Pleased to meet your Mr. ...
[Laff-a-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]
My stapler seems to have fallen into your...
Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.
S2Grape Juiced
DDoctor
[With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!
Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]
[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]
Thank you.
DDoctor
It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!
[Phil with two monk like men.]
CANNIBALS!!
S2Peanut Puberty
I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.
[opens the door for Doggy Daddy]
DDDoggy Daddy
Just tell me what you want me to do.
[stands there silently]
DDDoggy Daddy
[tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]
S2Gone Efficien...t
Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
Interesting name. Norweg...?
DDvd
Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.
Brllnt!
[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]
[over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
One sheet?!
Repeat: One sheet per visit.
[appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.
S2Droopy Botox
[Harvey and Phil enter a toilet that looks like a palace.]
Wow.
Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.
[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]
Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?
Nothing like gold on gold
You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...
Backrub.
Backrub?
[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]
Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right
You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.
It didn't?
Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.
BFBlue Falcon
Señor, have faith if you could do me a favor.
Sure.
BFBlue Falcon
Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.
Sorry?
BFBlue Falcon
Expectorate... como se dice? Spitting?
S2Guitar Control
Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.
[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Don't look at me!
[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?
[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]
I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
NNarrator
Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.
[Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.
NNarrator
Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.
S3Booty Noir
I've got a device...a body reshaper.
NNorlissa
A device? For the booty?
Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!
NNorlissa
Is it safe?
It's patented in Sweden.
NNorlissa
How much does it cost?
FREE! I mean, it's free.
NNorlissa
Well all right, when can I make an appointment?
I have an opening right now. Turn around.
NNorlissa
You're gonna do it right here!?
It's out-patient! BACK OFF!
[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']
Lord help me.
[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]
NNorlissa
Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!
Oh, speak for yourself!
Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day
WGWally Gator
Well ..., I fish and hunt, then I watch NASCAR. yep.
Things have been harder lately?
WGWally Gator
Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place
And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?
WGWally Gator
Manatees [Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!
[Catering liquor from a reflux still] Heh, preach!!!
S3Harvey's Civvy
Savannah! Who's ready for some lap candy?
SShado
[telepathically] I WILL HAVE THE COBB SALAD.
Nonsense! We'll have four bloomin' onions and the full slab of baby backs. For the table!
SShado
[telepathically] I AM NO LONGER EATING PORK. [talking out loud] I just telepathically communicated that I am no longer eating por—
Yeah, yeah; here. [tosses Shado a basket of crackers]
More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?
Nah, we're done.
[in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand.
I... call... Shado... to the... stand... Now what?
[in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the question.
Uhh... did you...
Go on.
Did you... get... that thing I... sent ya?
SShado
[telepathically] THE THING YOU SENT? [talking out loud] I'm sure I did! One moment... [sorting through papers] I think it was on buff, or maybe goldenrod.
And how long did they have to respond, Mr. Potamus?
Two weeks.
Oh, and let's see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!
SShado
[talking out loud] But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How—
Did I know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! Ya know what we call THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!
So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?
Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!
S3X Gets the Crest
Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a—DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!—an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's—YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!—safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was—
[Ricohet Rabbit starts bouncing around the courtroom]
[Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] AHHH! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! AHHHH!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.