Yep, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.
There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
Just not as honest about it.
You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Johnny!
What are you doing?
What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
You think he's a hypocrite?
[Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everybody in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] Ha! This thing just will not flush.
SSebastian
Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
[Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.
S2 E5Daddy's Boy
We're discussing your new patient.
Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.
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