You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?
Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this and I don't remember the proper procedure. Now take me through this step by step. You see a man, you walk up to him, and you say...
No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.
So, Michel has been obsessed with these guests who he swears are the notorious bathrobe bandits from the Independence Inn. At least the moles match. So, apparently they were checking out, and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases, and they refused. So he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff, which, of course, went over really well. And when I got there, the wife was calling the cops and the husband was chasing Michel around with a golf club. It took a comped bill and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen to get them to drop the charges. Plus, Michel ripped his pants, and his underwear's pink and shiny.
[Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants.]
Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter.
I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.
[Rory and Anna sit in a classroom. Anna is dozing off.]
PBProf. Bell
Which brings us to this question, does Campbell's work successfully resolve the disparate stances of Jung and Freud when it comes to the collective unconscious?
Hey, pay attention. Professor Bell is one of the foremost philosophy professors in the country.
PBProf. Bell
[. . .] All right. Let's call that close enough. But, now, Campbell can point to the repetition of the hero myth in culture after culture and say "Hey, Sigmund, like it or not here are the same basic characters over and over -"
[Colin enters]
Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
PBProf. Bell
I'm right in the middle of a class, young man.
I know, I'm sorry, I just -- [Runs up to stand by Rory's desk.] Rory, you can't just walk out like that. Not after everything we've been through. You just left. I was still in bed. I mean what is that all about?
PBProf. Bell
Ok, you need to do this later.
I can't do this later. Rory I love you. I love you, dammit! How many times to I have to tell you? God! Just talk to me.
PB'Prof. Bell
Ok, out right now! Out! Just get -
[Logan enters.]
Colin! What are you doing, man?
Get the hell out of here!
She's with me now. I told you that. Let it go.
I will not let it go! Everything was fine until you came along!
Oh, don't blame me because you couldn't keep her.
I swear to god, I'm gonna kill you!
Oh, I'd love to see you try.
[Colin lungs at Logan. Boys begin fighting]
BProfessor Bell
Stop it! Stop it right now! Anthony, get security! It's not the time or the place for this. Break it up! Gentlemen! You are losing control! You are in a classroom.
[A piercing police whistle blows. Into the classroom walks Finn, dressed in a British bobby uniform.]
All right, that's enough. Break it up, you two. Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself! Toying with these boys like this. They used to have pride. They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Damn it, Gilmore! Give them back their balls.
[Sitting down at Rory and Anna's table] So, dull day, huh?
[To Rory] Someone's quiet.
Do you get the sense that she's mad at me?
Hey, Anna, why don't you head on over to the fro-yo social? You remember where it is, right?
AAnna
Yeah, but I just had three scoops of ice cream.
Kid, you're in college now, okay? Now, go get yourself some yogurt.
AAnna
Are you going to come, Logan?
[Looks at Rory] Uh, I'm not sure how well I'll be walking, here, in a minute, Anna.
Oh wait I've thought of some. Jerk. Ass. Arrogant inconsiderate, mindless frat-boy low-life buttfaced miscreant!
Why would you do something like that?!
I'm sorry, butt-faced miscreant?
Well, hello, boys. Nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident.
I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory.
Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine, as is the Dean of admissions. Well, you know in this place, news travels fast.
I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them.
However, what's done is done. It's out. So I dropped by to tell you that I have spoken to your father.
We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.
Okay, I think that there's been...
Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner for next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony. Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.
She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan... welcome to the family, son.
[Goes away to meet Rory inside the building. Rory runs towards him.]
I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it.
You're the best, Grandpa!
All right, who's next? Paris giving you any trouble?
Not anymore than usual. However, there is a girl in my modern poetry class who keeps kicking my chair.
Ah, I do love this place.
It's over—oh, yes, it is over!
Me and snow—we're through!
It was years of bliss, y'know. We had some good stuff and good times. I could show you pictures of the snow angels I made, but I am done. Done! […] I am with you now, buddy, a hundred percent.
Snow is nothing but annoying, icy, frozen water stuff that "falls out of the sky at inconvenient times"! It's Mother Nature's icy "Screw you, Lorelai Gilmore." […] [to some falling snow] Oh, no, no!, don't try to make up with me now! You and me are through! [swats hands at said snow] You—stupid—hate—you!
[Emily calls Richard from main house; in pool house, Richard picks up the phone]
There's a dog on the patio!
I'm sorry. You sound agitated.
Well, there's a dog on the patio.
Inside! Richard, do something!
I can't see it from here.
Well, he’s here nonetheless, and he’s looking at me! Richard, the dog is looking at me!
I’m holding, but what are we going to—Richard? [to the dog] Shoo! Shoo! [Richard is out on the patio; they continue talking on the phone.] Now do you believe me?
Well, I wasn't doubting you, Emily; I just couldn't see it.
Emily [pointing at the fire poker in his hand]: What is that?
Oh, you made it sound like it was a rabid beast, so I came prepared.
I don't see any froth on his mouth.
I see a collar but no tags. That isn't very smart.
You're getting too close.
Well, what should I do? It's freezing out here. We can't let it roam around.
Well it can't come into the house.
Why someone would fail to put a tag on a dog—
Take it to the pool house.
Well, that's why we have it.
We have a pool house for stray dogs? Love the innuendo, Emily. Fine. I will take him into the pool house.
Thank you, Richard. I came out and he was just sitting there.
Well, I can't get a visual from this angle.
Dog! I want you to come with me. Come along, dog! [dog gets up, follows Richard to pool house]
The floor's a little wet, are we getting the mats out?
That's impossible; we ordered them eight months ago. We got confirmation.
They were back-ordered and due within two weeks. Two weeks turned into eight months, and all we have to show for it is our special yellow back-order receipt. Such cheap paper they use at the mat place. That should have been a clue.
I would advise that you change our cancellation policy. These people cancel and have to pay nothing.
I hate charging people for cancelling. It's too corporate. We’re doing things differently here.
Oh, yes. Bankruptcy will be fun and different. Be sure to file for it while it's snowing, won't you? We'll go down to bankruptcy court in a horse-drawn sleigh.
We have another problem. The Goldfarbs are missing.
The Goldfarbs? Our Goldfarbs?
The ones you recommended to go cross-country skiing this morning.
Right. So they’re out skiing.
They said they would be back by noon promptly. Well, it's past noon, and their friends are here to meet them for lunch, but the Goldfarbs are erwol.
What do I care, I'm French. The point is, we strapped wooden sticks to the feet of a fat orthodontist and a woman with ugly chunky jewelry, and we lost them!
[Rory and Lorelai are preparing a feast of frozen waffles, pop tarts and similar food. Rory's laptop is set up at the table and she is burning CD's as they "cook".]
Okay, I know I was the one that said I was craving mashed potatoes, but, oh my God, they're a lot of work.
It's instant mashed potatoes. Key word: instant.
Oh, no, not instant. I have to mix water and butter into it, not to mention the adding of salt and pepper.
OK The Best of Super Furry Animals complete.
Oh! Plus I have to rip the package open, dump it into a bowl and, oh my God, are they serious? I have to stir the mixture to combine? What is this, the Gulag?
Hey, do you want the Arcade Fire?
Then yes. So basically once I'm finished with all this manual labour, I still have to clean the bowl.
What do I use the spoon for?
[Waves her hand around in the bowl.]: Pfft. Right. What do I use the spoon for?
Oh, my mistake. Carry on.
So let's cut to the chase. How badly do you want these mashed potatoes?
You wanted the mashed potatoes.
'Cause with tater tots I can just rip and dump.
Then stick with your strengths.
