Grunkle Stan, I know you're not crazy about Waddles.
He's a fat, naked jerk.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Mabel discovers Waddles is missing.]
Waddles! Waddles! Oh, no! How did this happen? Grunkle Stan, you didn't put him outside?
What? No, I didn't put him anywhere. I'm not acting suspicious. You're acting suspicious! What's a pig?!
I should have put that pig outside ages ago.
Wait, what did you just say?
Hm? What's that?
You said the dinosaur flew INTO the house. [gasps]
No! Wait, uh, if you think about it-
You put Waddles outside, then you lied to me about it! And now thanks to you, my pig could be dead! WADDLES COULD BE DEAD!
Look, he's an animal. He belongs outside.
No, that's it. Grunkle Stan, I am never ever speaking to you again.
Look, you can't be serious.
Oh, is someone talking right now? Because I can't hear them.
Kid.
[plugging her ears and walking away from her uncle] La la la la la! I can't hear anyone. No one's talking to me.
[Stan and Waddles hide from the pterodactyl under a giant mushroom]
The dumb thing must be hungry. I guess it's you or me, pig. What are you looking at? Aw, come on, don't give me that look. What am I supposed to do, let it eat me? Oh, I get it. You're trying to guilt me. Well, it ain't working, pal. Who cares if you're Mabel's favorite thing in the world? I can live without the kid talking to me all the time. Telling me her jokes. Making me laugh.
[Waddles snorts and cocks his head]
[chuckles, then hears the pterodactyl] Aw, dang it. [as the pterodactyl flies straight for them] Well, this is just about the dumbest thing I've ever done. [dons the "Huggy Wuvvy Tummy Bundle" and puts Waddles in it] You want this pig?! THEN YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THROUGH ME, YOU FLYING DEVIL! COME AND GET ME!
Oh! Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back. Name's Bill Cipher, and I take it you're some kind of living ventriloquist dummy? [laughs] I'm just kidding, I know who you are, Gideon.
W-what are you? H-how do you know my name?
Oh, I know lots of things. LOTS OF THINGS. Hey, look what I can do. [magically pulls the teeth from a nearby deer's mouth, and drops them into Gideon's hands] Deer teeth. For you, kid. [laughs]
You're insane!
Sure I am, what's your point? [restores the teeth to the deer, which runs away]
Listen to me, demon! I have a job for you. I need you to enter the mind of Stanford Pines and steal the code to his safe. [Mabel and Soos gasp]
[Laughs] Wait... Stan Pines? You know what, kid? You've convinced me! I'm sold! I'll help you with this and in return you can help me with something I've been working on! We'll work out the details later.
Deal!
Well, time to invade Stan's mind! This should be fun! Remember: reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold. Bye!
[In a memory of Stan as a door-to-door salesman]
Sir, would you like to buy a Stan-Vac vacuum? Stan-Vac: It sucks more than anything. [door slams shut] Gotta work on that.
One nightmare, coming up!
Nightmare? I hope he doesn't mean that British dog-man I'm always dreaming about.
BDBritish Dog-Man
[appears] 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Who's crike for a stick in the pudding?
I gotta hand it to you kids. You're a lot more clever than I gave you credit for. Especially the fat one.
[whispering to Mabel] He's talking about you.
So I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. BUT KNOW THIS! A darkness approaches. A time is coming in the future where everything you care about will change. Until then, I'll be watching you! I'll be watching you...!
[Jeff the Gnome is bathing in a tub full of squirrels.]
JJeff
This is normal. This is normal for gnomes. Scrub, scrub.
What if we told you we could find you a new queen? One even more beautiful than me.
Her name is Gideon, and she has lovely white hair.
JJeff
Hmmm, mature woman, huh? Shmebulock, get my cologne.
[Shmebulock jumps out from behind a tree, cologne in hand.]
SShmebulock
Shmebulock.
JJeff
Is "Shmebulock" all you can say?
