Harold quotes from Hey Arnold!

We could take the crosstown bus.

Helga

You mean that one?

Harold

Well, we could walk.

Helga

WALK?! It'll take days! We'll freeze to death! We'll be eaten by pigeons, or worse... eaten by RATS! [shudders] I hate rats!

Say something, Man.

Harold

Goodnight, Mommy.

Curly

I wanted to go as pirates.

Harold

No, Vikings.

Phoebe

How about clowns?

Helga

We're all going as aliens because the whole purpose of Halloween is to scare people and make them give you candy.

Helga

97 [kids groan while doing push-ups] 98 [kids groan while doing push-ups] 99! Come on! Get up! Walk it off. Let's go! We're going to practice everyday until I start seeing some improvement. And let's start thinking positively, think like winners, you bunch of losers. [Harold vomits] Any questions?

Harold

Ahh, I just throw up my protein drink! [vomits again]

Helga

Humph! Opera, what a bunch of dorks! La-de-da-froo-froo ladies in wigs singing a lotta 2-dollar words about nothing, doi!

Gerald

What a waste of a good field trip!

Harold

You said a mouthful, pal. Opera's for wimps!

Kids, kids, listen! Feel the music. Here's the big finish! [hums, then sighs when the music stops] And that was Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries". What do you think?

Boo!

That really bites!

Stinky, you are entitled to your opinion; but I bet by the time we're finished with this field trip; I'll make an opera lover of you yet! [rewinds on the boom box and presses play] And this is, of course, the song of Pagliacci, the crying clown.

Harold

[steps out] Look at me, I'm Pagliacci, the big, sad clown. Boo, hoo, hoo! Ha, ha, ha!

[pointing to the poster] And this is what we'll be seeing today. A classic tale of power and faithless love; the opera "Carmen".

Helga

Power and faithless love, huh? Ya got my attention.

The story centers around Carmen, the beautiful gypsy, [the students ooh and aah] who flirts with the young Spanish officer, Don José. [the students hoot] Don José is, how you say, charmed by Carmen, and lets her escape arrest for, um, how should I put this, causing harm to another girl.

Helga

Maybe this won't be so boring after all, Pheebs.

Phoebe

Oh, not boring at all, Helga. "Carmen" is a great story.

But Carmen forgets all about Don José the minute she sets her gypsy eyes on the torero Escamillo.

Gerald

[confused] Torero? What's a torero?

Curly

You know, a toreador, a bullfighter! [pulls out a handkerchief and holds it in the air; Harold acts like a bull and runs into it; removes it and bows] Ole!

Oh my gosh! Look, the show’s about to start. Everyone have your tickets ready.

Helga

[sneaks behind the pillar and spies on Arnold, along with Gerald, getting binoculars] Oh, Arnold, flamenco dancer stomping on the stage of my heart! Conquistador of my soul! With that, at this moment, I could know your heart's desire, my love. [Arnold aims his binoculars in the direction of Ruth, who's talking with Connie and Maria] Ruth! [cringes] Ruuuth! If only I can get that football-headed torero to feel that way about me! What am I doing wrong? What? [pushes usher out of the way] One side, moron!

Gerald

[offscreen] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!

Huh?

Gerald

[steps out of the darkness, wearing fancy Rococo clothes] Figaro, Figaro, Figaro! [runs back into darkness]

Hey, Gerald, what are you doing? Where are you going? What's going on? [crying comes from the other side and Harold steps out, dressed as a clown] Harold? [turns around and sees Harold crying] Uh, are you alright?

Harold

Look at me, Arnold! Look at me! I'm a...I'm a... [sings] ...big ugly clown, oh! A big, sad ugly clown, oh! [cries and runs away]

[dressed as Carmen, steps out, and slowly walks down the stairs halfway] I'm Ruth McCarmen, and awfully charmin'. [points to Arnold] I guess you've noticed by the way you stare. You're not bad either. [Arnold looks down and sees his new clothes] Let's take a breather, and we can talk about my auburn hair.

Her auburn hair! You're standing there. Why don't you introduce yourself to Ruth?

She's like a flower blossom.

I know, she's wicked awesome!

