Scenes with Peanut 12
[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]
PeanutIs that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?
How 'bout we start with your name?
Peanut
Peanut.
Uh-huh. So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed.
Peanut
Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant.
Peanut
Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".
Peanut
Mmm. You know.
Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?
Peanut
Actually, I believe I was fired from that job.
Peanut
Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.
Peanut
Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.
You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!
Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?
Peanut
You hid the interns?
Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!
[thinking] There was never a piano there.
Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
[thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--
Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
[after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!
Peanut
Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]
So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.
FPFunky Phantom
That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!
FPFunky Phantom
And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?
Peanut
Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.
DDebbie (over intercom)
A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]
[Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!
[On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.
DLDing-a-ling
Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]
DLDing-a-ling
...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!
Peanut
You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."
Peanut
Bling-bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!
It didn't last as long this time.
Peanut
Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.
Peanut
Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!
Peanut
You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.
[tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!
Peanut
And lunch money.
But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....
Peanut
You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.
Money. Money. I'll get the money!
[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up. After seeing Harvey, the man drives off]
Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!
[The man takes Magilla Gorilla, also a prostitute in drag]
DDoctor
[With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!
Peanut
Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]
[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]
DDoctor
It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!
[Phil with two monk like men.]
And if someone were stunned, even momentarily, that may be enough time to recover my...
Peanut
Crest?
YES! [Birdman squeezes through oil covered hole, wearing no pants] BIRDMAN'S CREST ON X'S HELMET!
[a pregnant pause]
Peanut
Well, that was a little creepy.
[Phil Ken Sebben introduces his daughter]
Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.
JJudy
That's right, and I've been particularly interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.
[Phil slaps Harvey with his mug, but appears across the room in the next frame]
Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.
Peanut
Sucky.
Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Peanut
Proof of what?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut
I'd look elsewhere for that...
(numbers popping up) Case #398567703296...
Peanut
...8.
And he's not alone; I gave him the keys to the Death-Con 12 (12).
Hey, nobody's perfekt. That's spelled with a K.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law · 80 quotes
