Chris Taub quotes from House

Taub

Whatcha doing?

Rachel

groceries.

Taub

What r u wearing?

Rachel

U don't want to know.

House

Take off your shirt.

Rachel

R u nuts?

House

Touch yourself.

Taub

House! It's not funny. I got enough problems already.

House

Trust me, this is gonna help.

Thirteen

What are you thinking?

About Nick playing baseball.

Taub

Holy crap!

Chase

That's amazing.

Foreman

Yeah. Now all we have to do is read her subconscious and hope that it's completely rational and went to med school.

Chase

Does anything get you excited?

Foreman

[Looking at complaints filed against House] Damn it, they're all named Lisa Cuddy.

Taub

He's not even here and he's screwing with us. Where's the joy in that?

Foreman

...You really want to get into his head?

Taub

Yeah, but I decided against stabbing myself in the leg, or getting addicted to pain pills.

Foreman

You can, uh, skip the stabbing. [pulls out a bottle of pain pills]

Foreman

All it takes is one bad eyeball.

Thirteen

Or testicle, cow brain or my personal favorite, [looks at Chase eating] pig rectum with a side order of sphincter.

Taub

I think they call that breakfast in Australia.

Taub

So we flirt, it's fun.

Thirteen

It's dangerous. That woman would totally do you.

Taub

You think? Nothing is going to happen.

Thirteen

All I'm saying is if you want to be on a diet, you might want to stop hanging out by the dessert cart.

Taub

So the only time you're not interested in my marriage is after you blow it up?

House

You were the moron who took marital advice from Tila Tequila.

Taub

Seriously? Our patient's dying and we can't move past my sex life?

House

Seriously, you think it'd kill her if we spent 15 seconds mocking you?

Taub

[sees Thirteen put an envelope on House's desk] What's that?

Thirteen

I'm asking for some time off.

Taub

What's wrong? [Thirteen doesn't respond] Are you okay?

Thirteen

Obviously not.

Taub

And you're not worried you're being selfless to the point of self-denial?

You've never been inspired by someone?

Taub

So what do you guys think of Dr. Cheng?

Chase

Best treatment for a vascular malformation is surgery. And I think your wife thinks you shouldn't think anything of Dr. Cheng.

Taub

[to Chase] So, what was that shrug? A "Dr.-Cheng-could-work" shrug? Or a "House-is-gonna-crush-you-for-even-considering-her" shrug? [Chase shrugs again] You suck.

Chase

House is gonna hate anyone we hire, because he doesn't want to hire [gesticulates wildly] ...anyone.

Taub

So you think I should abstain? Just give the decision back to him?

Chase

Then he'll just mock you for being a wuss. You're screwed.

House

Why aren't you guys in my office?

Foreman

Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.

House

Where's Chase?

Taub

He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

House

Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.

Ramon

Really?

House

No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.

Taub

He hasn't had hallucinations.

House

I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."

Chase

You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?

Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. Probably Schizophrenic.

Chase

Everywhere you looked, gingham and stuffed animals.

Taub

How did you get out of there?

Chase

I didn't… right away. Wasn't anything wrong with her physically.

Taub

One down, two members of the threesome to go. You should flip a condom to choose.

Taub

You bugged the room?

House

I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.