Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law · Season 1
Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.
How long has she-
He.
[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]
He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.
Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm gonna step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.
[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]
Way to go, Harvey.
[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]
You too Bandit.
[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]
[Apache Chief walks into a Javalux, out of view of the audience]
Coffee please
All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
Oh, I... I think I have change.
[coffee spills]
Ah! My lap!
Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap
Uh-huh.
And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.
I'll bet.
Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.
Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?
I... can no longer... enlarge.
Ugh!
[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]
Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?
[Music, laughter]
[to Scooby] Will you be cool?
Turn the music off, please.
Sure thing officer.
Where you headed tonight?
Like there’s this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we’re headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]
A green monster?
[Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.
Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.
[Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.
Just step out of the van please.
Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]
[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]
Take a seat.
Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?
How 'bout we start with your name?
Peanut.
Uh-huh. So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed.
Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant.
Baltimization?
Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".
Really?
Mmm. You know.
Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?
Actually, I believe I was fired from that job.
Oh?
Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.
So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government?
That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.
What?
I'm not prosecuting.
Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?
Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.
Hm. The jukebox?
No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.
[The words "An AOL/Time Warner Co." appear on the bar's sign.]
Myron, Myron!
The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency-
[The bartender walks over]
[Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!
One currency? [laughs]
Your tab.
Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.
Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?
Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.
A cute, fuzzy little bear. [smiles at jury] The defense rests.
Now close your eyes and fall back. I’m right behind you.
When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl
That's it. Let me cradle you.
She landed flat on her back
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.
Fall you bastard!
So, you are a musical group correct?
Sure!
... Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Oh for God's sakes...you, the shark. No more from you today, okay?
Who writes your music?
Someone with something yummy in his tummy?
[to stenographer] Those guys over there, they're gonna lose this one. Pretty sure of it. No, I know it.
And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.
Uh, we don't know.
Nothing further.
Do you know what this means to the firm?! The billable hours?! I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.
Who are you?
I told ya I'm Frond Fernstone, Botanist and....
[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]
Who are you?
Bird Flintmock, rodeo rider....
[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]
I'm Anne Heche.
[Peanut hits Fred with twice a large mallet]
Wilma, Honey what's going on?
Dada! Dada!
Gracias.
Ha ha... sissy European lisp thingy.
[Looking at Falcón]: I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before. [Looks at Harvey Birdman]. Not this. This is something here before NOT we have.
Step off, Holmes!
Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.
You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
