TV show quotes
Good evening, Schimmell's Bakery!
Schimmell's Bakery?
Hello? Who is this? Is that you, you no good Heinie Bellheim?!
[In a girl's voice] Is it for me, Papa?
Never mind! No! You cannot speak to Helga now, she's busy making strudel!
Oh, Papa!
And you listen to me, Heinie! You stop calling here, do you understand? Don't bother her, she's a good girl! And go away! Do something! Join the Army!
Herr Strasser? Mayerink, Intelligence.
Finally! That stupid Colonel.
I know, my apologies. He will be punished.
Are your people ready at the hotel?
This is too big for them. You will make your report direct to Berlin. Come, we have a truck waiting.
A truck? Wouldn't a plane be quicker?
Yes, but we wouldn't want the Luftwaffe in on this. That Goering and his big mouth. He'd take credit for everything.
Klink is a fine actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.
Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.
I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.
How did it happen?
I'm told I volunteered.
What's your defense?
Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.
[before the court-martial]
I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.
Raus, everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus!
What's happening, Schultz?
The Kommandant has an important announcement to make!
Bout what?
I know-
Nothing, nothing!
What she needs right now is consolation, Klink.
I understand, sir.
And you are the man to help her in this difficult time.
Me? I can hardly console myself!
I have arranged a nice, quiet table for the two of you at the Hauserhof tonight. Be kind to her. She respects you. THAT'S AN ORDER!
Hogan, I was wondering if you were aware of the fact that this is a prison camp.
[Laughing] Well, if it isn't, you're wasting a lotta guards and barbed wire fences!
[Visibly annoyed] That's very amusing. Ha ha ha!
Nothing like a good laugh, is there, sir?
So that is Colonel Hogan?
You've heard of him?
Yes. I know all about him. Born in Ohio, graduated from the Aviation Cadets- third in his class!
[Uncomfortably] Well, their standards are much lower than ours.
[entering Klink's office] Herr Kommandant, Major Pruhst here to see you.
Major Pruhst? I've never heard of him.
If I'm not discussing this with Colonel Hogan, why are you?
I don't know.
Then stop talking to him!
Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that I do not wish to discuss it with him.
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink does not wish to discuss it with you.
Tell Colonel Klink he's gonna be in as much trouble as General Burkhalter!
Klink! Tell Schultz to tell Hogan I'm in no trouble.
Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that General Burkhalter is in no trouble.
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink says that-
They're both gonna be in trouble if they don't get rid of that rocket launcher!
Klink! Tell him he can't threaten me!
Schultz! Tell him he can't threaten him!
General Burkhalter told Colonel Kli-
This is my last warning!
I don't take warnings from prisoners!
Neither do I!
You will this time!
[Hogan, Klink and Burkhalter all start arguing.]
PLEASE! Wait for me!
Klink, stop agreeing with me; you are undermining my confidence.
[With General Burkhalter watching, Colonel Klink triggers the launch. The rocket lifts off but starts heading in the wrong direction.]
KLINK! England is [Points] that way!
General Burkhalter, I-I can't understand what happened!
What's that way?
My house, for one thing!
[The rocket descends and explodes when it hits the ground.]
Frankly, General, I always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
