Myron Reducto quotes from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Reducto

Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a—DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!—an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's—YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!—safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was—

Reducto

[Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] AHHH! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! AHHHH!

Harvey

So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government?

Reducto

That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.

Harvey

What?

Reducto

I'm not prosecuting.

Harvey

Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?

Reducto

Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.

Harvey

Hm. The jukebox?

Reducto

No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.

Harvey

Myron, Myron!

Reducto

The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency-

Reducto

[Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!

Harvey

One currency? [laughs]

Your tab.

Harvey

Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

Reducto

Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.

Harvey

Umm...

Reducto

Hello. Mail bomb.

Harvey

Uh, heh... um...

Reducto

Assassination.

Harvey

Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...

Reducto

Fertilizer.

Harvey

...I'm almost out of minutes.

Reducto

Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.

Harvey

See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!

Phil

[overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

Harvey

Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.

Reducto

Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.

Reducto

Don't look at me!

Reducto

And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

Reducto

I've got a device...a body reshaper.

A device? For the booty?

Reducto

Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!

Is it safe?

Reducto

It's patented in Sweden.

How much does it cost?

Reducto

FREE! I mean, it's free.

Well all right, when can I make an appointment?

Reducto

I have an opening right now. Turn around.

You're gonna do it right here!?

Reducto

It's out-patient! BACK OFF!

Reducto

Lord help me.

Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!

Reducto

Oh, speak for yourself!

Reducto

Mr. Mole, please show us your uniform.

My uniform?

Reducto

The Geneva Convention states that only those in uniform are considered soldiers.

Harvey

Objection, he isn't even wearing any pants.

Reducto

Exactly.

Phil

Neither am I. Is that a crime?

Mentok

Uh, yes. Yes, it is.