Dr. Lisa Cuddy quotes from House

House

Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?

Cuddy

I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory.

House

You're wrong. I don't even listen to you.

Cuddy

Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play.

House

You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now Rational Man needs to go save a life.

House

[to Cuddy] I think my penis stopped breathing. Do you know CPR?

Cuddy

Looks like your brain is okay. Pupils are equal, round and reactive.

House

I'm fine... other than the fact that my nurples are now purple. [Glares at Foreman then says to Thirteen] No wonder you broke up with him. I'm surprised yours are still attached. By the way, I can see that from here.

House

People don't get personal with you, except for me. And you dismiss me for a jerk who's jerking you around. But that guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.

Cuddy

So that was your way of saying I look good today?

House

You don't get the slightest kick out of that?

Cuddy

Don't be ridiculous House.

Cuddy

You have a patient waiting, see?

House

I'm waiting for a follow-up.

Cuddy

If you're talking about Mr. Kasden, he has a 'deceased' sticker on his file, as do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today.

Cuddy

[Mockingly] So, you think this cat story is nonsense, and you admit she faked her earlier symptoms, but you still think she's actually sick now?

House

Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.

Cuddy

Confirm she's faking, or I'm going to have to kick her out.

House

There's that voice again.

Cuddy

I'll give you 24 hours.

House

Consecutive?

Cuddy

I'm sorry for your loss.

House

Thanks. It's not my loss.

Cuddy

Then I'm sorry you don't think it is.

House

You can go suckle on the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself.

Cuddy

Screw you... [walks out]

House

[detoxing] Can you stop.. the breathing?

Cuddy

Air goes in, air goes out.

Cuddy

This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image, I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me, no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House, I am angry.

House

I was wondering if we should move in together.

Cuddy

[laughs] You're fired.

Cuddy

Thirteen called.

House

She have a theory that makes more sense than abdominal epilepsy?

Cuddy

She said someone hacked into her email account and cancelled an airline reservation. I'm guessing Foreman.

House

Really? You're accusing Foreman, not me? Cool.

Cuddy

I need to know what your plans are.

House

First we take Berlin and then we circle around behind Poland and yell "surprise!".

Cuddy

I sent this in to the State Licensing Board. I've signed off on all your hours.

House

Why?

Cuddy

Because it's easier this way.

House

You're uncomfortable with me.

Cuddy

No. Going by the book is pointless. You're gonna learn nothing.

House

Good. I thought it was because of the sexual tension.

Cuddy

There was no sexual tension.

House

There was tension. And it made me feel funny, so...

Cuddy

Here. [hands him the letter]

House

It's too bad. I was kinda getting into the whole hot for teacher thing.

Cuddy

Are you sure you're okay?

House

Yeah. False alarm... what about us?

Cuddy

We're good, just like this. You press my buttons, I press yours.

House

By buttons you mean... [epiphany] huh... [on his way out] You do make me feel funny.

Cuddy

Tell me what you came here for, House.

House

I've got a legitimate medical reason.

Cuddy

You must be so proud.

House

[Sees Cuddy's breasts in a low-cut top] I've forgotten it. I guess it's no big deal since I was only using it as an excuse to come check out Patty and Selma.

Cuddy

I feel bad. I haven't named your testicles.

House

Word on the street is you set a new personal best for low-cut.

Cuddy

I don't know why you chose to give them names of somebody's aunts.

House

It's a compliment. They're always smoking.

House

This envelope is oddly medical-license-shaped.

Cuddy

Congratulations.

Foreman

[Chase and Cameron walk into House's office] House is back in charge. We get to treat a porn star.