Phil Ken Sebben quotes from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Phil Ken Sebben

Do you know what this means to the firm?! The billable hours?! I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.

Phil

[Looking at Falcón]: I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before. [Looks at Harvey Birdman]. Not this. This is something here before NOT we have.

Phil

I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.

Phil

I'm not a marriage counselor, but I do have this whip.

Phil

Mopey, mopey hippo!

Phil

Now close your eyes and fall back. I’m right behind you.

Harvey

When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl

Phil

That's it. Let me cradle you.

Harvey

She landed flat on her back

Phil

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Harvey

And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.

Phil

Fall you bastard!

Gracias.

Phil

Ha ha... sissy European lisp thingy.

Phil

I need your...uh, help.

Harvey

Really.

Phil

On my way to work I hit a guy...

Harvey

Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.

Phil

...every day this week.

Harvey

Oh... any witnesses?

Phil

Some kids.

Harvey

Nobody believes kids!

Phil

And a nun.

Harvey

Nobody believes nuns!

Phil

Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!

Harvey

I'll take the case.

Phil

And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.

Harvey

YES!

Phil

Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.

Harvey

Oh.

Phil

Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Peanut

You hid the interns?

Phil

Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!

Harvey

[thinking] There was never a piano there.

Phil

Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.

Harvey

[thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--

Phil

Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Reducto

Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.

Harvey

Umm...

Reducto

Hello. Mail bomb.

Harvey

Uh, heh... um...

Reducto

Assassination.

Harvey

Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...

Reducto

Fertilizer.

Harvey

...I'm almost out of minutes.

Reducto

Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.

Harvey

See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!

Phil

[overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

[emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!

Phil

You sure did!

Harvey

Ha, aha...

Phil

Multiple entendre.

Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!

Harvey

Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?

Phil

Your desk lamp. Here.

Potamus

[emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

Phil

[regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?

Harvey

Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.

Phil

You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.

Harvey

Plus, I don't think he understands English.

Phil

Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!

Harvey

[now has a white stain on his shoulder]

Phil

Nope! I think he understands plenty!

Harvey

Pleased to meet your Mr. ...

Harvey

My stapler seems to have fallen into your...

Phil

Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laff-a-Lympics, Birdman.

[With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!

Peanut

Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]

Harvey

Thank you.

It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!

Phil

CANNIBALS!!

Phil

[opens the door for Doggy Daddy]

Just tell me what you want me to do.

Phil

[stands there silently]

[tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]