What's the meaning of this? This is my quiet time.
We're going to have to take you into custody.
Ha ha. That's outrageous. What am I charged with?
Don't have to tell you anymore. Clearly you haven't been reading your Scalia.
S4Mufti Trouble
You're a genie?
Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.
So, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.
I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!
[from inside bathroom stall] That you, Birdman?
Oh. Hey, regarding the talc situation—YOU'RE OUT OF IT!
AAvenger
Potamus...
Eh?
AAvenger
Did you flush?
Who said that?
AAvenger
I did. Fat-ass.
Meyn Got! Talkin' animal! [recoiling] This ain't riiight! SKEEVIN' ME OUT! [flees bathroom]
S4Incredible Hippo
Oy gevalt. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!
I'm uncertain.
I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or somethin' starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread iddn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands! What's that one, POPPY?!
That monster is attacking Judy!
But Phil, he's saving her!
My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.
S4Babysitter
[Potamus has taken control of the firm and is sitting in Phil Ken Sebben's office]
JJudy
Daddy?
I love this job.
JJudy
Where's daddy?
Uh...he went on, uh...a...
[Potamus sees a billboard with 'vacation' partially replaced by 'honeymoon']
vaca...neymoon.
JJudy
Vacaneymoon? With Aunt Phyllis? He didn't say anything about—
They eloped. Silly kids.
JJudy
But elopement's for the wedding, not the vacaneymoon.
[Potamus rushes her out of the office]
Be happy for them! It's a joyous time!
JJudy
Well do you know when he'll be back? I need him to sign this...ugh Sex Ed permission slip for my community college.
He just said "Co-co butter"...and like that...he was gone.
GGuy
Hey! You don't have the authority to hire people!
Oh yeah? [leans out the window where below, an attractive girl walks past] Hey HA-HAs! You're hired!
S4Birdnapped
MMary
You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?
20%
BBirdgirl
Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!
MMary
How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!
...and the school kids.
It was Phil!
MMary
HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!
DDebbie
Mr.—slight retch—Birdman's office.
Hi, Debbie, it's me. Put me through please. [Debbie hangs up] Hello? [Redials] It's X. Uh, X the Eliminator? Yeah, I'd like to speak to Harvey if I could, please.
DDebbie
No, he's booked through December. Try back next year.
Look! I need to talk to him, okay? It's regarding tonight's menu!
DDebbie
I don't have him down for dinner.
I...didn't invite him yet. [Debbie hangs up again] I understand. Short notice. [Slams phone down] I hate him!
ZZardo
Um, well?
He's not coming!
S4Grodin
DDevlin
Whores are for heroes!
[X dials the number for an Evil Life Coach]
PPerfectionist
Hi. I've changed my menu options, so please listen carefully. For landscaping, press one. Dog walking, press two. Nude housecleaning, press any key any time...
[impatiently] Come on, come on, come on...
PPerfectionist
If you need an Evil Life Coach, press four.
[X presses four]
[awkwardly] Hi... uh, heh... Well, I saw your ad, and uh...
VMVoice Mail Prompt
You have... ten... seconds.
[frantically] PLEASE HELP ME, I'M NOT EVIL ENOUGH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! MAKE ME EVIL!
S4Juror in Court
[alone in his kitchen] I have to call this number after five P.M. to see if it is necessary to report for Jury Duty... Who am I talking to?
Please say no, please say no...
[answering the phone] If your number is below two thousand three hundred fifty eight...
You don't have to report tomorrow.
Damn!
I'm not finished.
Oh.
If your number is divisible by fourteen, you don't have to report.
Damn! [starts doing long division]
If two trains left your number at the same time headed in opposite directions, you don't have to report.
Damn!
If your number is two thousand three hundred fifty nine or above, you don't have to report.
YES!!
Unless it is two thousand three hundred fifty nine, and then you do! WE'LL SEE YOU AT 5:45 AM, SUCKERRRR!!!
$27.90? But this meal voucher they gave us is only good for three dollars.
EDElliott the Deadly Duplicator
(behind the counter) Ah-HA-ha-hahaha! Yes! YES! The mighty Birdman humbled by a chimichanga! Wait, that thing is $27.90? (clerk nods) Are you kidding me?! That's bullshit! He doesn't even get a fountain drink! Gimme that! (snatches voucher and duplicates it) There, now you owe him $8.10. How's that feel, huh?(Elliot exits cafe, turns left, another Elliot comes from right side of the door and jumps on counter) And what the fuck is chipotle anyway?!
S4The Death of Harvey
(numbers popping up) Case #398567703296...
...7228489273124...
...483395639462...
...8.
BBirdgirl
Who is it?!
Nitron.
And he's not alone; I gave him the keys to the Death-Con 12 (12).
How could you?!
Hey, nobody's perfekt. That's spelled with a K.
No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy! Daughter, is it you?
EIEveryone in the Background
Yes!
I can't believe you were trying to get into your own father's pants. Now that's just sick. And me helpless, (pointing down) with the one eye.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.