Chris Taub quotes from House

Taub

Am I a horrible person? I used to win awards for volunteer work. I went to Guatemala and fixed cleft palates. Now we're sitting back letting Chase do our dirty work.

Foreman

We're doing the right thing. Stay out of it.

Taub

I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore. Then this thing with the kid, Rachel's brother...

Foreman

Stay out of that too. A: radiologists — experts, unlike you — said no bleed. B: you yourself said it's probably not. C: you've got no doctor-patient relationship. D: you'll lose your consulting job. E: your ex will kill you. F: I'm running out of alphabet here.

What about a tutor?

Taub

I don't need a tutor.

House

Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.

Taub

Foreman.

House

Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.

Taub

I'm totally fine. I aced my first pathology boards.

Foreman

Medicine's come a long way in the last hundred years.

Foreman

You're nothing but excuses and distractions.

Taub

Well, it's a nice match with your condescension and superiority.

Foreman

Are you wearing my tie?

Taub

Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.

Foreman

Why were you in my closet?

Taub

Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?

House

Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.

Foreman

What is it with you and this kid?

Taub

He's doggy-paddling in a sea of misery.

Foreman

How far did you have to reach back for that memory? Last night? Sometimes I hear you in the living room watching TV at 3:00 a.m.

Taub

That's when classic Doctor Who comes on the BBC.

Foreman

Yeah, if only they had some device that allowed you to record them and watch them another time.

Taub

It's interesting.

No, it's not. It's mundane and simple. He's obviously a very blessed specimen, so from an evolutionary point of view, he'd produce healthy offspring, so my prefrontal cortex is telling me I should have sex with him.

Taub

Oh. Is that all?

Yes. My rational brain knows he's a hillbilly and an idiot.

Taub

And yet somehow your rational brain is losing the argument, which is interesting.

Taub

[House's helicopter hits him in the head] Ow! What the hell?

House

Negative reinforcement.

Taub

You're mad.

Foreman

No. Actually, I'm impressed. Messing around on a 22-year-old hottie with your wife on my sofa. You're a full-throttle head case.

Taub

I was doing you a solid with the sofa. Rachel wanted to do it in your bed. You've got the memory foam top.

Foreman

Let's make this really simple: If I own it, I don't want you doing it on it.

Taub

You might want to get rid of your kitchen table. Look, I'm sorry.. [slightly laughing] but it was worth it.

Taub

Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.

House

Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.

Thirteen

Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.

House

It's like there's two of me.

Foreman

As the new Dean of Medicine, I'd like to personally welcome our new employees, and ask why the Hell did you want to come back?

Dr. Robert Chase

Tired of surfing.

Foreman

He hasn't changed.

Chase

And neither has the job, right? We still get to do crazy crap.

Dr. Chris Taub

Save people's lives instead of just their noses.

Chase

He's not in prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.

House

Which is why Arceus created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.

Taub

Arceus?

House

[takes a sip of tea] Look it up.

Taub

Impressive.

House

The wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me?

Taub

The fact that you managed to smear jelly on almost every page.

Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him?

House

Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want Daddy dead, they're still too young to do anything about it.

Taub

Must be such a pleasure to live in your head.

House

You're right. Kids might be precocious.

Taub

If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, punch me in the junk right now.

House

I would, if it weren't redundant.