Peter Potamus quotes from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

[emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!

Phil

You sure did!

Harvey

Ha, aha...

Phil

Multiple entendre.

Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!

Harvey

Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?

Phil

Your desk lamp. Here.

Potamus

[emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

Phil

[over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey

One sheet?!

Phil

Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Potamus

[appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Potamus

Savannah! Who's ready for some lap candy?

[telepathically] I WILL HAVE THE COBB SALAD.

Potamus

Nonsense! We'll have four bloomin' onions and the full slab of baby backs. For the table!

[telepathically] I AM NO LONGER EATING PORK. [talking out loud] I just telepathically communicated that I am no longer eating por—

Potamus

Yeah, yeah; here. [tosses Shado a basket of crackers]

Mentok

More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?

Potamus

Nah, we're done.

Mentok

[in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand.

Potamus

I... call... Shado... to the... stand... Now what?

Mentok

[in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the question.

Potamus

Uhh... did you...

Mentok

Go on.

Potamus

Did you... get... that thing I... sent ya?

[telepathically] THE THING YOU SENT? [talking out loud] I'm sure I did! One moment... [sorting through papers] I think it was on buff, or maybe goldenrod.

Mentok

And how long did they have to respond, Mr. Potamus?

Potamus

Two weeks.

Mentok

Oh, and let's see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!

[talking out loud] But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How—

Mentok

Did I know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! Ya know what we call THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!

Harvey

So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?

Mentok

Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

Birdman

[sighs]

Potamus

That you Birdman?

Birdman

You know, now is not a great time.

Potamus

Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?

Birdman

No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I've never gotten that thing you sent me, and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever once sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me—EVER!—I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]

Potamus

[whimpers]

Birdman

Hey, hey, oh... I'm, I'm sorry.

Potamus

[sobs uncontrollably]

Birdman

Look, I, uh... I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.

Potamus

[bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT 'EM!

Potamus

Shhh... Shhh... Birdman, Shhh... Shhhent ya... Shh.

Harvey

But I don't know what I'm doing.

Potamus

Nonsense. Look at me. Look at me. Now, listen very closely... to what I'm about to say to you.

Harvey

Oh, okay...

Potamus

Promise that you are going to listen to these words with all your heart.

Harvey

Okay.

Potamus

Do you have... inside you... here...?

Harvey

Yes?

Potamus

Deep, deep, inside you... Do you have the one true thing that you need... in life that will guide you through it all?

Harvey

Yes?

Potamus

Do you have that one thing...?

Harvey

What thing? Tell me. WHAT IS IT?!

Potamus

It is that thing that I sent to you.

Potamus

[leaves bathroom, passing attendant Azul Falcone] You're outta talc!

Identifying that thing.

Potamus

[echoing] That thing...

Setting your sights on that thing.

Potamus

[echoing] That thing...

Reaching for that thing.

Potamus

[echoing] That thing...

Getting that thing.

Potamus

[echoing] You get that thing?

Recognition for getting that thing

Potamus

[echoing] Congratulations... [farts] Excuse me I got tension.

Potamus

[from inside bathroom stall] That you, Birdman?

Potamus

Oh. Hey, regarding the talc situation—YOU'RE OUT OF IT!

Potamus...

Potamus

Eh?

Did you flush?

Potamus

Who said that?

I did. Fat-ass.

Potamus

Meyn Got! Talkin' animal! [recoiling] This ain't riiight! SKEEVIN' ME OUT! [flees bathroom]

Potamus

Oy gevalt. Please tell me those ain't Heisenberg Brothers Bagels. [Tramples to Harvey's desk] What kind should I have?!

Harvey Birdman

I'm uncertain.

Potamus

I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or somethin' starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread iddn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands! What's that one, POPPY?!

Daddy?

Potamus

I love this job.

Where's daddy?

Potamus

Uh...he went on, uh...a...

Potamus

vaca...neymoon.

Vacaneymoon? With Aunt Phyllis? He didn't say anything about—

Potamus

They eloped. Silly kids.

But elopement's for the wedding, not the vacaneymoon.

Potamus

Be happy for them! It's a joyous time!

Well do you know when he'll be back? I need him to sign this...ugh Sex Ed permission slip for my community college.

Potamus

He just said "Co-co butter"...and like that...he was gone.

Hey! You don't have the authority to hire people!

Potamus

Oh yeah? [leans out the window where below, an attractive girl walks past] Hey HA-HAs! You're hired!

You see, I had to give up my last job so I could take care of my mother. And then there's the lunch money that I've been sending to the African schoolchildren. So how much is my raise?

Harvey

20%

Nothing! In fact, you're fired! Ka-Downsized! You spend five hours a day Googling pictures of kittens in rain boots! Get out!

How could you DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!

Potamus

...and the school kids.

Harvey

It was Phil!

HOW DARE YOU BLAME A DEAD MAN, YOU BASTARD!!!

Phil

Peter Potamus... Phil Ken Sebben.

Potamus

Mr. President what an honor.

Phil

Listen, I'm wondering if you'd be interested in bringing your brand of populous shadily financed wisdom here to D.C. to join my administration.

Potamus

Can I still speak truth to power, except when truth becomes inconvenient to power?

Phil

Get out here you!