Kondo quotes from Gin Tama

Gintoki

How nice...it's sunset. Duels should be fought in the evening.

Kondo

You've got a silver tongue, for a silver-headed perm boy.

Gintoki

You're pretty articulate yourself, for a gorilla.

Kondo

I'm not a gorilla! I may look like a gorilla, but I'm not!

Kondo

[to Gintoki] You're a good man. No, you're an honorable man. Kid, lend me your bokuto.

Gintoki

You're a good man too. Use that, my pride and joy, the Touya-ko.

Gintoki

It would be stupid for anyone to lose anything over a matter like this. This was the best way to settle it painlessly.

Kondo

[on the ground, beaten up] This is painless?

Kondo

Cut it out, girls! Our teacher is trying his best to find out who did this! Sensei, use mine! Even if you get your spit on it, I have two!

Gintoki

[slightly menacing] Why do you have two of them...

Kondo

Wait, please. Just a minu...Ahhhh! It's so out of tuuuuune!

Shinpachi

[over Gintoki playing Kondo's recorder] Sensei, may I go to the nurse's office?

Okita

He’s an interesting man. I’d like to cross swords with him myself.

Kondo

Don’t bother. He’d kick your ass, Sougou. He’s the kind of guy who’s fighting another battle far away, even as a sword swings at his throat. Fair or unfair, it doesn’t matter to him.

Hijikata

Don’t make light of your work, asshole.

Okita

When have I been making light of my work? The only thing I’ve been making light of is you, Hijikata-san!

Hijikata

Fine, let’s take this outside, bitch!

Kondo

[hits them] What the hell are you retards doing during work? What the fuck? You think this is a goddamn fieldtrip? Get your heads out of your asses!

[hits Kondo] You’re the noisiest of them all, ribbit.

Kondo

Even though she’s a princess, she’s still a little girl. I’m sure she still has problems with her dad’s body odor or his weird looks.

Hijikata

She just has problems with her dad?

Okita

Anyway, it’s going to be pretty tough to find her. How about we just throw a party here to lure her out?

Hijikata

That’d only happen in a fairy tale. You’re the only one who’d fall for that!

Kondo

Wait a minute, Sougou! What do you think you’re doing with that cannon?!

Okita

I’m not that great at standing around doing nothing.

Kondo

Wait! What if you hit the princess?!

Okita

That wouldn’t happen. After all, I used to be a sniper.

Kondo

Wasn’t that just a goal?!

Okita

It’s better to work towards your dreams then let them wither away.

Otae

People with such unfriendly attitude is known around here as "men that nobody would like to date" [matomo ni dakaretakunai otoko], or more abbreviatedly, madao, sir.

Kondo

[popping up suddenly] HOLD ON!!! What's the meaning of this??? So if a man is friendly, it's a man who Otae-san would really like to date [maji de dakaetai otoko], or in short, a madao-- [gets knocked out by a tray thrown by Otae at his face].

Kondo

[dramatically] Oh no! My famous Kotetsu sword is broken! That cannot be!!! Toushi... My Kotetsu... Impossible!

Hijikata

Shut up! This is no time to talk about it!

Kondo

But I'm still paying its benefits... It can't be!

Shinpachi

We're done for. They [Otae and Kagura] just assembled an axis of evil.

Gintoki

Leave 'em. Think about it. Isn't the culprit clear by now?

Shinpachi

Eh? Who could it be? [suddenly glares downward. The scene pans to show Kondo lying under the table.]

Kondo

[whispering] Uh? I've been discovered? Couldn't be... But, uh... They must've spotted me. Ah! I've been caught! What's that?! You think I'm the thief?! [tries to stand, only to bang his head against the table.] A samurai of my class would never lower himself to steal women's panties!

Gintoki

A samurai would never live his life stalking people either.

Kondo

Even if I was a stalker, I'd never be a panty thief! I'll sue you, bastards!

Shinpachi

It's you who should be sued here.

Gintoki

Oh. So that's they story behind these panties. I always thought they were a gift from Santa.

Shinpachi

Santa giving you panties? This isn't even Christmas time for God's sake!!!

Gintoki

Shut up! The Santa Claus of Kabuki-cho works all year!

Kondo

[laughing] It comes to show how unpopular you are with girls! You're pathetic!

Shinpachi

Yeah, I see. There's a proof that you, too, aren't popular with girls sticking out just like a sore thumb. [indeed, Kondo has a pair of panties halfway outside his coat. He notices and quickly covers it.]

Kondo

Agh! This... This isn't that thief's doing!

Shinpachi

Then you're even worse than the other guy...

Gintoki

[holding his panties with enough strength to almost tear them apart.] He's nothing but a pervert, but acts like a heroic thief! I cannot believe it... I just can't! [tears the panties.] How should he know I wasn't popular with the girls?!

Ah! The panties!!!

Gintoki

Here's the 35th Annual Panty Thief Capture Project! [everyone - Otae, Kagura, and many of the Shinsengumi members - celebrate.]

Shinpachi

[deadpan] "35th"? "Annual"?

Gintoki

And, along with you people, we have here the self-appointed director, Mr. Isao Kondo, to give us his opening speech. [Kondo steps up.]

Kondo

Well, the Shinsengumi is here to guard and protect the peace of the city. And what is peace? It is to make sure the people will live happily and free from disturbance! To assure the felicity of anyone under our care, we've sworn to make an even better peace! [Otae giggles, he blushes slightly.] That is why, Shinpachi-kun, protecting your sister's underwear is also in the Shinsengumi's mission!

Okita

Oh, that's just like the boss to use such an excuse. What a genius.

Kondo

Hey!!!

Otae

[holding up a pair of sparkly, fuchsia panties.] I'll use my "battle panties" as bait! They're strong and energetic, just like being punched by a cat!

Kondo

Punched by a cat... [blood spurts from his nose as he falls over.]

Gintoki

Hang on, that's too much. No man would resist that. All of them would be drawn in.

Otae

Hmm... [holds up a pair of beige panties with a teddy bear's head printed on it] How about these then? If I had to describe them, I'd call them a "crimson knockout".

Kondo

Crimson knockout... [more blood spurts from his nose and he falls down again.]

Gintoki

No, no, no. That would attract all perverts.