Paul Niedermann quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Capellini, chef.

[after examining the capellini] Fuck me. [returns to workstation] Over my fucking dead body! All of you, come here. Where's your spoons? (to Natalie) Just taste that! Taste it! I swear to God, it's like food from a kindergarten! I've tasted better canned spaghetti! And this is the U.S. Coast Guard! (to Paul) You! Show them how to do a lobster capellini!:

Yes, chef!

If it doesn't sink in, THEY'RE OUT!! I don't care, they're gone!

New York strip, wellington. Where are we?

How long, Tommy?

Anybody helping him or what?

Hold on, I got it! I got it!

You gotta cut those too, man!

Hold on. I got a rhythm going.

Oh, fuck me. You three.

Cut it and bring them up.

Bring it up!

What's this one, normal or medium? Is that medium?

Tommy, which one's well?

I don't know which one's well!

Medium or well?

(interview) Tommy can cook, but Tommy doesn't communicate. Tommy's in his own fucking world.

Tommy, what's this one?

Where's the two medium? (to Tommy) Stop. Leave me alone. Leave me alone, Tommy.

That's the medium rare, chef.

Leave me alone. My fucking head hurts.

The last two are medium.

[to Blue Team] All of you. All of you, just touch that. Just touch that! Where's the two medium?

Here, chef. And that is the medium rare.

Oh, the cold one? (to Tommy) You made me look like a fucking arsehole in front of Wolfgang Puck today! Now, that's... that's hot, that's lukewarm, and that's cold. Are you done?

No, no, no!

Yeah, I'm done with you!

Tommy, heat them up! Get them back to the fucking pass!

How long?!

HOW LONG?!

Three minutes, chef.

You have another wellington you can use, or do I need to put this one in?

WHY CAN'T WE JUST FUCKING REHEAT THEM?! [slams fist on workstation]

IT'S FALLING APART! IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT, I'M NOT SENDING IT OUT LIKE THAT!

Hey! Hey, hey, look at me! Hey, hello? [calls the attention of the blue team by knocking the workstation twice] He's (Tommy) cooking the seabass, what the fuck is he doing?!

Come on, Tommy! Tommy, are you serious?

Come here you! Hey, come here! He's cooking the fucking entrée [knocks his hand on the workstation] before we get to the fucking appetisers!

(interview) I got a little ahead of myself, I was on Speed Racer Mode. Started to get a little racy in the brain. I'm doing everything a hair early.

So he's cooking the sea bass now! For the third table, we haven't even sent the appetiser!

Okay, I'm rushing it.

Rushing it? Do me a favour. Fuck off outside, get a big, deep breath of fresh air. Piss off! Go on. Outside. Outside! Hey, look at me, fuck off! What a fucking muppet! (After Gordon kicks Tommy out for his fresh air) Romantic dinner? More like a fucked-up dinner!

Meanwhile, in the blue kitchen...

How long two bass, one chicken, one cod?

Walking now, chef.

Paul is ready with the blue team's first entrées.

What's he done? It's raw! (brief pause) Paul!

Is it raw chef?

Stop! All of you, come here! Paul just asked me, 'Is it raw?'

It's under!

(To Paul) Will you tell me? Just touch that! TOUCH THAT! [Natalie touches the chicken] ROMANTIC DINNER?! [throws his spoon away on the workstation]

(interview) It pisses me off because Paul knows better that. I mean... you just can't serve raw chicken.

(to Paul) Hey, chef! Let me ask you, is that raw?

Chef, its under. I got another one. I'll give it to you right now--

Hey, come here you! Answer my fucking question.

Yes, chef. It's raw.

GET OUT!

[loses his temper and throws his towel on the floor] Fuck!

Pink carnations, maybe. Pink chicken, no chance!

[angrily knocks on the wall with both hands; having throw tantrums] (interview) I fucked up on a chicken! I mean, I'm fucking furious at myself! [kicks his door to the dorms] Chef Ramsay, let me back in! Let me finish what I started.

Tommy, give that to Paul for his fucking romantic dinner. Upstairs, hurry up!

PUT THE SCALLOPS ON!

Shut up!

Grape jokes. So many grape jokes.

(to Tommy) Are you serious right now bro? Natalie is going to fucking snap if you tell one grape joke.

(interview; with a deep funny voice) Hey Guys This Is Grape! Hello! [laughs then groans in frustration]

If you hold on a second, uh.. you know I think my brain will work if I have "grape" expectations.

I'm so tired.

(interview) Please say one more damn grape joke. Please do it. Because, I'm going to fucking choke you-

Natalie, I feel like after my jokes, I've lost all ap-peel to you.

(interview; softly) Oh my god! [Natalie has enough] I am tired of these stupid fucking grapes. [throws the grapes away]

Calm down, Natalie.

You know why? because I'm not peeling anymore grapes, this is as stupid as shit, and I'm not doing it....... [throws the grapes on the ground, and jumps on them like she is throwing a tantrum] I'M NOT PEELING THEM ANYMORE! NO MORE! NO MORE FUCKING GRAPES! I'M NOT PEELING ANYMORE GRAPES EVER AGAIN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! THIS IS STUPID!

(interview) [says nothing]

Do you feel better?

(calmed) I feel better.

Oh, that was grape.

