TV show quotes
That was our lawyer calling to inform me that one of our former maids is suing for wrongful termination.
Hm.
You might at least act surprised.
It’s not the first time, is it?
It most certainly is.
Really?
Yes, Lorelai, really.
Well, then, I’m surprised.
Which maid was it?
Gertha, the one from Hamburg, Germany.
Which one was she?
You remember. She was the one who you made all those Hamburg-hamburger jokes to.
God, I beat that dead horse.
With glee.
She was the clomper.
The clomper?
She'd be upstairs making the bed and it'd sound like a Munich beer hall rally.
That's why you fired her?
Yes.
Because she made noise when she walked?
Yes.
Was she a good maid otherwise?
What?
Besides the clomping, was she polite, on time, made sure the little fork went on the outside?
Have you been listening to me? She was not performing her duties as I wished them to be performed. Everything else is beside the point.
Well, I guess it’s always something, isn’t it?
What’s that supposed to mean?
It means you always seem to find the one thing about a maid that negates all of her good qualities. I mean, at a certain point, isn’t it just easier to let a couple things slide?
I see. So it’s my fault?
I didn’t say that.
No, Lorelai, you did. For years, I’ve been listening to you and your father and everyone else go on and on about how demanding I am, how I have to have things a certain way. Well, guess what? I pay to have them that way. I pay more than anyone else pays their maids, and when things are not the way I want, that means I’m not getting what I paid for. Why is that so hard to understand?
It isn’t hard to understand, it’s just –
If you pay for first class and the airline sticks you in coach, people expect you to be upset. No one calls you demanding or unreasonable. And yet here is this woman whom I pay more than she can get anywhere else in Hartford, whose severance package could finance a summer cruise down the Rhine, dragging me into court saying that I was unfair. Why? Because having paid for one thing, I’m not content with something else? That makes me unfair? Well, then, so be it. Let someone else pay first class and ride in steerage, not me.
Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore, dinner’s ready
Thank you, Brooke, we’ll be right there.
[Brooke walks away; Lorelai and Rory start to get up]
Wait, wait, wait. Do you hear that?
Hear what?
Exactly.
Okay. Now, Sookie’s on top of the menu. Let’s make sure the dining room’s open for a late lunch, and we need to confirm the number of rooms they’ll need.
Yes, I have all of this written down on a notepad right next to my self-help book, "Why Don’t People Think You Know What The Hell You’re Doing?"
I appreciate that. So, tell me, your cousin getting married Saturday, what’s his story?
James. Very quiet, kind of skulky, couldn’t meet anyone here, so his family arranged to have a girl shipped over from the old country.
I hope they cut air holes in the box.
Hey, got any good stories?
Nope, sorry.
Ah, nothing? No crazy, colorful uncle? Best friend with a funny name?
Jeff Smith?
Skeletons in the family closet? War wounds? Funny shaped scars?
It really throws you off when Rory’s late, doesn’t it?
So you’re gonna fish to fulfill your destiny?
That’s right.
And you’re gonna learn to fish to fulfill your destiny from a book?
Yes.
And you sanctioned this?
Yes.
Okay, Thelma, Louise, possibly there’s another way to learn to fish.
The Fishing Channel.
I fish.
You set my alarm for 5:15 a.m.
[walking into the kitchen] I know, and I did it for purely practical reasons.
Which are?
My alarm is just not as reliable as your scream.
I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit!
[Flashback to Rory's birth.]
Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
Just breathe deep, honey.
Breathing doesn't help. Can I hit you instead?
What?
Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
No, you cannot hit me.
Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you, 'cause I really need to do something.
[Dean walks up to the counter]
I gotta place an order.
Talk into the clown.
I am.
(annoyed) ... What do you want?
Six burgers, three with cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain, one with chili, cheese and onions on the side... Your memory’s that good?
You’re screwing with me.
I’m placing an order.
For all of Connecticut.
For the construction crew next door.
Oh, you’re Taylor’s errand boy now.
And you’re Taylor’s waitress.
Say that a little closer.
I thought you had a girlfriend.
Give me your order and get out.
Service with a smile. Uh, six burgers, three cheese; two cheddar, one Swiss. Two plain burgers, one chili burger with cheese and onions on the side. Three ham on ryes; one mayo, one mustard, one combo. A combo means mustard and–
I know what a combo means.
Sorry, guess that confused look is just how your face is.
Do you wanna talk about this outside?
Just as soon as I’m finished. Uh, four hot dogs. Two egg salads on white. One chicken salad on wheat. A chef's salad with ranch. Five fries. Five onion rings. Two chips. Extra pickles.
On what?
Excuse me?
What are the extra pickles on?
On the side.
On the side of what? On the side of the burgers, on the side of the sandwiches, or on the side of the road where the ditch I’m gonna dump your body into is?
[about a package] It’s from my mother.
What is it?
It’s heavy. Must be her hopes and dreams for me.
I thought she discarded those years ago.
And the second thing is, you need to tell me why you’re sitting like that.
Maureen told me that Howard Stern said that if you squat, it makes the baby come out faster.
Okay, as long as you have a sane reason from a reliable source.
You do not just leave a note. You call and say: "Mom, I'm in labor. Will you please drive me to the damned hospital?!"
Hanging out with Jess for most of the day, studying at night.
Cool. Alex and I are having dinner tomorrow night.
Good. That’ll make it nice and quiet for when I study.
I’m that loud?
You are when you dance around singing ‘Rory’s Studying’ songs.
[about Emily] Does she know what I look like?
I don’t think so.
Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don’t kiss him goodnight.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gilmore Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