SShmebulock
[nodding "yes"] Shmebulock.
Well Stan, this is it. Rock bottom, no friends, no family, stuck watching infomercials for whatever that is.
AAnnouncer
Are you sick of piles of owls constantly blocking your driveway? Well, then you gotta get Owl Trowel.
[Gideon finds Dipper's journal.]
Gimme that back or I'll-
Or you'll what, boy? You'll what? Huh, huh? No muscles, no brains. Face it, you're nothin' without this.
Watier, give me a glass of the cheapest, most expired apple cider you've got.
Right away, Mr. Pines.
Soos? What are you doing here?
Ever since the Mystery Shack closed, I've had to take a bunch of part-time jobs - grave digger, bus driver, really awesome cook. Is the kitchen supposed to have that much fire in it?
[Soos runs in with a fire extinguisher.]
You're a good man..child, Soos. But it's not looking good. The whole town loves Gideon and hates me. If only they knew how evil he really was!
Hey, I'm here for you, dude.
The entire lower half of your body is on fire.
Shhh, we're having a moment.
Wait. Wait. Stop everything. I’ve got something to say.
Not this guy again.
Just wait! Look! You guys all think Gideon is so perfect and honest, "Oh. I can never tell a lie, I’m Gideon."
He’s more honest than you.
Yeah! And he’s psychic too.
How’s this for psychic? BAM! [kicks a metal stab revealing a control panel inside] Take a good look.
Wait a minute? Is that me? [on the monitor] The secret ingredient to my coffee omelette is coffee.
TToby
And me.
DDoctor
[on the monitor] I can verify that that birthmark is indeed disgusting.
EEveryone
That’s me! That’s me! That’s me!
That's right; these pins are hidden cameras! And my hearing aid was picking up the feedback! Who's the fraud now?
[Stan crushes the pin which indeed has a hidden camera inside. Everyone throws down their pins]
Gideon, we gave you our trust.
MDManly Dan
You lied to us.
Please, I... It's not what it looks like. What are you gonna do with me?
Tyler?
Get him. [sniffs] Get him.
Lil' Gideon, you are under arrest for conspiracy, fraud and breaking our hearts. Durland, the tiny handcuffs.
[Durland handcuffs him] What?! No!
Just one more thing!
[Stan picks him up and shakes him] Let go of me! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[retrieves Journal Number Two and the deed to the Mystery Shack] I believe this belongs to me.
[gets loaded into a police car] No! No! Watch the hair! You can't do this to me! Y'all are sheep! You need me! I'll be back! You'll hear from my lawyers!
SShandra
There you have it. Local hero Stanford Pines has just exposed Li'l Gideon as a fraud. Anything you have to say to the town, Stanford?
The Mystery Shack is back, baby!
Hey, Grunkle Stan? Me and Mabel have been talking, And I think there's something we should finally tell you. This is a journal I found in the woods. [Hands Journal 3 to Stan] It talks about all the crazy stuff that goes on in Gravity Falls. Gideon nearly destroyed the whole town trying to find it. I don't know what it means, or who wrote it. But, after all we've been through, maybe you should finally know about it.
[Stan skims through the book]
I'm glad you showed me this, Dipper. [laughs] Now I know where you've been getting it all from. Spookums and monsters. This kooky book has been filling your head with crazy conspiracies.
But it's all real.
Haha. You gotta quit readin' this fantasy nonsense for your own good. Although some of these would make great attractions. Can't come up with this stuff. Mind if I borrow this?
Wait, no. Grunkle Stan.
"Magic book." [laughs more] Ridiculous. [leaves with the book]
Stan, I need it!
Dipper, you don't need that book! Don't you see? On your own you defeated a giant robot with nothing but your bare hands. You're a hero whether you've got that journal or not.
Whoa. Thanks, Mabel. I still want it back though.
I'm sure you'll get it back. What would a boring old man like Stan want with that book anyway?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gravity Falls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.