Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cuddy

[reading House's performance review] A disturbingly large proportion of your comments are either racist or sexist.

Dr. House

That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute... would be an example of that.

Dr. Taub

[to Dr. House] You were wrong.

Dr. House

Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.

Dr. House

As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.

Are you serious?

Dr. House

No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'

Thirteen

We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab, see if he gets a reflex erection.

Dr. House

Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged. [looks at Dr. Cameron]

Dr. Cameron

I'm not showing him my boobs.

Dr. House

Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y... [he glances at Thirteen's chest] ...I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here. [he wanders off]

Dr. Cameron

Your porn is in the second drawer.

Dr. House

Dr. House. I don't think we've met.

Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.

Dr. House

Most people have. It's also a noun.

Dr. Wilson

A week ago you saw a symptom in a soap star.

Dr. House

Bad argument, since I was right about that.

Dr. House

[Not remembering the names of Dr. Taub and Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.

Thirteen

He just forgot mine.

Dr. House

No, Thirteen, I just wanted to call you a lesbian.

Thirteen

I'm not a lesbian.

Dr. House

I was rounding up from 50%.

Dr. Cuddy

I didn't know you rode the bus.

Dr. House

I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got "MA-D-D".

Dr. House

What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.

Dr. Cuddy

Then I guess this isn't a memory - this is a fantasy.

Dr. House

If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.

Dr. Cuddy

You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?!

Dr. House

Don't blame me, blame my gender.

Dr. Cuddy

Well, I'm not here to indulge that, I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus so all you could see was-

Dr. House

[Interrupts] Why can't you do both?

Dr. Cuddy

[Stops stripping and looks at Dr. House] I'm distracting you. [starts to get up]

Dr. House

No! [Cut back to Dr. Cuddy who is now dressed normally and sits down next to House] Dance, woman!

Dr. Cuddy

[Resignedly] You'd rather be diagnosing.

Dr. House

I screamed "no"!

Dr. Cuddy

And your own subconscious ignored you. I guess you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?

Dr. House

Why are you here?

You believe in reason above all else. There must be a reason.

Dr. House

You have something to tell me?

Yes. Who am I?

Dr. House

That's asking not telling. Who are you?

You know who I am.

Dr. House

If I did I'd be passed out in bed instead of OD'ing on physostigmine on the 6th street cross-town.

What's my necklace made of?

Dr. House

[Looking at the necklace] Resin?

Who am I?

Dr. House

I don't know. Why the guessing game?

Because you don't know the answer.

Dr. House

And if I don't, you don't. But you know the clues.

I know what's bugging your subconsciousness. What's my necklace made of?

Dr. House

[Looks at necklace, realises and whispers] No.

Who am I?

Dr. House

[Shakes head] Doesn't make sense.

What's my necklace made of?

Dr. House

Amber.

Dr. House

I have to tie this around you. [Removes Amber's red scarf from her neck and ties it round her right leg]

I'm cold.

Dr. House

Stay with me. Just stay with me.

Thirteen

You are the champion of not dealing with your problems...

Dr. House

My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

Dr. Wilson

You can't do this.

Dr. House

It's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.

Dr. Wilson

Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just stopped, it would be okay.

Dr. House

And it's gonna be. Taub's starting treatment. We're doing everything-

Dr. Wilson

Not everything. Before you warm her up, you said that you wanted to try deep-brain stimulation.

Dr. House

There's no reason. We know the symptom. We know what I saw.

Dr. Wilson

What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash on the ambulance when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?

Dr. House

You think I should risk my life to save Amber's?

Dr. House

You're dead.

Everybody dies.

Dr. House

Am I dead?

Not yet.

Dr. House

I should be.

Why?

Dr. House

Because life shouldn't be random. Because lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. Young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.

Self-pity isn't like you.

Dr. House

I'm branching out from self-loathing, self-destruction. [pause] Wilson is gonna hate me.

You kinda deserve it.

Dr. House

[pause] He's my best friend.

I know. [whispers] What now?

Dr. House

I could stay here with you.

Get off the bus.

Dr. House

[shakes head] I can't.

Why not?

Dr. House

Because... because it doesn't hurt here. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. [pause] And I don't want him to hate me.

Well, you can't always get what you want.

Cuddy

When was the last time you talked to him?

House

Uh, I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tred on your turf.

Wilson

I don't blame you. I wanted to. I tried to. I must have reviewed Amber's case file 100 times to find a way... but it wasn't your fault.

House

Then... we're okay? I mean, I know you're not, but... maybe I can help.

Wilson

We're not okay. Amber was never the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because... because I was trying, like I always do, to protect you. Which is the problem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship. And I've enabled it, for years, the games, the binges, the middle of the night phone calls. I should've been the one on the bus, not... you should have been alone on the bus. If I learned anything from Amber it's that I have to take care of myself. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were.