Why would you need $5,000?
Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.
Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.
S2 E5Daddy's Boy
You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.
If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
You're ... you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.
JHJohn House
Last I checked, you still have two legs.
[holds up cane] Actually, three.
JHJohn House
You know what your problem is, Greg?
Shifting gears?
JHJohn House
You just don't know how lucky you are.
S2 E6Spin
You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a.... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
This guy doesn't even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom.
Is the symptom death?
How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.
[makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
His neck?
Or repeat everything I say in question form.
[sticks the patient in the thigh] You are healed. Rise and walk.
JJeff
Are you insane?
In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and then start right on in with the praising.
JJeff
First you tell me I've got cancer. Then you tell me that my manager... [Jeff realizes he can move his arms] What did you do?
No, what did you do, Lord?
S2 E7Hunting
[Dr. House is with Stacy in her house when Mark enters the room.]
What's going on?
It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.
Have you read his file?
I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.
Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.
He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.
So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.
S2 E8The Mistake
She's overreacting.
You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.