Harvey Birdman quotes from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Harvey

12 Jurors. 1 Judge. 1/2 a chance

Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.

Harvey

How long has she-

He.

He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.

Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap

Harvey

Uh-huh.

And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.

Harvey

I'll bet.

Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.

Harvey

Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?

I... can no longer... enlarge.

Harvey

Ugh!

Harvey

Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?

Harvey

Take a seat.

Peanut

Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?

Harvey

How 'bout we start with your name?

Peanut

Peanut.

Harvey

Uh-huh. So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed.

Peanut

Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant.

Harvey

Baltimization?

Peanut

Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".

Harvey

Really?

Peanut

Mmm. You know.

Harvey

Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?

Peanut

Actually, I believe I was fired from that job.

Harvey

Oh?

Peanut

Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.

Harvey

So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government?

Reducto

That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.

Harvey

What?

Reducto

I'm not prosecuting.

Harvey

Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?

Reducto

Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.

Harvey

Hm. The jukebox?

Reducto

No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.

Harvey

Myron, Myron!

Reducto

The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency-

Reducto

[Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!

Harvey

One currency? [laughs]

Your tab.

Harvey

Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

Harvey

Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.

Harvey

A cute, fuzzy little bear. [smiles at jury] The defense rests.

Phil

Now close your eyes and fall back. I’m right behind you.

Harvey

When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl

Phil

That's it. Let me cradle you.

Harvey

She landed flat on her back

Phil

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Harvey

And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.

Phil

Fall you bastard!

Harvey

So, you are a musical group correct?

Sure!

... Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Mentok

Oh for God's sakes...you, the shark. No more from you today, okay?

Harvey

Who writes your music?

Someone with something yummy in his tummy?

Mentok

[to stenographer] Those guys over there, they're gonna lose this one. Pretty sure of it. No, I know it.

Harvey

And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.

Uh, we don't know.

Harvey

Nothing further.

Harvey Birdman

Who are you?

I told ya I'm Frond Fernstone, Botanist and....

Harvey Birdman

Who are you?

Bird Flintmock, rodeo rider....

I'm Anne Heche.

Wilma, Honey what's going on?

Dada! Dada!

Harvey

Step off, Holmes!

Peanut

Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.

Harvey

You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!

Phil

I need your...uh, help.

Harvey

Really.

Phil

On my way to work I hit a guy...

Harvey

Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.

Phil

...every day this week.

Harvey

Oh... any witnesses?

Phil

Some kids.

Harvey

Nobody believes kids!

Phil

And a nun.

Harvey

Nobody believes nuns!

Phil

Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!

Harvey

I'll take the case.

Phil

And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.

Harvey

YES!

Phil

Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.

Harvey

Oh.

Phil

Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Peanut

You hid the interns?

Phil

Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!

Harvey

[thinking] There was never a piano there.

Phil

Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.

Harvey

[thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--

Phil

Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Reducto

Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.

Harvey

Umm...

Reducto

Hello. Mail bomb.

Harvey

Uh, heh... um...

Reducto

Assassination.

Harvey

Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...

Reducto

Fertilizer.

Harvey

...I'm almost out of minutes.

Reducto

Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.

Harvey

See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!

Phil

[overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

[emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!

Phil

You sure did!

Harvey

Ha, aha...

Phil

Multiple entendre.

Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!

Harvey

Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?

Phil

Your desk lamp. Here.

Potamus

[emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?

Harvey

Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.