Jesse St. James quotes from Glee

See you punks at Regionals. [He leaves the stage.]

Jesse

[Shocked] They did a funk number. [To Giselle who's sitting next to him] We've never been able to pull off a funk number.

Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.

Jesse

I'm so depressed.

Jesse

It's good to see you again, Rachel.

Rachel

Jesse... what are you doing here?

Jesse

I mean, how I was supposed to know that I was actually supposed to show to those other classes in school? I was majoring in show choir. I just assumed it would be like in Carmel and the school would get some Asian kid to take Math, English and scientific for me.

Rachel

That's awful.

Jesse

I came back to see you, Rachel. What I did to you... It's my one great regret.

Rachel

Yeah... It was kinda weird. One day you're telling me you loved me, and you were inexplicably throwing eggs at my head the next.

Jesse

I know, I know. I traded love for a fourth consecutive National championship. It was a bum deal. For a first maybe but for a fourth, no way. I've come to make amends. So... What are you doing for prom?

Jesse

They say that the best time to start any business is during a recession. I don't know why or even what a recession is, but it's my understanding that we're in one.

Rachel

He's so smart, I can't believe he flunked out of college.

Finn

Hey, Jesse. What'd you order, scrambled eggs? I mean, I know you usually like them served on people's heads.

Jesse

Quinn, you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'd be more than happy to cut in.

Finn

[pushes Jesse off Rachel] Hey! Dude, keep it PG.

Jesse

Dude, it's none of YB, your business.

Finn

Well this is my school so it is my business.

Jesse

Well, this isn't your girlfriend so beat it, MJ.

Finn

How do we know he's not gonna trick us into doing something stupid so his alma mater wins?

Jesse

I don't think I need to do much tricking to make you do something stupid, Finn.

Jesse

I was writing notes about how you didn't have enough emotion in the song.

Santana

Oh, is that so? Well I happen to have some feedback for you!

Will

Thank you, Santana.

Santana

I'm about to go all Lima Heights on you.

Jesse

You do know that song was meant? to be sung by a woman, right?

Kurt

Yes, I'm aware.

Jesse

Rachel, in your head, are you singing to anyone in particular?

Rachel

Not really.

Jesse

[looks disappointed] Oh.

Jesse

I couldn't stay away.

Will

From the show, or her?

Jesse

Was that scripted?

Will

No.

Rachel

I think we were good.

Finn

Good? We were amazing!

Rachel

The kiss was... interesting.

Finn

Yeah, I'm calling it the kiss of the century-

Jesse

You're wrong, Finn. That kiss was unprofessional. It was too personal and intense. The judges won't like it. They'll consider it common and vulgar and will cost you nationals. Hi Rachel, you look amazing and you sounded great. You just shouldn't have kissed him.

Rachel

Why are you here Jesse?

Jesse

For you.

Finn

Dude, back off; you're just jealous. Jealous of what we have, and what we shared with the entire audience because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses! It came with its own cape, right Rachel?

Jesse St. James

Looking for what is left of your dignity?

Rachel Berry

Nice to see you too, Jesse.

Jesse St. James

If I were you, I'd spend more time focusing on how you're gonna wrap up fourth place than looking for her. There's no way how Carmen Tibideaux is coming here.

Rachel Berry

Wait, how do you know about Carmen?

Jesse St. James

It's my place just to know everything that's going on with my competition. I'm always looking for that extra edge. I'd hate to think you'd pull the same choke job up there today.

Rachel Berry

Look, I know exactly what you're doing, okay? We didn't date for that long, and I don't even know exactly how much of it was real, but when you get nervous, you get mean, then really pale, then you start putting your hands through your hair like Danny Zucko.

Jesse St. James

Look, you have no idea the kind of pressure I'm in here. Last year Vocal Adrenaline lost for the first time in eight years. If we lose again this year, that's it, the dynasty is over. The mystique that we use in order to intimidate our opponents will vanish. I promised them I'd reboot the program, I'll be humiliated.

Rachel Berry

You did help the program. What you did with Unique was amazing!

Jesse St. James

That was a pretty inspired idea of mine.

Rachel Berry

It was actually Kurt's and Mercedes' idea, but...

Jesse St. James

... But I implemented it. I just think that these new rules are messing with my head. 33% of the numbers have be vintage? What does that even mean? The only thing vintage about me is my Tyrone Powers haircut and my pager.

Rachel Berry

Are you forgetting who you are, Jesse? Your Bohemian Rhapsody was like the benchmark performance for every showchoir competition in the past ten years.

Jesse St. James

Most people don't realize I lost ten pounds during that performance.

Rachel Berry

You guys are going to do great today. Even though we're definitely going to win.

Jesse St. James

Cocky all of a sudden. I like it.

Jesse St. James

Excuse me, Mrs. Tibideaux? I'm Jesse St. James, coach of Vocal Adrenaline. I auditioned to you two years ago. You said I showed promise.

And you probably did. I see hundreds of people every day. Good day to you.

Jesse St. James

No, I'm not here for me. I heard that you came here today to see Rachel Berry. And there's something you need to know about her. Rachel's the most talented person I've ever met. Bar none. If anyone is going to be a star someday, it's her. She'll make an excellent contribution to NYADA. You won't regret it, I promise.

Rachel Berry

Well, Jesse St. James. (Jesse hums, smirking pleased) What you're doing here?

Jesse St. James

I'm fromhere, remember? And I'm just in town for a couple of days, my mom's getting a tummy tuck and a little eye-work done, so I thought she could use a little help around the house. The real question is, Rachel Berry, what are you doing here?

Rachel Berry

What... I'm coaching the glee club! Yeah, we're-we're cramming for sectionals right now, so...

Jesse St. James

Well, I heard you were offered a new role in the Russell Simmons' musical opposite one of Broadway's hottest up-and-coming young actors, but that the producers are still waiting to hear back from you.

Rachel Berry

Wait, how do you know that?

Jesse St. James

Because I am the hot up-and-coming young actor you're going to play opposite of.

Rachel Berry

(obviously excited) You're playing Tino?!

Jesse St. James

The Iraqi war vet who was discharged for covering the American embassy with the graffiti that he used to make him a famous Philly street artist and when he comes home, crippled with PTSD, it's only his love of hip-hop that can save his life? (Rachel nods, grinning) Yeah.