Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. House

War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.

Dr. Cuddy

Foreman's not going anywhere.

Dr. House

And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?

Dr. Cuddy

Hi. I'm the Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House

Hi. I'm the guy who saved your life.

Dr. Wilson

[observing outside with Dr. Foreman] So what if it's House?

Dr. Foreman

Then I take the job at Mount Zion.

Dr. Wilson

There is no job at Mount Zion.

Dr. Foreman

House said...

Dr. Wilson

Well, if House said it, it must be true.

Dr. Cuddy

I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a re-

Dr. House

She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -

Dr. Cuddy

He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -

Dr. House

She's hot for me.

Shut up.

Dr. Cuddy

Well, that could have been either of us.

You have great ya-boos.

Dr. Cuddy

[Trying] Still could have been either of us.

Dr. House

[Smiles] You lose. [Starts victory dance]

Dr. Cuddy

Seriously, I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features.

Dr. Foreman

[seeing House doing his victory dance from outside the room] Damn.

That your breakfast?

Dr. House

Technically it's Wilson's lunch.

This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic, he's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.

[shakes hands with House] Dr. House.

Dr. House

"Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?

[pleased] Oh, you've read it?

Dr. House

Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.

I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need and I should be able to provide it.

Dr. House

FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.

That's fine. X-Files are in the next wing over.

Where was the patient when he first fell ill?

Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been, and yes - "John"'s a cover name.

And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?

Sorry, can't tell you that either.

Well, what can you tell us?

Dr. House

Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?

House

Who were you going to kill in Bolivia? My old housekeeper?

We don't kill people.

House

I'm sorry - who were you going to marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?

Dr. House

[about Dr. Terzi] I think she might be an idiot.

Dr. Wilson

Who?

Dr. House

She can't be an idiot! She's in the CIA, for god's sake!

Dr. Wilson

The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph?

House

She's making me an idiot.

Wilson

That's cute. You have a crush.

House

No, I think it's something systematic.

Wilson

Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.

House

She killed a patient.

Wilson

The bitch is pretty.

House

The bitch is a bitch.

Wilson

Ask her out.

House

The bitch? She's a bitch.

Wilson

No, the one that's making you an idiot. It's the story of life. Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

Dr. Wilson

Can I see that again?

Dr. House

And what did you miss? She screwed up, I....

Dr. Wilson

No, just the part when she leans forward, I think you can see through her dress.

Dr. House

We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.

The question was, "Do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?"

Dr. House

Oh. Well then I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?

The fun is in not knowing. [Dr. House appears to cut the magician's IV line, the magician looks worried]

House

The fun is in knowing. [He shows the magician his intact IV line, showing that he cut a piece of plastic tubing]

[exclaims] Oh, my head! Oh! I have a headache.

Dr. House

How bad? Is it new?

Oh! It's not too bad. I'll take one of these. [pretends to have a pill bottle in his hand, and pours out two real pills in his hand.]

Dr. House

Hm? Vicodin. [Dr. House pulls out his actual pill bottle, and shakes it, hearing nothing shaking in it]

People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They want to experience something they can't explain.

Dr. House

If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.

Thirteen

What the hell is this?

Dr. House

Looks like an envelope with the results for the genetic test for Huntington's inside.

Thirteen

Did you look?

Dr. House

Thought it would be fun to find out together.

Thirteen

I don't want to know.

Dr. House

No, you're afraid to know.

Thirteen

I might die. So could you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, the only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?

Dr. House

I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me I'd take them.

Thirteen

You spend your whole life looking for answers, because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that?

Dr. House

What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?

Thirteen

Drugs are always a mask for something else.

Dr. Wilson

Dying's easy. Living's hard!

Dr. House

That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.