[throwing grapes at Tommy] Tommy I'm.... I'm going to kill you.

[returns to the workstation] All of you, stop. [throws his spoon away] Just fucking stop, ALL OF YOU. (to Elise) Come here you. Put your finger in there. [Elise puts her finger inside the salmon] Not pink, raw. I'm done. (to the other chefs) Leave me alone. All of you, fuck off out of here. All of you. Get out, please. Just fuck off. Enough is enough.

(interview) We are the final five black coats! And I'm getting kicked out of a fucking service! [pause] No, not cool!

Am I finishing?

Put them back in the pan, yeah?

Yeah, I'll finish this.

(to Sous chef Scott) Hey Scott, can you get Andi get Paul and Will back, okay?

Yes.

We have fucking completely vigils be!

Will, Paul, COME WITH ME.

(interview) The greatest kicked me off that you can ever have in my life that have Chef Gordon Ramsay. Saying you're know what it wasn't you, go finish what you started.

Good to see Paul again. [Paul nods]

Great to see Paul.

Alright. So, here we have a stuffed halibut with goat cheese, crab, and shrimp.

Is that spaghetti underneath?

Yeah, it's some capellini.

(interview) Paul's a dick! He was a dick in Season 9 and he's still a dick!

Uh, Rock. Out of five, how would you judge Jason's dish, please?

Dana, how did that taste?

Yeah. Not thought out properly.

I'm gonna go with a two. [to Jason] Sorry.

Paul, please.

I'm sorry, man. I'm gonna go with one.

One? Wow.

(interview) One?! Paul can go fuck himself!

For me, it's a two as well.

[the scoreboard shows Jason at eight points] Alright, well, thank you all for your input. I really do appreciate it. Thank you. [joins the rest of the Blue Team] Wah-wah-wah.

Jason, let's confirm one thing: you'll definitely not be the month of December.

[sarcastically] Thanks, chef.

You're welcome.

Gabriel, let's go.

(interview) Even though I'm nervous, I still feel confident in my dish. [to the judges] Hello. How are you all?

Where's the rest of the lamb?

Yeah, uh...it's roasted rack of lamb. The sauce is, uh...

Can you just stop two seconds? [points to the kitchen] You gotta bring me the rest of the rack of lamb in the kitchen there. [as Gabriel runs back to get the rest of the lamb] Why would you put two chops on there?

I don't get it.

(interview) Gabriel freezes up at the last minute and thinks that he's pressed for time, so he just freaks out and doesn't put anything on the plate.

Why would you not put that on?

I was down to, like, one second. So, it was that one second to cut it or one second to take it off. I decided to make a professional decision and leave it off.

Forty-five minutes.

I understand, chef.

My instructions, every time we enter one of these challenges: Get your proteins on.

Yes, chef.

Should we get straight to tasting and forget the presentation?

[cuts into the smaller lamb chop] The lamb is actually overcooked.

Yeah, the lamb definitely does look like it's overcooked.

(to Gabriel) Did you slice and then re-sear?

I had to, chef. [Gordon facepalms] I put it back together, but I put it in, and then when I pulled it out, it...that's what I had.

Gabriel.

Yes?

That bit you left off...that we can't judge is cooked perfectly. And unfortunately, I'm struggling to give you a one.

Yes, chef.

Thank you. Back in line!

Yes, chef. [the scoreboard shows Gabriel at zero points]

[exhales deeply] Wow. Right now, I'm not too sure what I'm gonna put on the calendar.

(interview) Oh, no. I'm next. I'm–I'm the last one. Like, the situation just got so real. If I don't come through, that makes Chef Ramsay look bad because he put his faith in us.

[whispering to Joy] Joy, take it home.

Let's go, Joy, please. Thank you.

[to the judges] Hello.

Hi.

Alright, what have we got?

We have a seared duck breast, and on top of that are some oven-roasted figs and mushrooms...and some Swiss chard for your veggie.

What was your inspiration behind the dish?

[pause] Uh...my inspiration was actually just cooking things I never cooked before. I never cooked duck, never cooked Swiss chard. I don't eat blackberries.

Huh?

I ate a fig for the first time here.

So you cooked for us stuff you've never cooked before to get on the calendar?

Damn!

Seriously? Fuck me. [slaps Rochelle's black jacket]

(interview) I'm gonna get my black jacket! It's right there in the center, I can see it! It's so pretty!

Uh, let's go. Paul.

Aesthetically, the dish looked amazing. The whole dish itself eats very well. There's balance, you get the acidity. I like it a lot.

Thank you.

Rock, how was that?

Flavor from top to bottom, it looked beautiful. The balance with that fruit...that's absolutely amazing.

Thank you.

Nice. Dana, what do you think?

I think this is the first dish that I've tasted and said, "Wow, this is delicious."

Rock, give us a number, please. One to five.

I'm just gonna go with a five.

Wow! Wow, wow, wow. Paul, one to five, please.

I'm gonna go five.

Wow. Dana.

I'm gonna give it a five also.

Thank you!

I thought the dish was delicious. I'm gonna give it a four. Great job, well done.

Thank you, thank you! (interview) You know, thank you, chef. But I already got my black jacket! [laughs]

Nineteen out of twenty! [Joy runs up and hugs Kashia]

Nice job, Joy!