HaroldHuh? What?
Am I whacked, or did Stinky and me see you with Big Patty at the ice cream parlor?
Harold
Yeah. I was there.
Harold
Her name's Patty! So what if I was?
I thought you didn't like girls anyway.
Harold
I don't. I mean, they're okay. What's the big deal anyways?
Well, it's no big deal if you got a crush on a girl, Harold. But who would've thought you'd get one on Big Patty?
[both laughing]
Harold
Cut it out. I do not have a crush on her. I don't even really like her. I was just doing her a favor by hanging out with her. I probably won't even see her again.
Okay, Harold. You don't have to get all mad about it.
[laughing]
Harold
Stop it or I'll pound ya!
Hey, Harold. You wanna have lunch with me and Sid?
Harold
I was kinda supposed to meet somebody.
It's not your girlfriend Big Patty, is it?
[both laughing]
SSSid and Stinky
[teasing] Harold and Patty!
Harold
Shut up! It's not Patty! Why would I be having lunch with her? And she's not my girlfriend.
Harold
I bet Rhonda thinks I'm a geek because I'm fat and loud and OBNOXIOUS!
And I'll bet she thinks I'm a geek 'cause my dad cuts my hair with a bowl!
I bet she thinks I'm a geek because of my huge nose!
Thanks, Stinky, but you're just saying that because you've got the biggest honker in the whole city. No offence.
[the kids are thinking of ideas for something to do]
Harold
I say we all go over and crash Rhonda's party and eat all her food!
Well, I say we get a carload of horse manure and leave it on her porch!
I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals in the zoo!
[Everyone stares at him]
[sarcastically] Fine, Curly. We'll meet you there in an hour. [Curly runs away cackling] Poor twisted little freak.
Harold
This is gonna be great.
He's sure gonna be surprised.
Hey, guys, what are you doing here?
[giggles] We're all gonna moon Principal Wartz.
It was Harold's brilliant idea.
Harold
Want to do it with us?
Harold
Oh, come on, it's fun.
All the Junior High Kids are doing it.
It sounds great, guys, but I think I'll pass.
Harold
Oh, you're just a chicken.
I am not chicken, Harold. It's just not such a good idea.
Harold
That's because you are a weenie. You don't have the guts, is all.
Yeah, you just don't have the guts.
Harold
No guts at all.
Harold
Shh, shh. [heard Principal Wartz coming out of his office] Here he comes. Get ready on three. [Harold, Stinky, and Sid put on some masks and turn around] One...
Are you really gonna go through this?
Harold
Shh! Two... [they unzip and grab their pants, Principal Wartz walks down the hallway] Three! [everyone except Arnold bends over]
What the — What is this? [puts on his glasses and sees Harold, Stinky, and Sid mooning him] Oh, my! Whoa! [Harold, Stinky, and Sid pull up their pants, and run down the hallway laughing] Come back here, ya hooligans! [Harold, Stinky, and Sid ran out of the school and Principal Wartz was panting] You won't get away with this. [to Arnold] You there! Where do you think you are going, Young Man?
Harold
Hey, Arnold. You didn't tell on us, did you?
Harold
What did Wartz do to you?
He gave me four weeks detention.
But you didn't even do anything.
Harold
You better not rat on us, Arnold! 'Cause you know what will happen if you do!
You think maybe it ain't fair for Arnold to take the blame for what we did?
You mean like, maybe we should go tell Wartz that we're the ones who mooned him, and get Arnold off the hook.
Harold
[jumps out of frustration] No, no, no! Arnold got caught; that's his fault, not ours. We got away with what we did, and that is all that counts. Nobody is going into Wartz's office and telling him what we did. Nobody! You got it?
I guess there's no sense in all three of us getting detention.
Hmm. I guess you're right, Harold. You figure he'll crack and spill the beans?
Students, yesterday, at approximately 3:38 P.M., a heinous crime was committed here in the Halls of P.S. 118. Three of our pupils engaged in a flagrant violation of district rules: namely, the dropping of their trousers and exposing of their fleshy unmentionables to a respected and beloved school official. Some of you may know this despicable practice as "mooning." Well, let me assure you, the culprits will be uncovered! I will get to the bottom of this! That is all.
What if he finds out we did it?
Harold
He won't find out if nobody tells him...
I reckon this will go on his permanent record.
I don't know if I could take the pressure.
What do you bet he cracks and rats us all out?
Harold
Don't worry. Arnold's not a snitch. He won't rat.
Harold
I'm telling you, he won't rat! [to Arnold] Did you rat?
No, Harold, I didn't rat.
Harold
Well, you'd better not, 'cause if you do, you know what will happen.
