Otae quotes from Gin Tama

Otae

It seems like the base is ready. The rice should also…[pan to Kagura eating the rice out of the rice cooker]

Shinpachi

Hey!! The dish isn’t done! You’re not supposed to eat the rice yet!

Kagura

Can I have another helping?

Shinpachi

This is such a disaster…

Gintoki

Oi, oi, What did you do? We don’t have anymore rice here now…

Otae

I thought something like this would happen, so I’ve already prepared the completed dish.

Shinpachi

It can’t be…

Gintoki

It’s not some burnt eggs, is it? [They open the box to a disembodied scream. There are charred eggs inside.] I knew it…

Kagura

Do we really have to eat this?

Otae

People with such unfriendly attitude is known around here as "men that nobody would like to date" [matomo ni dakaretakunai otoko], or more abbreviatedly, madao, sir.

Kondo

[popping up suddenly] HOLD ON!!! What's the meaning of this??? So if a man is friendly, it's a man who Otae-san would really like to date [maji de dakaetai otoko], or in short, a madao-- [gets knocked out by a tray thrown by Otae at his face].

Shinpachi

S-sister! What are you doing?! You were gonna kill your own brother?!

Otae

Oh. It's you, Shinpachi.

Shinpachi

Stefan... There's a hole in Stefan's belly!

Otae

Don't come home at a time like this. You got me confused.

Shinpachi

N-not to come home? How can you say that to your dear little brother?

Otae

[with a deep, angry tone.] Damn it. Do you realize all the trouble I've been through while you were away?

Shinpachi

Sister, your personality changed completely! What's going on?

Otae

[grabs the plushie with enough force to tear it apart.] What's going on, you ask? The more I recall it, the more furious I get!!! [rips open the plushie.]

Shinpachi

Aah! Stefan! Wasn't he supposed to be part of this episode's plot?!

Gintoki

Regardless, our ancestors never paid no mind to underwear, nor did they wear it. In other words, one could do whatever they liked. Even the princesses were valiant like generals under their kimonos!

Shinpachi

That's actually not a bad contradiction.

Gintoki

Even when they seemed docile on the outside, they still were like a shogun on the inside. Or barbarians in-- [Otae interrupts him by punching his face.]

Otae

[deep, serious voice.] I don't want you to bother me with your "no underwear" theories. That darned thief stole my favorite "battle panties", the pervert!

Gintoki

"Battle panties"? You planned to fight somebody?

Otae

Exactly. I may need my full strength to settle the score. Never judge a book by its cover.

Gintoki

[still with Otae's fist buried on his face.] And what will that get you? Would it satisfy you to get revenge in a duel to the death just to recover something you lost? Is that acceptable, if only to recover your panties?

Otae

[with an evil smile.] It's not just the panties. I'll catch him and make him bleed.

Shinpachi

Sister...!

Gintoki

That's not something a civilized, panty-wearing girl would say. I'd say that's the kind of thing you'd expect from a naked hunter from centuries ago.

Kagura

Panty thieves are every woman's enemy! I'm willing to lend you my strength for this cause, Boss [Otae]!

Otae

[in her usual gentle tone.] Oh my, Kagura-chan. [back to the deep, vengeful tone.] Well said. Come on, let's drink to celebrate this sisterly relationship.

Kagura

[also with a deeper voice.] Okay.

Shinpachi

W-wait! You'll end up killing somebody!

Otae

[holding up a pair of sparkly, fuchsia panties.] I'll use my "battle panties" as bait! They're strong and energetic, just like being punched by a cat!

Kondo

Punched by a cat... [blood spurts from his nose as he falls over.]

Gintoki

Hang on, that's too much. No man would resist that. All of them would be drawn in.

Otae

Hmm... [holds up a pair of beige panties with a teddy bear's head printed on it] How about these then? If I had to describe them, I'd call them a "crimson knockout".

Kondo

Crimson knockout... [more blood spurts from his nose and he falls down again.]

Gintoki

No, no, no. That would attract all perverts.

Shinpachi

Couldn't you think of her brother, who's seen so much of his sister's underwear that he's grown desensitized to it? Kind of like a romantic scene that causes constipation when you watch a drama with your family.

Kagura

And thus, a kid climbs the mountain towards maturity.

Shinpachi

You! Stop jumping to conclusions!

Okita

Seeing your sister's panties is no big deal. Hijikata-san once caught his dad wearing a bra.

Gintoki

I see. The impact from that incident was what made him "cross the street".

Hijikata

No it wasn't!