Gerald

Come on, Arnold, it's the moment of truth! [pushes him to the foot of the stairs]

[pulls up his pants] My name's Don Arnold, [pulls out caramel bag] please have a caramel. [she takes one and flutters her lashes] Your hair is lovely, do you like my pants? [smiles, embarrassed] They're made of satin, [takes off cape] the cape's pure Latin. [a hanger comes down and he hangs it; it goes back up] I had it tailored in the south of France.

The south of France, your satin pants. [a cow picks Arnold up] Why don't you ask the lady for a dance?

It's time for your decision.

It's almost intermission.

Gerald

Hey, Arnold, you better ask her to dance.

[they reach Ruth] Uhhh... [gets hit with a spitball; instantly wakes up] Hey, cut that out! Who's doing that?

Helga

[tucks the sling shot back in her shirt] I had to shut you up somehow. You were snoring louder than the orchestra.

Man, how far into it are we?

Gerald

[looking at his tape] Beats me. I'm looking for something to listen to, until this thing is over. [puts on his headphones]

Phoebe

Second act. Now Carmen will convince Don José to desert from the army and join her band of gypsy smugglers. All goes okay for a while, but then this really handsome guy named Escamillo comes along.

Mr. Green

Hey, that looks like my ham!

Harold

[whimpers] Ham? What ham?

Mr. Green

Harold Berman, I can't believe my eyes. You stole my beautiful ham, and now it's ruined!

Harold

Aw, I was hungry! I was really, really hungry!

Mr. Green

That doesn't give you the right to steal from people! You understand that?

Harold

NO! Mommy!

Mr. Green

I'm going to have to call his momma.

Harold, I'm disturbed about two things. First of all, you stole. Stealing is against the law; Thou Shalt Not Steal.

Harold

But I was hungry, Rabbi Goldberg!

And secondly and most important, you stole a ham. Ham is not Kosher, not Kosher at all. We don't eat ham. We haven't for 5,000 years, and we don't need to start now.

Harold

I know, and I'm sorry!

Yes. I know you're sorry, because you did something that got you into trouble. But I don't think you understand why. When I was a young man about your age, I had a friend who admired a vest hanging in a tailor shop. It was a beautiful vest: red velvet with gold buttons. He coveted that vest, Harold, but didn't have the money to buy it. You know what happened? My friend stole the vest, and he was punished. He had to work at the tailor shop, learning how to cut and sew and stitch so he would see just how much work it takes to make a vest. He learned a good lesson. You can too, Harold. I have an idea.

Harold

Do you like being a butcher?

Mr. Green

Huh? Yeah. I've been doing it for a long time.

Harold

What's your favorite kind of meat?

Mr. Green

Don't you have sweeping to do?

Harold

What's the difference between a rump roast and a butt steak?

Mr. Green

Hey, I got work to do! Go sweep outside! Just two more days, and he's out of my hair.

Mr. Green

Harold, what in the name of Pete do you think you're doing?!

Harold

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Green. You caught me stealing that turkey red-handed, didn't you? Guess you have to punish me now and make me work in your shop again, huh?

Mr. Green

Oh, no. You are not fooling me, Harold Berman. I told you I don't want you to work in my shop anymore, and I meant it! Now go on, scram!

Gerald

Say something, big boy.

Harold

Easy squeezy, lemon peasy.

Helga

[Calls to someone off screen] Medic.

Curly

Then later in class, Harold answered the bonus question that I was about to answer. Harold stole the question from me! Another injustice.

Harold

No fair! He let me answer that question!

Curly, you let Harold answer that question.

Harold

What happened?

Helga

Any bloodshed?

He's a goner...

Gerald

He's a brave boy...

Harold

He's a saint — he gave me his tokens...

Harold

Pretty good shot.

Thanks.

Harold

Your eyes are kinda puffy. You been crying?

No, what are you, crazy? I just got something in my eye.

Harold

Well, how come you're not dancing?

How come you're not dancing?

Harold

'Cause I don't like it.

Well, I don't like it either.

Harold

Dance is stupid, anyway.

No kidding.

Harold

I mean, what would be so bad if you didn't have to do with girls?

What's wrong with girls?

Harold

Nothing. I just don't like 'em, okay?

You're just saying that 'cause you're a boy.

Harold

So what if I'm a boy? What's wrong with boys?

Nothing. Except they're stupid.

Harold

I am not stupid! And if you say that again, I'm gonna pound you!

You and what army?

Harold

You know, you really bug me!

I know why you can't dance. You're scared.