Harold
That's right, I'll pound you.
Harold
I will, Arnold. You can believe me! [stutters] You know what, I'll pound you so good that you'll be sorry!
Don't think of it as being a snitch. Just think of it as being a good citizen. [gives a box of chocolate to Arnold as an offer] Chocolate cream? [Arnold rejects] You know, Albert...
You know, Arnold. It's not easy to do the right thing.
Harold
[looking at Arnold talking to Principal Wartz outside with his binoculars] He's gonna rat. He's gonna rat.
When I was a boy, I found myself in the situation very similar to the one you're in right now.
Mmm-hmm. You see, I witnessed several of my fellow classmates placing a frog in our teacher's desk. When she came back and discovered the frog, she singled me out and demanded that I'd tell her who was responsible.
I did the right thing. I sang like a canary. I tattled on every single one of them.
The culprits were severely punished, and I was rewarded with a gold star. Oh, sure, my classmates were pretty mad at me at first. They called me a weasel, they refused to eat lunch with me, and they beat me up on a regular basis. In fact my reputation as a weasel followed me all the way into high school and college. I was stuffed into lockers, and had "KICK ME" signs taped to my back. I can't tell you the abuse I've suffered from practically every person I ever came in contact with. I didn't have a date till I was 23, but I didn't care about those things, because I knew that I had done the right thing. And in the end, I overcame all that abuse, and I grew up to become an Elementary School Principal. Wouldn't you like to become an Elementary School Principal?
Harold
You told him, didn't you?
Harold
You are lying. I saw you talking to Wartz. You told him it was me, and Stinky, and Sid, didn't you? Didn't you?!
Harold
Well, why not?!
Because it wouldn't be right.
Harold
But you got detention for four weeks, and you didn't even do anything. If I was you and you were me, I would have cracked the first day and ratted you out!
Well, maybe you would have, Harold, but I didn't, and I'm not going to. I gotta go. [Arnold leaves before Harold could answer.]
[to Harold; off-screen] Young Man?
Harold
Huh? Oh! Hello, Principal Wartz.
Hello, do you recognize anyone in this sketch?
Harold
No, sir. I don't. I really don't, not at all.
Okay. Well, keep up the good work, Son.
Harold
I sure will, Mr.— Principal Wartz.
Young Man, I hold here in my hand your Permanent Record. Now you still have a chance to save yourself. Just tell me who the real mooners are. Tell me their names, and I won't have to enter this terrible black mark on your Record.
[to Arnold] You understand that your Permanent Record will follow you all the way to Junior High?
And you still won't tell.
Then, you leave me no choice.
Harold
I did it, it was me! I'm sorry, Arnold is completely innocent. I'm the mooner. I am the mooner! [sobs]
And me! We all did it together. [sobs]
Arnold had nothing to do with it.
Oh, he was just a pawn in a horrible, twisted prank!
Harold
He's a saint. He's a saint. [Arnold smiles]
Well, Young Man, I suppose this lets you off the hook... [closes the top of the permanent black marker] ...for now.
Harold
I had to do it. I just couldn't live with the guilt.
It's gonna go on your Permanent Record.
Harold
Yeah, I know, but I'd never figure I'd make it to Junior High anyways.
I feel so much better now that we fessed up.
Me too. I guess we didn't realize it, but deep down, the guilt was driving us crazy the whole time, you know, subconsciously.
Harold
Hey, Arnold, do you remember when I said you don't have any guts, 'cause you wouldn't moon Principal Wartz?
Harold
Why, you don't have any guts then, but after you showed up to Wartz and didn't rat us out, well, I figure that took a lot of guts. More guts than me and Sid and Stinky got put together.
Yeah, Arnold, you've got guts.
You are just chock full of guts.
Harold
Hey, guys, what do you say tomorrow, we'd make a great big old sign that says "KICK ME," and tape it to Mr. Simmons' back?
[giggles] What a great idea.
Everybody would be kicking him all day, and he won't get why!
I know if that's not such a great idea...
Harold
Look, it's Helga the bed wetter. [laughs]
Listen, ya big tub of lard, if you ever call me this again, I swear I'll...
Helga, that isn't a very nice thing to play with your little friends.
"But" nothing, Baby Sister— I'll have to assign you detention, for the rest of the week.
[as Harold and Rhonda are assigned to partner up taking care of an egg baby]
Harold
Come on, Rhonda, you know you like me!
[nervously] Where in the world would you get a ridiculous idea like that?
Harold
Remember that time at the Cheese Festival, when you jumped...
[claps a hand over Harold's mouth] I thought I told you never to mention that night ever again.
Hey Arnold! · 434 quotes
