KondoC'mon, stop it, stop it. We shouldn't be fighting. [sighs] I'm sure everyone's stressed due to the heat. Let's take a rest then--
[off-screen] Shut up, loser!
[off-screen] Shut up, deadbeat!
[off-screen] Shut up, Hanarari-kun!
[off-screen] Shut up, Miso bun!
[off-screen] Shut up, gorilla.
Kondo
[crying like a girl] I'm sure it's the heat! It's all because of he heat! [normally] Well, I'll go buy some refreshments. I'm sure that'll calm you down.
[still fighting] I want an azuki ice cream!
[still fighting] To me, something like coffee ice cream!
[still fighting] Bargain Dash (spoof of Häagen-Dazs) for me!
[still fighting, but calmly] Some jungle flavor will do.
[still fighting] A dish of veal with a pound of mayonnaise over it!
[still fighting] Uh... tea!
Kondo
Okay, I'll go get your orders. Be nice!
Kondo
Damn, can't get nothing done without them...
[steps on a mine. The explosion breaks up the fight.]
[looking at Kondo, who is laying in a crater] Look, Kondo-san's been blown up.
I wonder if it was the heat.
No way. He must've stepped on a landmine. What a dumbass, couldn't he remember where he buried them? [everyone starts laughing]
Huh? Wait a second. [staring at the empty yard] Does anyone here remember where they are buried?
That's a problem. The paperboy will be blown up tomorrow.
[Gintoki had tried to attack the thief, but stepped on a landmine.]
Kondo
Noooo! [the thief kicks him away.]
[laughing] He who laughs last, laughs best!
[Otae jumps out from the bushes and charges at the thief with her naginata.]
Don't you... [stomps on Gintoki's head to jump up high.]
...MAKE LIGHT OF WOMEN!!! [descends, attacking the thief, who releases the panties and kneels in defeat. Otae catches the panties as they come down.] Someone who is afraid to show his face has no right to possess my panties. If you really want them, you should knock on the front door and ask straight to me. And take it seriously, too.
It's gotta be a joke, the great Shinsengumi scared and confined to bed. It's so embarrassing, I'll hardly show my face in public again. Pitiful.
Kondo
Toushi! It was different for me! It was the mayonnaise that scared me!
Kondo
You should not talk the spirits down, lest you'd face a string of bad luck, Toushi. For example, this house is haunted. Some ghost must have taken it over.
[he remembers the apparition he saw the night before]
[Yamazaki has brought in a trio of exorcists - really, the Yorozuya crew in disguise. Kagura is wearing shades and a Chinese hat, Gintoki has his face bandaged and wears a kasa, and Shinpachi has a fake nose and mustache and uses a headwrap]
Who are these guys, a circus troupe?
Kondo
No. We hired them to exorcise the building.
Hey, hey, you gotta be kidding me. These guys look pretty odd...
Oh! There's something on your back, sir!
[Kagura and Gintoki whisper to each other]
I agree. Looks like he's beyond saving.
Can I kill them, Commander? Can I?
What kind of spirit could it be, gorilla?
Kondo
It got him too!
Well... Factory supervisor.
[Gintoki punches Kagura]
Yeah, well... It's the spirit of a factory supervisor who died when he was caught on a conveyor belt!
Kondo
Uh... But all our men said they saw a woman.
He put it wrong. It's the spirit of a woman who committed suicide, and who looked like a factory supervisor who died when he was caught on a conveyor belt!
That's too complicated! Besides, what kind of factory supervisor haunts people?
Uh, how will you do the exorcism?
What? Anybody could do that!
[Kagura punches him in the gut, knocking him unconscious.]
Yes! It's in! The spirit's in him now!
The way I see it, it looked more like a body blow than a spirit.
[pretending to be the spirit by manipulating Yamazaki's unconscious body] No, you're wrong, I'm in here! Well, everyone, it was entirely my fault that the factory...
Kondo
Heyyy! Isn't that the factory supervisor?!
We could cut you up, but we have no time for that right now. Buzz off.
Oh? I think you don't wanna hurt us because you're afraid of ghosts, right?
Poor fella, you want me to walk you to the bathroom?
Kondo
Are you mocking the samurai?? [to Kagura] Please, walk me to the bathroom!
You're actually asking them??
Kondo
Actually, I'm so afraid of going to the bathroom I was holding it in.
MMatsudaira
Get up you Gorilla dumbass! If you don't stand up in 3 seconds, I'll blow your brains out!
MMatsudaira
Say... one! [fires gun at Kondo]
Kondo
What happened to two and three?!
MMatsudaira
I don't need those numbers. Number "one" is all a man needs to live.
Kondo
Sakata-san. We're gonna start working again.
Ah, oops. Well then, time for me to... [turns to leave]
Kondo
Sakata-san, will you take a look at my Justaway?
[turns back and sees Kondo and Gintoki]
Kondo
So what do you think of it?
Hm... maybe you could raise this part just a little bit, Gori-san.
[Gives Kondo a punch] What the hell are you saying?!
[on the phone] Hello? I have found the idiot. Yes, I'll bring him back right away.
Gori-san, wake up! Jimmy, what was that for? Gori-san, you know, is the same as me, he lost his memory. If you don't treat his head gently he'll lose consciousness right away! He's as delicate as a Nintendo!
[crushes his phone in shock] Amnesia?! Are you serious, Commander?! Even though you're an idiot, what sort of crazy situation have you gotten yourself into?! Even though you're an idiot!
That's too much, Jimmy! Idiots in their idiotic way have their own idiotic worries!
Enough! This is pathetic, this is a pain in the ass, you guys! Anyway, we'll go back together, Commander!
Kondo
[with tears in his eyes] Stop it! I've decided to become the number one Justaway craftsman in Edo! It doesn't matter what happens, I'll become number one, I promised the boss I would!
In that case, don't worry, you're the world's number one idiot. Now come on!
Kondo
I don't wanna, I don't wanna!
[A Justaway flies into the air by accident and explodes upon landing]
[Gintoki throws a huge barrel onto an advancing Mamushi, and Kondo throws a Justaway onto it to detonate it]
Hey! Didn't you guys say you weren't gonna fight him?! You went all out just now, didn't you!
Did we say something like that, Gori-san?
Kondo
It's no good, I can't remember. I have amnesia so...
That's some convenient amnesia there, oi!
[At a soba restaurant, Mitsuba fills her bowl of soba with red pepper]
Kondo
Ah, wait, Mitsuba-dono! You shouldn't put so much red pepper! How many times do I have to tell you that it's bad for you?!
MMitsuba
But it tastes so much better!
Kondo
That's not the point! It's definitely bad for your health! It's completely red! Really, there's something wrong with the younger generation's sense of taste. Don't you agree, Toushi?
[Hijikata fills his bowl of soba with mayonnaise.]
Kondo
TOUSHI!! What are you doing?! What's that?! What are you eating?!
This is a flavor IT revolution.
Kondo
What are you saying?! What's that?! Who are you mimicking?!
Kondo
Hey, wait! Mitsuba-dono, don't eat that!
MMitsuba
I want to bring down public health insurance with what I eat!
Kondo
Eh? I don't get it! What is that anyway?!
Inside your mouth, it's rat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta, wonderful.
Kondo
Now who is it?! Hiroko? Masami?! Either way, it's disgusting!
Gin Tama · 485 quotes
