Joker quotes from Harley Quinn

The Joker

You think I made a hard choice? Wrong. I'm only running for mayor for my family. And I'll quit for my family just as easily.

The Joker

Everyone knows if you don't kill a hostage in the first 24 days, it's never gonna happen.

Bane

Harley is at Penguin's nephew's bar mitzvah.

Joker

She crashed the stupid thing?!

Bane

Yeah, seems like she's doing pretty well. Brought a tiger. Pretty cool.

Joker

What?! Anyone can buy a tiger! You know she has HPV, right?

Bane

Hey, most sexually active adults do.

Joker

SHUT UP!

Joker

BANE! Quit dicking around with Kite Man and get those two!

Bane

But he was attacking me.

Joker

With what?! A KITE?! Just do what I tell you, you dumb, freakish monster!

Harley Quinn

Bane, why are you letting him talk to you like that? [to the other villains] In fact, why do any of you let him talk to you like that? He doesn't even have powers! His only power is bullying you into doing what he wants. I should know. He did it to me for years.

Joker

Don't listen to her! She's nothing!

Bane

She makes a good point. I don't like how you called me a monster.

Scarecrow

Yeah, that was pretty harsh...

Two-Face

Oh yeah...

Joker

Oh my God, it's just an expression!

Bane

Also, let's talk about dinner! I selected the beef well in advance and you stole it from me! You said you didn't even want to come to this "stupid thing!"

Bane

My feelings exactly! This is a monumental night for young Joshua!

The Joker

Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.

Batman

That's really reductive.

The Joker

What is wrong with me?

Batman

You're a sociopathic narcissist!

The Joker

It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

The Joker

The storybook is real? Where is it?

Harley Quinn

I don't know, but I think you do. Are you sure you can't just remember?

The Joker

It's like I see the book, but… everything else is cloudy.

Harley Quinn

That's disappointing because I really, really, really don't wanna have to do this.

The Joker

Do what?

Harley Quinn

I'll be seein' ya soon, Mistah J.

That's fuckin' ridiculous.

The Joker

Is it any more ridiculous than pointing that gun at my face? The gun you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about? The gun you've never loaded or shot in your life? [The Joker takes the gun away] Soy yo, pudding.

Mi corazon.

Superman! Dad, we're saved!

The Joker

Oh no, it's just Gordon. Keep screaming, son.

Harley Quinn

You're disgusthing. All this destruction and mayhem for what? Do you really like this?

Mistah J likes it. Whatever he likes, I like.

Harley Quinn

Oh, and that accent. Oh, my God! So heavy, girl. Ease it down.

Who do you think you are?

Harley Quinn

Not you. Not anymore. Someday you'll get with the love of your life and realize how foolish you've been all those years.

The Joker

Too bad, you'll miss the wedding.

Harley Quinn

We haven't talked about marriage YET.

Joker

[At kitchen table with Bethany, Benicio and Sophia] Thank you, uh, for gathering for this family meeting. I have a big announcement. It's muy importante.

So embarassing. Just speak full Spanish or full English.

Joker

My bad. Lo siento.

Dad!

Joker

Kids, Bethany, mi amor. [Rises up with hands in air] I'm going to back to villainy!

Ay, pero, this is a big change. The kids just got used to the chore wheel.

Screw the chore wheel.

What about our health insurance?

Joker

I'll blow up any hospital that sends us a bill.

Will you blow up my PE coach?

Can I have some poison gas for my science project? [Joker laughs maniacally]

There's a cashier at More For Lex who's never told me to have a nice day.

Joker

So it's settled! Who wants to go steal some soft serve?

Yeah! [Bethany starts maniacally laughing with Benicio and Sophia joining in then Joker all standing up with same outspread claw hands]

Good to have you back in the poker game! An evil game!

Doctor Psycho

Killing Nightwing. Very tight!

Joker

Moral politics was fun! But you can't change the soul of a villain!

Doctor Psycho

So quotable, you're going to slay on my podcast!

Joker

[Answers phone] Excuse me. James Corden.

Doctor Psycho

Don't cover the phone. I know Corden.

Joker

Oh, you want me to host one of your little musical-comedy traffic jams? Co-host. Hmm? Yeah. Sharing isn't really my thing. Little shit is trying to leach off my comeback.

Doctor Psycho

God, he's a needy motherfucker.

Joker

Oh, it's my deal. Gotta go. Bye bye. [Wins the jackpot] It's good to be back boys. [Hugs the jackpot] House always wins.