Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. House

[places record in record player] A little mood music, build the suspense.

Sounds more folky.

Dr. House

You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you? Amber! Please stand.

You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?

Dr. House

You play the game better than anybody else here. [Dr. Volakis smiles.] But for the wrong reasons.

Reasons don't matter. Results are the only thing...

Dr. House

You were wrong. [beat] Twenty years ago, [points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd. Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps even a soul. If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly] You're fired.

Dr. Cuddy

Hire a woman, too.

Dr. House

Hire two women.

Dr. Cuddy

You can have the one that gives a crap about people.

Dr. House

[seriously] They both do.

Dr. Cuddy

Right. Hire Thirteen. [Dr. House nods obediently. Dr. Cuddy starts to walk off. An evil smile forms on Dr. House's face. Dr. Cuddy stops midway to the door, suddenly understanding.] This was your plan all along.

Dr. Cuddy

Well, at least the games are over.

Dr. House

How long have you known me?

Dr. House

There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function. It's what separates man from beast.

Dr. Wilson

Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.

Dr. House

You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?

Dr. Wilson

I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal, am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that part?

Dr. House

Lies are a tool - they can be used either for good or - no, wait, I've got a better one: Lies are like children: hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.

Dr. Wilson

You're so full of love... or something.

Dr. Taub

Try bondage.

Dr. House

I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House

[walking with Dr. Wilson] Where're we going?

Dr. Wilson

Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.

Dr. House

I saw something amazing: pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.

Dr. Wilson

[haltingly] That sounds... horrible.

Dr. House

It was like watching some... bizarre astronomical event that you know you're never gonna see again.

Dr. Wilson

You tell people the cold, hard truth all the time. You get off on it.

Dr. House

Because I don't care. She cared. [thoughtful] She did it anyway. She did it because she cared.

Dr. Wilson

[sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.

Dr. House

Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.

Dr. Cameron

I am not giving you cable; you're gonna have to somehow survive with broadcast networks alone.

Dr. House

I'll be fine on Tuesdays...

Dr. House

Everyone is miserable. You don't change that because people don't change.

You want to believe that because then you're freed from any responsibility for your misery.

Dr. House

Oh, shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson.

And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with any other patient.

What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis. Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break off, block blood flow. Explains everything.

Dr. House

She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots.

No.

Dr. House

You're standing up to me?

Maybe.

Dr. House

Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot...

Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli.

Dr. House

It's a perfect fit... Except it's completely impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break. Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire... [Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Dr. Kutner bows.]

Dr. Wilson

But you don't care about her.

Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone.

Wilson

[Gets up and kisses her.] Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Dr. House

Cutthroat Bitch?!

Dr. Wilson

I call her Amber.

Dr. Wilson

Was she on your list?

Dr. House

You guys know Wilson's dating Amber?

Dr. Foreman

No.

Dr. Taub

Wilson and Amber?!

I knew. [Dr. House looks shocked] I asked her out. Said she just started seeing someone.

Thirteen

Cultures were negative for UTIs, no signs of previous trauma or STDs.

Dr. House

Kidney cancer.

Thirteen

CT was clear for tumors and kidney stones.

Dr. House

I thought Amber scared you guys.

She does, but she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.

Dr. House

So do Canadians, doesn't mean that I want to date one.

Dr. House

People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."

Dr. Cuddy

So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist?

Dr. House

They're still alcoholics. If they never take a drink as long as they live, it's only because they didn't live long enough.

Dr. House

Any minute now, she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.

Dr. Wilson

She tends to treat... She tends to treat every event like it's the last copter out of Saigon.

Dr. House

She's the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.

Dr. Wilson

She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.

Dr. House

You like that!

Dr. Wilson

It's annoying, but she's good at it.

Dr. House

Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves...[his eyes widen, long pause] Oh my God! You're sleeping with me!

Dr. House

Taub and Thirty-One...

Thirteen

Thirty-One?

Dr. House

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you.

Dr. House

[to Cuddy] You are King Solomon. [points to Wilson] If you want us to cut him in half, we're cool with that.

My boyfriend's too much of a wuss to make the call for himself. [turns to Wilson] And I mean that with all the love in the world.

Dr. Wilson

I'm gonna piss off one of them and they both scare me.