12 Jurors. 1 Judge. 1/2 a chance
S1Deadomutt, Part 2
S1X, the Eliminator
I need your...uh, help.
Really.
On my way to work I hit a guy...
Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
...every day this week.
Oh... any witnesses?
Some kids.
Nobody believes kids!
And a nun.
Nobody believes nuns!
Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
I'll take the case.
And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
YES!
Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.
Oh.
Yes, it is I; X, the Eliminator, and only I can rid you of this scourge; Birdman.
FMFEAR Member 1
What is your price?
One million dollars
FMFEAR Member
It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman
....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.
FMFEAR Member 1
Oh, God no.
FMFEAR Member 2
What are you? Crazy?
S2Blackwatch Plaid
Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?
You hid the interns?
Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!
[thinking] There was never a piano there.
Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
[thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--
Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand color-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.
Umm...
Hello. Mail bomb.
Uh, heh... um...
Assassination.
Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...
Fertilizer.
...I'm almost out of minutes.
Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.
See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!
[overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.
S2Trio's Company
IHInch-High, Private Eye
[has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] Be right back!
[Cut to Inch-High in line at an amusement park with a sign reading, "you must be this tall to ride"]
IHInch-High, Private Eye
Again.
APAmusement park worker
Please step onto the ride, sir.
IHInch-High, Private Eye
I'm sorry, what?
APAmusement park worker
Get on the ride, sir.
IHInch-High, Private Eye
Again.
IHInch-High, Private Eye
[Back in the courthouse with a giant stuffed bunny] As I was saying...
GGigi
[emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!
You sure did!
Ha, aha...
Multiple entendre.
GGigi
Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!
Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?
Your desk lamp. Here.
[emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?
S2The Devlin Made Me Do It
DDevlin
Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?
Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.
[after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!
Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]
S2High Speed Buggy Chase
So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.
FPFunky Phantom
That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!
[laughs] We're trying.
FPFunky Phantom
And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?
Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.
[regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?
Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.
You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.
Plus, I don't think he understands English.
Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!
[now has a white stain on his shoulder]
Nope! I think he understands plenty!
S2SPF
DDebbie (over intercom)
A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]
[Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!
[On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.
DLDing-a-ling
Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...
[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]
DLDing-a-ling
...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!
You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."
Bling-bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!
It didn't last as long this time.
Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.
Gimme the French Stuff.
Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!
OK OK OK! How much?
You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.
[tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!
And lunch money.
But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....
You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.
Money. Money. I'll get the money!
[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up. After seeing Harvey, the man drives off]
Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!
[The man takes Magilla Gorilla, also a prostitute in drag]
S2Back to the Present
JJane
Hard day at the button, dear?.
GGeorge
Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.
PPriest
[in the year 4063 A.P., everyone is worshiping potamus] I got that THING, he sent me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.