Otae

[furiously] I'm staking my life for my panties! If you got enough time to talk, you got time to work too, lazy-asses!

[frightened] Uh... yes!

Kagura

Sister, you're sooo cool!

Otae

Shin-chan. It's just like you said, this is a battlefield. If you're here just to fool around, then go home.

Shinpachi

Sister... The matter is, here is my home.

Hijikata

Well said. The battlefield is your home.

Shinpachi

Ergh... No, that's not what I meant...

Hijikata

By ignoring your many flaws, your determination gets strenghtened to defeat an unknown evil. Oh, it brings me back.

Shinpachi

Eh? Many flaws?

Otae

[pushing her naginata against Shinpachi] Yeah. Even if you have to skewer your enemy completely.

Hijikata

Better yet, tear him to bits.

Otae

[against a dreamy background] Break him apart.

Hijikata

[against the same background] Dismember him and stomp him down.

Shinpachi

[cuts in between them, making the background disappear] Heeey! You're getting me scared!

Shinpachi

Maybe he's not coming today? No, not just today. Maybe never...

Gintoki

It's okay. He will come.

Shinpachi

What basis do you have to affirm that?

Kagura

There's some very precious panties out there just waiting to be snatched away! There's no way a panty thief would let this opportunity slide!

Shinpachi

But that's just too obvious. The more you look into it, it still looks like a trap!

Otae

Shin-chan... When a thief gets into scrapes to get what he wants, he can be even more daring.

Shinpachi

Why are you giving the thief a personality? What if he's a coward?

Okita

Does it matter who it is? We'll just catch someone nearby, pass him off and it's done.

Hijikata

If all of us tell the same story, no one will know it.

Shinpachi

What do you mean, "someone nearby"? And "if we tell the same story"?!

Gintoki

Oi, oi, stop screaming. If the thief listens to you, all our effort will go down the drain.

Shinpachi

Well, guess what, you may get lost, what with all this heat!

Gintoki

What the hell did you say, jackass? [grabs Shinpachi violently] You want me to help with your contact lenses?

Otae

[gets pushed back by the ruckus, then starts hitting Shinpachi on the head with the butt of her naginata] Stop this, you two!

Shinpachi

I'm supposed to be the guy wearing glasses in this anime!!!

Okita

You think they need help?

Hijikata

I can guess how this fight will end. They'll just continue until someone can go no further.

Kagura

My fist is getting furious, too!!! Someone better feed it blood!!!

Kondo

C'mon, stop it, stop it. We shouldn't be fighting. [sighs] I'm sure everyone's stressed due to the heat. Let's take a rest then--

Gintoki

[off-screen] Shut up, loser!

Otae

[off-screen] Shut up, deadbeat!

Kagura

[off-screen] Shut up, Hanarari-kun!

Hijikata

[off-screen] Shut up, Miso bun!

Okita

[off-screen] Shut up, gorilla.

Kondo

[crying like a girl] I'm sure it's the heat! It's all because of he heat! [normally] Well, I'll go buy some refreshments. I'm sure that'll calm you down.

Kagura

[still fighting] I want an azuki ice cream!

Gintoki

[still fighting] To me, something like coffee ice cream!

Otae

[still fighting] Bargain Dash (spoof of Häagen-Dazs) for me!

Okita

[still fighting, but calmly] Some jungle flavor will do.

Hijikata

[still fighting] A dish of veal with a pound of mayonnaise over it!

Shinpachi

[still fighting] Uh... tea!

Kondo

Okay, I'll go get your orders. Be nice!

Kondo

Damn, can't get nothing done without them...

Otae

[looking at Kondo, who is laying in a crater] Look, Kondo-san's been blown up.

Kagura

Seems so.

Hijikata

I wonder if it was the heat.

Gintoki

No way. He must've stepped on a landmine. What a dumbass, couldn't he remember where he buried them? [everyone starts laughing]

Shinpachi

Huh? Wait a second. [staring at the empty yard] Does anyone here remember where they are buried?

Otae

That's a problem. The paperboy will be blown up tomorrow.

Shinpachi

Now you say that!?

Kondo

Noooo! [the thief kicks him away.]

[laughing] He who laughs last, laughs best!

Otae

Don't you... [stomps on Gintoki's head to jump up high.]

What?!

Otae

...MAKE LIGHT OF WOMEN!!! [descends, attacking the thief, who releases the panties and kneels in defeat. Otae catches the panties as they come down.] Someone who is afraid to show his face has no right to possess my panties. If you really want them, you should knock on the front door and ask straight to me. And take it seriously, too.